Thursday, October 20, 2011


The best way to describe my current feelings are exhausted--mentally, physically, and spiritually. The amount of energy it takes to focus on an eternal perspective can be draining. By the end of the night my mind and body are under such large amounts of stress from the physical aspects of dealing with such a traumatic experience as a death, that I just fall into bed. I fall asleep quickly but never really feel asleep. My sleep is restless and I'm never sure if my dreams are real dreams. I feel like I am half awake and never reach that deep sleep required to rejuvenate the body.

More than that, I am exhausted from trying to make things OK for our family. I think it is appropriate and right for my boys to see us grieving. This is a big thing to make sense of for them and I want them to have an appropriate view of trials--that it's OK to feel sorrow. But, I also need them to see our faith in action. I need them to see that life will continue on hopefully.

We are changed. Our lives are changed. It is interesting thinking about how our lives include a regular visit to the cemetery. These aren't experiences I ever imagined my boys having.

Dealing with Laila's death is difficult but there have been other serious things that we are working through. There have been experiences that have been frightening for me and so burdensome. I have recognized for the first time the realness of Satan and his hatred of all things good. The fight is real, it's not just something we teach about in Sunday School.

There are a lot of things I don't do right as a mother. One thing I am doing right though is talking to my kids about things they will encounter outside my home. I wondered if perhaps a three, five, and six year old are too young to have discussions about the sanctity of their bodies. We have talked about different scenarios, hoping they never had to actually be in a situation where they would be called upon to recall the scenarios, but knowing they probably would.

Now, I realize that talking to my boys so candidly was and is essential. I am thankful Will is so sensitive to the spirit. I am amazed at his courage. He is more courageous than a lot of adults. I am so thankful that the lines of communication with my children are open and that they feel comfortable talking to us about the things they are being faced with. I am hopeful it will stay that way. I am grateful for Heavenly Father's protection.

I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders since Laila died. The week after she passed away events took place that filled me with so much fear for my family and our future. I felt so concerned with getting my children back to God. Now, I realize that as long as I listen to the spirit, I'll know how to direct my children and know what conversations I ought to be having with them. That makes all the difference. They might not always make the right choice the first time (maybe not even the second or third) but they will turn their minds to Heavenly Father and find the courage to do what they know they should be doing.

I know there is divine help and protection. Ironically, our family theme this year is Putting on the Armour of God. I recognize that Heavenly Father wants us to actively build fortifications around our family and home so we can defend ourselves from Satan.


The Duke said...

I know that God will not want you to live your life in fear. I have found Joseph Smith's comment that "faith and fear cannot abide in a man at the same time" difficult but true. Hopefully you will find ways to be able to walk through the storms with confidence and an inner peace that will help you continue to find joy along that pathway.
I continue to pray for your family in the hopes that His protecting arms will continue to surround you. I do know that you have some very special spirits under your charge. Not only does Satan recognize that, but God does as well and we know that God will prevail with your help.

Lokodi said...

I have to say how impressed I am with your family. Just knowing you actually have a family theme each year is pretty incredible. I would have never thought to have a gospel centered theme with my family, especially with kids so young, but now I totally see the wisdom in it. Thanks for the great idea.

We are still continuing to pray for your family. I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us because it helps me know where/how you are. Keep sharing. Love you tons!


Jed and Kera said...

It's weird to comment on this when I just want to call and talk to you. If you have some free time on Sunday afternoon or evening would you call me?
I sure love you. I hate that you are an example with such a situation, but you are and I am grateful for you.

Sheri said...

I'm officially linked in to your blog now--so I'll be checking in. I love you and your beautiful family and I'm so thankful for your friendship. : )

Rachael said...

Depression comes with lots of anxiety, and a weight. Things are five times more stressful, just daily responsibilities, etc.
It is not an easy thing to go through, yet it makes you grow very quickly, and makes it necessary to stay really close to the Lord and the Spirit.

I feel for you Adrianne. I understand your message here, and am in awe at your determination and dedication to seek the Lord's will for your family. You are a wonderful mother and person.

My prayers are with you friend!