Sunday, November 27, 2011

Decision time

Well, it's been a month or so since I've written on here. I've been contemplating the purpose of this blog. I like to write and feel I need an outlet for my feelings but if that is the purpose of this blog then I have a journal--and a private blog for that matter that no one is invited to read (sorry). Both of those ought to be outlet enough to get my feelings and thoughts out. It's been a good learning experience for me to write here and in some ways this blog feels like an old friend--I've been writing on here since a few months after Will was born so I guess about six years. But now, I'm just not sure if it is serving it's purpose anymore. Honestly, I get frustrated with the blog frequently and it's made me question why I write here anyway. It's hard to share things and have people question why I write what I write. Or, share personal things and not have people acknowledge what I've written. I understand. Really, I do. I've read many blogs that I read only to feel awkward, or not know what to say, or I'm a stalker ;) and feel like I should not comment on someones blog that I don't know. Though, because of this blog, I miraculously met the woman who buried her precious baby next to mine

(I like to imagine they follow us around and that they know each other--and this is silly, but my friend and her husband are a good looking couple--I can only imagine their son is handsome as well and therefore, maybe my Laila and their Nathan can hook up when they are resurrected. I haven't told my friend this so when she reads this she might say, "Uh, you and Mike are not a good looking couple and I hope not to be connected to your family forever, good looking or not)

Obviously, good comes from this blog. I'm just trying to decide if the good outweighs the frustrations.

I mentioned that this blog has been a good learning experience for me. I've learned a few things but one very important thing for me has been learning how to filter. I know what you are thinking, "You filter things?" Yes, people, that's why I have a private blog that you can't read! I do filter things. And, I also have a personal built-in filter called Mike. He tells me what I ought not to post. I've learned through painful experience actually, that posting personal opinions on a blog or on facebook are dangerous. I have found myself unintentionally hurting people with my opinions. I can honestly say that I haven't intended to hurt people by my opinions--I just wanted to put a voice to my opinion and discovered that more often than not, the opinion is less important than the fact that voicing it might hurt someone. So, if you are one of those people hurt by my opinions in the past, I apologize. But, I would say that if you know me you ought to know that I never intended to hurt you--I just wasn't being mindful of how my words might hurt you or someone else. Which of course, isn't a good excuse, but an excuse none the less.

I would like to add however, that many of my opinions, if I were to write them on here in the future, are much less passionate now that Laila has passed away. Perhaps I'll expound on that later, but for now, just know that I feel a softening around my mind and heart in many, many cases as I have felt the pain over some comments made towards me and my actions regarding Laila and her death. I know that is vague but good enough for now.

And so, I'm back where I started. I cannot come to a decision as to what I want to see with this blog. Like I said earlier, I have other outlets for writing. But I'm not sure that is the purpose of this blog either. I have been seeking for over a year to find records in the scriptures and other accounts of righteous, faithful women. I have been hoping to use them as examples for me and how I ought to conduct my life and my actions. But for the most part, I have been unsuccessful in my findings. Of course there are a plethora of women to exemplify and I will continue to find books and references to them and their lives (and I want to note that I'm not talking about women I interact with daily because of course I am surrounded by good, faithful women every day). But as far as studying up on women that have gone before me, there are not a lot that I have found yet and I think a reason for that is that the majority of us do not go around publishing our journals (or perhaps even writing in them). As I considered this, I thought about how I have been a journal writer my entire life and more than that, I find this blog to be an extension of that. I have felt that perhaps this blog is meant to be a record of my testimony and beliefs--just today I watched a conference talk by Elder Holland who said, " I ask for a stronger and more devoted voice, a voice not only against evil and him who is the personification of it, but a voice for good, a voice for the gospel, a voice for God."

But again, the frustrations come and I am not sure they outweigh the good so, for now, I'm writing on my private blog and may or may not write a lot on here. I made this private blog a long time ago--perhaps over a year ago?--and I have written on there from time to time I've always come back to this blog. Only now, things are different for me and I find writing my feelings on a public blog with watchful eyes much, much harder.

14 comments:

JC Choate said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings. I know the "blog stalking" feeling that you talk about and more often than not, don't leave comments. I do like seeing photos of how the kids are acting goofy, or nice, or silly; the scenery from your area; and your thoughts about random topics with a bazillon comments from people. More than likely though, if you didn't blog- I would hope to keep in touch another way. :) If you'll keep us. >:)

blondeviolin said...

I agree with Calista! Your blog (and, to an extent, Facebook) is an awesome avenue for keeping up with you and yours. If it weren't for your blog, we would not be involved in your service project.

Have you considered making this blog an invite-only type? I don't know if that would help.

Know that you and your family are in our constant prayers.

The Duke said...

I'd like to add my thoughts on this -- You and I have talked about this a lot and I understand your dilema... but I would like to encourage you to continue to write on this blog. I believe, in my heart, that your voice is on of the modern women's voice that needs to be heard. Others will be searching just like you have and they would like to hear someone's voice that is powerful and sensitive. Yes, it is a risk, but I think it helps me understand the transitions and chnages you are struggling with right now simply because I have not had to go through what you are going through. You can help all of us understand the thought processes, at least to some extent.
I feel very helpless sometimes to know what might be a comfort. I am not sure if what I say may be insensitive or not, but that would continue unless you told me how I need to say things or what to say. I can learn from you in everything you say.
I will support you in whatever you choose to do but never stop writing. You are a phenomonal writer! Use this as a newsy, catch-up with the family newletter if necessary, but don't stop!
I wouldn't let the number of comments on what you write indicate others interest - maybe they are just reading and digesting. Give it some more thought - just let me know how you feel so I can grow along with you.

Frances said...

Oh, Adrianne. I can't imagine how you must feel. To put your personal thoughts and feelings out there with good intent to have it criticized. Honestly, I would quit writing publicly. But that's me. I'm a big chicken. I love hearing about how you're doing so I would miss it. You have been a big inspiration to me during this time, I pray for you and think about you often. Anyone who knows you, knows your heart. Keep writing about what you feel in whatever place is good for you. I'll start my hunt for examples of righteous women!

Katie said...

Of course you need to do what will be best for you. I will be sad, though, if I don't get to read what is going on with your family--not only because it has been a wonderful way to know what has gone on since you left, but also because you are a voice of inspiration for me. I have been constantly amazed and humbled by your faith and positive attitude over these past months and there have been many times that I have found myself looking to your example as I have tried to navigate my own struggles.

As far as the example of the women before us goes, have you gotten a copy of the new book the church put out, "Daughters in My Kingdom"? I haven't read the whole thing yet but, so far, it has had several personal accounts of the women of the early church and their struggles. If you haven't gotten it yet, I would definitely recommend it.

Whatever you choose to do with this blog, just know that we love you and pray your family.

Lokodi said...

No! You can't stop writing on this blog. I love reading your posts on here. Even when you share a lot (which I never think you share too much). I appreciate your thoughts and I've never thought they were too much. It's nice to hear your opinions and thoughts on things. I know I don't comment much, but I do read them and enjoy them. I should just call you to know what's going on in your life but with the time difference, it makes it hard. So, please keep filling me in! I miss you.

Lindsey

Mommo said...

Adrianne. The Duke is right. You have so much to give to others through your example and how you are learning from your experiences. You have such great faith and strength that comes from the Lord. You are one of the righteous women. I have been following a blog this past year that might help you on your quest to learn about women in the scriptures. http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/ I hope you find it helpful. Remember too....you have so many people who carry a prayer in their heart for you and your family. Many times our words are not adequate to say how we feel or we don't know what to say...But we always love and pray for you.

Ange said...

Adrianne,

I read your blog, love your posts and sweet family, and have felt strenghthened by what you say and share. You are such a great example to me. I hardly ever comment, but I should. Good luck in your decision, and I'll "miss you" if you chose not to write on here anymore.

Your long ago Logansport friend,

Angela :)

Nolo and Lauren said...

I think that your blog can be whatever it wants to be... When I started blogging I felt like I had to be like everyone else and update on everything going on. That got to be too overwhelming and I quit for awhile. Then I decided that my blog would just be my thoughts. If I wanted to share, I would. If I didn't want to share, I wouldn't. If I needed to vent or express feelings, so be it. I think your blog is whatever you want it to be... and I think it's just right.

I love reading your blog. It's honest. I love seeing your pictures, hearing about your projects and other things going on, and feeling like I still have a connection to a friend even though we live miles apart.

Megan said...

I dont't know if I have every written a comment on here or if you even know that I read your blog, however, I want you to know that I do. I understand if you feel like not posting on here but I want to let you know that you have touched my life. I have not gone through a lot of the things that you have but you have written things that have touched me and allowed me to change other aspects of my life. So thank you for sharing yourself with me. Thank you for being who you are. Ithink of you and your family often and pray for you. Thank you for all you do.

Megan

Michelle said...

Because of your blog, I feel closer to you and your family. I know we are family, but unfortunately we live so far away and because of that and because of my children being grown and so busy, I don't have time to call you either. There are times that I only get to read your blog at 5 in the morning so if it wasn't here then I couldn't learn more about you and my nephews and Mike. I don't always comment because I just don't always know what to say, however I think of your family often and really what I want to say is this, Keep writing, whether it's here or in a personal journal, but I hope it's here because I have learned so much from you and I have invited a couple other women who have needed to hear your words to your blog. Maybe start another private blog for your most personal journal entires and leave this one as your family update with LOTS of pictures. Whatever the decision, do what's best for you, no matter what anyone says. Love and Hugs and I miss you and your family very much. Please give all your boys a hug from me.

Seth and Natalie said...

I am a weird-o blog stalker, because I'm not even sure if we've ever even met. (have we?) I almost and still might give up my blog, mostly because of the good, better, best motto I try to live up to. Is using my time blogging the best thing I can do? But I have to say that reading your blog is inspiring for me, and I enjoy and keep Seth's family updated on how you and your boys are. Your blog does serve a purpose in keeping in touch with people (like me) who are interested in what you are doing.

Lisa said...

Criticism is such a horrible thing, I must agree. But, I will also say that although I have been a mostly silent reader, I have loved reading your blog. I respect and admire you and your family. You are a very faithful and insightful person, and I appreciate you sharing that through your words. I admire you for putting yourself and your thoughts out there. I would love to see you continue writing, but I'm sure you'll figure out the right thing for you.

Mike and Adrianne said...

Calista, I'm sure we would keep in touch without the blog too! Are you going on a road trip anytime soon?!

Cherstin, I don't know that making it an invite only blog would solve the problem. Anyway, I love that you are participating in the service project. That means a lot to me. Thank you so much.

Mom, it's not really about the number of comments--it's about real interaction. It's hard to write my feelings and not have validation, yet I understand why people don't comment. I have been in the position of not knowing what to say. Either way, you will be updated on the kiddos even without the blog.

Thanks Frances. Were you in Utah for Thanksgiving? We were there too and missed you! Maybe next time we are both there...

Katie, I have read Daughters in my Kingdom and it wasn't what I expected. It is definitely a good read but I felt it was more about the organization than about the women--even though, I guess without the women the organization doesn't matter. Anyway, I appreciate your comment. Thanks.

Lindsey, I miss you too. We set up Skype so we could see you. You will have to call again so we can let the boys visit with your kids and we can see you.

Cindy, thanks for the link to the blog. I will check it out for sure. Thanks for your comments too. We miss your family, but I especially miss you!!

Angela, thanks. I enjoy reading your blog too.

Thanks Lauren. Honestly, I don't know what I want my blog to be and I think that's the problem.

Megan, thanks for reading. I read your blog too. For some reason I don't have you on my blog roll, even though I've gone to do it many times. However, I do read it.

Michelle, we miss you guys. I know it is hard to know what to say sometimes. I completely understand that.

Natalie, we have not met, no. I remember when you got married and for some reason I was not able to come with the rest of the family. However, my mom talks about you all the time--she loves you and I think if you weren't married to Seth, and her sons weren't already married, she would want you to be her daughter-in-law. Though, I guess cousin-in-law (?) is good too. I read your blog too and comment sometimes even though I always feel weird about commenting because I know we have never met.

Lisa, thank you. Your comment means a lot to me. I am not sure what I'll do, but I'll figure it out.