Protection

The best way to describe my current feelings are exhausted--mentally, physically, and spiritually. The amount of energy it takes to focus on an eternal perspective can be draining. By the end of the night my mind and body are under such large amounts of stress from the physical aspects of dealing with such a traumatic experience as a death, that I just fall into bed. I fall asleep quickly but never really feel asleep. My sleep is restless and I'm never sure if my dreams are real dreams. I feel like I am half awake and never reach that deep sleep required to rejuvenate the body.

More than that, I am exhausted from trying to make things OK for our family. I think it is appropriate and right for my boys to see us grieving. This is a big thing to make sense of for them and I want them to have an appropriate view of trials--that it's OK to feel sorrow. But, I also need them to see our faith in action. I need them to see that life will continue on hopefully.

We are changed. Our lives are changed. It is interesting thinking about how our lives include a regular visit to the cemetery. These aren't experiences I ever imagined my boys having.

Dealing with Laila's death is difficult but there have been other serious things that we are working through. There have been experiences that have been frightening for me and so burdensome. I have recognized for the first time the realness of Satan and his hatred of all things good. The fight is real, it's not just something we teach about in Sunday School.

There are a lot of things I don't do right as a mother. One thing I am doing right though is talking to my kids about things they will encounter outside my home. I wondered if perhaps a three, five, and six year old are too young to have discussions about the sanctity of their bodies. We have talked about different scenarios, hoping they never had to actually be in a situation where they would be called upon to recall the scenarios, but knowing they probably would.

Now, I realize that talking to my boys so candidly was and is essential. I am thankful Will is so sensitive to the spirit. I am amazed at his courage. He is more courageous than a lot of adults. I am so thankful that the lines of communication with my children are open and that they feel comfortable talking to us about the things they are being faced with. I am hopeful it will stay that way. I am grateful for Heavenly Father's protection.

I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders since Laila died. The week after she passed away events took place that filled me with so much fear for my family and our future. I felt so concerned with getting my children back to God. Now, I realize that as long as I listen to the spirit, I'll know how to direct my children and know what conversations I ought to be having with them. That makes all the difference. They might not always make the right choice the first time (maybe not even the second or third) but they will turn their minds to Heavenly Father and find the courage to do what they know they should be doing.

I know there is divine help and protection. Ironically, our family theme this year is Putting on the Armour of God. I recognize that Heavenly Father wants us to actively build fortifications around our family and home so we can defend ourselves from Satan.