Decision time

Well, it's been a month or so since I've written on here. I've been contemplating the purpose of this blog. I like to write and feel I need an outlet for my feelings but if that is the purpose of this blog then I have a journal--and a private blog for that matter that no one is invited to read (sorry). Both of those ought to be outlet enough to get my feelings and thoughts out. It's been a good learning experience for me to write here and in some ways this blog feels like an old friend--I've been writing on here since a few months after Will was born so I guess about six years. But now, I'm just not sure if it is serving it's purpose anymore. Honestly, I get frustrated with the blog frequently and it's made me question why I write here anyway. It's hard to share things and have people question why I write what I write. Or, share personal things and not have people acknowledge what I've written. I understand. Really, I do. I've read many blogs that I read only to feel awkward, or not know what to say, or I'm a stalker ;) and feel like I should not comment on someones blog that I don't know. Though, because of this blog, I miraculously met the woman who buried her precious baby next to mine

(I like to imagine they follow us around and that they know each other--and this is silly, but my friend and her husband are a good looking couple--I can only imagine their son is handsome as well and therefore, maybe my Laila and their Nathan can hook up when they are resurrected. I haven't told my friend this so when she reads this she might say, "Uh, you and Mike are not a good looking couple and I hope not to be connected to your family forever, good looking or not)

Obviously, good comes from this blog. I'm just trying to decide if the good outweighs the frustrations.

I mentioned that this blog has been a good learning experience for me. I've learned a few things but one very important thing for me has been learning how to filter. I know what you are thinking, "You filter things?" Yes, people, that's why I have a private blog that you can't read! I do filter things. And, I also have a personal built-in filter called Mike. He tells me what I ought not to post. I've learned through painful experience actually, that posting personal opinions on a blog or on facebook are dangerous. I have found myself unintentionally hurting people with my opinions. I can honestly say that I haven't intended to hurt people by my opinions--I just wanted to put a voice to my opinion and discovered that more often than not, the opinion is less important than the fact that voicing it might hurt someone. So, if you are one of those people hurt by my opinions in the past, I apologize. But, I would say that if you know me you ought to know that I never intended to hurt you--I just wasn't being mindful of how my words might hurt you or someone else. Which of course, isn't a good excuse, but an excuse none the less.

I would like to add however, that many of my opinions, if I were to write them on here in the future, are much less passionate now that Laila has passed away. Perhaps I'll expound on that later, but for now, just know that I feel a softening around my mind and heart in many, many cases as I have felt the pain over some comments made towards me and my actions regarding Laila and her death. I know that is vague but good enough for now.

And so, I'm back where I started. I cannot come to a decision as to what I want to see with this blog. Like I said earlier, I have other outlets for writing. But I'm not sure that is the purpose of this blog either. I have been seeking for over a year to find records in the scriptures and other accounts of righteous, faithful women. I have been hoping to use them as examples for me and how I ought to conduct my life and my actions. But for the most part, I have been unsuccessful in my findings. Of course there are a plethora of women to exemplify and I will continue to find books and references to them and their lives (and I want to note that I'm not talking about women I interact with daily because of course I am surrounded by good, faithful women every day). But as far as studying up on women that have gone before me, there are not a lot that I have found yet and I think a reason for that is that the majority of us do not go around publishing our journals (or perhaps even writing in them). As I considered this, I thought about how I have been a journal writer my entire life and more than that, I find this blog to be an extension of that. I have felt that perhaps this blog is meant to be a record of my testimony and beliefs--just today I watched a conference talk by Elder Holland who said, " I ask for a stronger and more devoted voice, a voice not only against evil and him who is the personification of it, but a voice for good, a voice for the gospel, a voice for God."

But again, the frustrations come and I am not sure they outweigh the good so, for now, I'm writing on my private blog and may or may not write a lot on here. I made this private blog a long time ago--perhaps over a year ago?--and I have written on there from time to time I've always come back to this blog. Only now, things are different for me and I find writing my feelings on a public blog with watchful eyes much, much harder.