Eli's Burden

I dropped Eli off at my friend's house so she could watch him while I volunteered at Isaac's school.  My friend has a little girl that loves Eli.  He has a lot of little girls in love with him.  I hear stories from moms of little girls saying they drive by the house and their daughters start giggling.

 I remember being a little girl, eight perhaps, and going on "bike rides" around the neighborhood.  You know, ride my bike and if I conveniently rode by Josh Couch's house, well, that couldn't be helped, right?  I see a lot of that in the future--little girls riding by the house hoping to get a glance at Eli.  Right now their moms drive them by and they giggle and clap and exclaim, "Eli's house!"  It's all very innocent.

But, back to my friend watching Eli.  She told me he collapsed on the couch with a big sigh and said, "I'm just so tired of making everyone laugh all the time."  It must be hard to be funny....

This week we have a play date with another friend, also a girl.  He is already thinking of ways to entertain her.  He said, "I know how I'm going to make Carly laugh on Wednesday.  I'm going to slap my head.  That always makes her laugh."

As strange as it sounds, that gets me every time too.  He could probably sit silently on the couch and I'd laugh.  Something about those freckles, that red hair, and his mischievous grin. I just wait to hear the next funny thing pop out of his mouth.

I guess Eli can add me to the list of his admirers, as long as he remembers that I was the first.

You didn't know that Eli was also a magician, did you?  He has figured out a way to turn his head around on his body.  Or maybe he just hasn't figured out how to wear his clothes the right way...

Today I'm guest posting over at Mormon Mommy Blogs.  I think it will be posted later in the day so you can go over and check it out if you so choose.

Fear

In November Mike and I decided to let the boys sleep over at their Aunt's house. She had a special night planned for them--pizza, popcorn, movies. We were in Salt Lake for a party and she offered to drive them back to her apartment in Provo. I choked. It was the first night I'd been away from them since Laila died and I was afraid to have them away from me. I knew we still needed to lead a normal life and locking my children in my house, not allowing them fun opportunities because I was afraid, was not normal. So I agreed to the sleep over. But letting my babies in my sister's car for almost an hour was too much. I'm sure my sister is a very good driver and I was embarrassed to say, "Actually, I'd rather drive them. If any more of my children are going to die in a car, I want to be in that car." Yes, a little cookoo. But can you blame me? As morbid as it sounds, I don't want my children to die and leave me behind.

Thoughts like these are normal for me and I know they are probably natural considering what we've gone through. I'm sure I will continue to have fears like this for awhile, maybe forever, but I also know that what is required is more faith. And I'm working on that. Certainly more faith will get rid of the fear.

I'm ok with these thoughts because I recognize how to combat them.

But what really gets me is when I recognize similar thoughts coming from my boys. Last night I had an enrichment activity at church. Mike told the boys I'd be home at 8 and when I walked in the door at 8:30, he said, "You've got some boys that need you to say good night to them." I was slightly surprised to find them still awake because on school nights we generally make them get ready for bed at 7:00 (Will has to be at the bus stop at 7:30 in the morning). When I walked in their room they shot up and said almost in a chorus, "Oh! We thought you were dead!" I said, "Why on earth did you think I was dead?" to which they responded, "Dad said you'd be home earlier. We thought you were dead and not coming home." Then Isaac added, "I worried that if I died I'd never get to give you another kiss."

Oh it just breaks my heart. I reassured them that they weren't going to die until they were very, very old and that they were protected and safe. It's hard when I just wish I could shelter them from the fear and make it all better. Instead, all I can do is teach them that life moves on and that we can't live our lives in fear. We still have sleepovers at our Aunt's house, we still jump on the trampoline, we still drive in cars, etc. We just have to live our lives and try to fight the fear.

The unveiling

I haven't posted for a few days so today I've posted a few things just for the sake of documenting.  You can read the other posts below.

BUT!

There have been changes happening in our basement.  It's been exciting.  I promised pictures so here are a few.  We haven't quite finished the bathroom so I'll post those pictures later.  There are just a few things left to finish. Mike and I did all the trim and put the door frames in.  We still have to put the doors in the closets but that is one of the last things to do.  We also did the floor in the bathroom (well, Mike did) and we did the tile around the tub.  Mike didn't want to worry about anything that had to be inspected so we paid for someone to do all of that stuff and then we've done the rest.

This was our basement before we finished it.  I loved that it was such a great big area for the boys to play.  We put some carpet strips down so they could play on something soft and not on the concrete.

 The basement was split up into a living area, a bedroom, a bathroom, and then an unfinished storage area.

 This is looking down the "hall" from the storage area.

The bedroom once the walls were put up

 The living area.

The room after paint, carpet, and trim.  

 Another room view--without the doors on the closet

 The living area.  This will be the play area and we are also going to put the elliptical down here too.  I'm sad the large play space is now so small but I think in the end this will be better for resale value and I think we will use this space more even though it is so much smaller.

 Another view of the living area.

 Looking up the stairs

And...some random picture.  I finished the boys growth chart awhile ago but didn't post a picture of it.  I am really pleased with how it turned out.

So there you go!  We have a finished basement now...I'll post pictures of the bathroom soon.  Anyone want to visit?

Pictures from Mike's birthday

 The boys wanted Mike to jump on the trampoline with them with all the balloons they filled.  He was a good sport.  They played some game like if a green balloon touched you, you were out or something.  Lot's of giggles.

I failed to post pictures of Mike's birthday.  Here are pictures from his day.

Sick days at our house

We've been sick.  It's the first year I haven't gotten a flu shot since...I can't remember when...and of course I got it. Flu shots are free for us so we generally get them but this year my doctor is 30 minutes away and I am rarely on base so I thought I'd risk it.  Not a good choice!  I made sure everyone else got theirs (their doctor is less than five minutes away) but they all still got sick too.  But, we are all on the mend now I think.  I've had kids home from school for the last three days though.  Isaac missed his class picture, Will missed his 100th day celebration, Eli missed a play date and a Valentine's party.  We've had kids come and get in bed with us every night all week (headaches, fevers, couching, "Eli's snoring too loud," tummy aches, etc.).  Here is what sick days at the Richard's house looks like:

1. Isaac rocks in his sleep so much his scab starts bleeding.  He has been trying to stop rocking but in his sick, sleepy state he can't help it.  He wakes up at 3 AM and comes in our room saying, "Please say I wasn't rocking!"  Poor kid.  That strange thing in front of his face is a plastic shark.  He likes to flood the bathroom sink and let "Shark-O" take a swim.

2.  The boys watch Power Rangers for a good portion of the day (they stay in their PJ's until about noon).  I have been too sick to care that their brains are rotting by watching such ridiculous things.

 3.  When not watching Power Rangers, Will tries to take over the world by playing Civilizations.  His brothers hate when he plays it because they want him to play with them, not giving his attention to the computer.  I have to put limits on Will's time or he'd play ALL DAY LONG.

 4.  Mike can't sleep because I'm coughing the entire night.  He tried to drown out my coughing by ear plugs but he makes me take NyQuil in hopes that it will make my coughing subside.  I've taken this entire bottle in the past month!  (This is our second round of the sickies.  I have been sick a good majority of the last five weeks or so)

 5.  Mike also goes and stocks up on meds for the boys.  (as mentioned above, we've been sick a lot lately. They boys had tummy issues and earaches this past month as well)

6.  Once I begin coming out of my feverish, achy, sick fog, I decide we need a break from the Power Rangers and we make some Glurch.  I was first introduced to this when I worked at Head Start.  It was always a winner with the kids.  I've made it for the boys a few times but we haven't made any for awhile.  Hours of fun.

One thing I wish happened in our house on sick days were naps.  I always make them at least sit in their beds for an hour when they stay home from school but generally find them still awake after the hour is up.  You'd think from all the waking up in the middle of the night, they'd welcome a nap.

I hope the sickies stay away from now on.  I'm ready to feel like a normal person again!  

Sleep

It used to be that one of my favorite times of the day was when the boys were finally asleep and I'd quietly tip toe into their room and just stare at their tiny little sleeping bodies. I'd generally find them sleeping with little friends under their arms or dinosaurs lined up next to their beds. I'd watch them sleep and think about all the crying that day and all the yelling I did but their peaceful sleep made me think of renewal and hope that the following day would be better.

At the time the boys were three years and under, Mike was in the bishopric and gone a lot of the nights, and I was battling post-partum depression. I needed to see them quietly sleeping, dreaming of happy things, and feel refreshed and ready to tackle the next day with them.

I don't feel the same need to see them sleeping. I still do yell at them too much during the day and there is still crying in our house of course and some nights I still think, "Can it be bedtime yet?" But generally, things are easier with the boys now and I don't need to see them sleep to remember that I like being a mom. But, I still like to check on them before I go to bed.

That is until Laila died.

Now, I dread checking on them and generally let Mike do it for me. Watching them sleep no longer brings me a feeling of peace and renewal. It just brings me fear. I walk into the room and first check on Eli. In the dark, his already pale skin looks more pale, almost deathly to me. I wait to hear his snore and then turn to Isaac, across the room. Isaac is such a quiet sleeper with none of the snoring of his brother so I bend down and move my ear close to his face waiting to feel his breath on my face or hear his quiet inhale of breath. Finally, I move onto Will. He sleeps on the top bunk and it is too high for me to place my ear by his face so instead I reach my hand up and feel his skin. He is always sweaty and lately covers himself with piles of blankets. I pull them away from his face so he won't suffocate and then feel his forehead for his familiar warmth, hoping not to feel cool skin instead.

Instead of tip-toeing into the room hoping to get in and out undetected, I welcome their stirring from my closeness and my touch on their faces--further proof that there is still life in their bodies.

On Sunday Mike and I woke up early to get ready for church. I showered, then Mike showered and he questioned, "Should I wake the boys?" I looked at the clock--7:00--and was surprised that they weren't awake yet (no matter the hour they go to bed, they still wake up around 6:30 every morning). I told him to let them sleep a little longer. 7:20--still no sound from their room. 7:30--Mike looked at me questioningly and I told him I'd wake them soon. The words coming out of my mouth were, "They must just need to sleep today." The words going through my head were, "If they are dead then I can't do anything about it anyway and I dread what I'll find. I might as well put it off. If they aren't dead then they get a chance to sleep longer." 7:40--I hear the boy's bathroom door open and close, a sign that Will is awake. Then I hear giggling coming from their room, a sign that Isaac and Eli are awake and playing in the gigantic box they drug up to their room to use as a fort.

Hearing them, I breathed a sigh of relief, thankful there was one more night over and one more day to live.

Birthday Boy

A few months ago I woke up sobbing (which wasn't uncommon a few months ago).  Mike lay next to me and wrapped his arms around me and whispered in my ear, "Of all my hobbies, my favorite it making you happy."  It was a personal, tender moment and I write it because I've been thinking about the things I want to be known for.  I think I've narrowed it down to three things.  The first is my faith. I hope my faith gets me through this mortal life and all it's heartache.  The second is my boys.  I hope when they are grown people look at them and say, "She raised some spectacular boys." The third is my marriage.  I have a really, really happy marriage.  I hope when people see my interactions with Mike they feel inspired to have an even happier relationship with their own spouse.  I don't by any means believe that my marriage to Mike is superior to anyone else's.  I just know that for me, it exceeds my expectations and I hope everyone could be as happy as I am.  I hope my boys seek for someone who makes them their favorite hobby.  My marriage is good mainly because of Mike.  He has changed me, made me better, smoothed my rough edges, encouraged me to continue on.  I loved Mike six months ago but my love for him has increased exponentially as I watch his strength, is devotion, and his love for me and the boys and our sweet Laila.  His pain is quieter than my own but it is there, quietly weighing him down and if I could, I'd take his pain and my own so he could pass this unscathed.  But of course that's not possible and just as the pain is essential for my growth and eventual happiness, it is for him too.  And so, I just try and make him happy in whatever way I can.   

Why all the cheese?  Because today I get to celebrate my Mike.  It's his birthday!  Mike isn't the celebrating type (which is why I'm good for him...I make him celebrate) so it will be a mostly quiet day.  He's hoping to get through work without anyone discovering it's his birthday so he won't have to deal with the inevitable teasing from his co-workers.  The boys and I are planning to decorate, make a cake, wrap some presents, and make him a favorite meal.  

Happy birthday Mike.  I love you.

Look for pictures of his cake tomorrow--it's a silly cake that the boys requested for him.

Busy

This is one of those posts where I just throw out random things for consideration.

1.  Our basement is coming right along.  There have been lots of requests for pictures.  Mike doesn't want to post pictures until it's completed.  It's going fast.  We have the walls up and painted, the trim and doors up in and the bathroom floor down.  Next comes the tile around the bathtub and the carpet (which should come this week).  Mike and I spent all of last Friday night and all of Saturday working on the trim and doors and then Mike did more Monday and Tuesday night.  He did a great job on it.  He also spent yesterday working on the bathroom floor.  I think it's good for us to have projects to keep our minds busy and happy.

2.  Will is a crafting machine.  He wakes up, goes to the bathroom and goes to the craft room where he starts some new craft for his brothers.  He made this adorable caterpillar.  It's really cute because he just opens up this little craft book I have and then goes around the house collecting what he needs.  In other Will news he just started reading Harry Potter, which is exciting to me that he is interested in reading books I love.  Also, he continues to amaze me.  I went into his room the other night to find him reading the scripture story readers.  He asked if he could take them on the bus to read and then came home and told me he had read all four--three in one week!  He is disappointed that there aren't more to read.

3.  Isaac is doing really well.  He loves school and is always happy when I pick him up, which is quite different than Will's kindergarten experience.  He wishes his school had buses though because he wants to ride the bus so badly.  His schooling is much harder than Will's.  He has a spelling test and phonogram test and at the start of January his spelling tests included the phonogram symbols (if he doesn't put the symbol in the correct spot he gets the word marked wrong).  He also is beginning telling time, easy fractions, and learning about money.  It's a very different experience than we had with Will who was still doing ABC's this time last year.  Isaac doesn't seem to struggle at school because he is so focused and works so hard to learn his stuff.

4.  I failed to mention that Eli started Sunbeams this year.  I was nervous because the first few weeks (in December they brought the nursery kids in for singing time) he refused to go in the Primary room saying he hated it and would rather stand in the corner with me than go in with his class.  But once January came around he didn't look back.  He makes all the teachers and leaders laugh with is funny comments like, "I've been sitting quietly with my hands folded the entire time but I'm still mad that I'm not jumping on the trampoline instead."  Tomorrow we are going on a date together, just the two of us, and he is excited for that.

5. All our birthdays are coming up in the next six months so I've dug out my cake stuff and made my first cake since Isaac's birthday.  One of my friends had a birthday so I made her a cake and this week is Mike's birthday so I'm making him a cake too.

No tip for these hair stylists

These boys are so sweet. I love them playing with my hair but they definitely need some more work on their skills. I heard, "I'm curling your hair Mommy."

This is what happened as a result of them "curling" my hair. Oh goodness. It took some time to get out the combs but thankfully I did not have to cut them out.

Anyone want to borrow my hair stylists?