A letter and some gifts

Yesterday the official report came from the coroner's office on Laila's death. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt like everything came rushing back, all the memories of that day.

It seemed horrible to read how much each of her organs weighed, what the color of the fluid in her brain was, how low her blood sugar was, etc. I almost felt her body was defiled. I knew this was going to happen and was necessary but it still felt horrible to actually think about the fact that my baby's body had been cut open and her body parts poked, prodded, and weighed.

In the last post I wrote that I didn't have the same feeling of my dreams being taken away from me because I'd already experienced so many wonderful milestones with my boys and that I still had so many left to experience with them.

But reading the report I definitely felt a sadness when I read about her uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. I had to acknowledge that Laila was a girl with all the physical parts that make a women who is able to bear beautiful children and those dreams won't happen during this life. It's strange really, because I don't recall thinking about Laila's future as a mother very much. Her baby blessing was beautiful and talked about her having a mother heart her entire life. But I don't remember dwelling on thoughts of her future as a mother and spouse--perhaps that is a blessing. I don't know how to describe it but I think it was kind of shocking for me read that my baby had the capability to be a mother and have children. Of course she did, but to me, she was just my little baby. I recognize that Laila still has the promise of all those blessings when she is resurrected and thinking back on her blessing, I want to hope that Laila does have a mother heart and that all the characteristics needed to be a wonderful mother reside in her spirit and that she is using those special talents in Heaven to help those around her.

Something else came in the mail though--her mobile! My friend Kera from Ohio helped me start it when I was still there but when the pregnancy got harder at the end with all the appointments she offered to finish it for me (that's so like Kera. She such a wonderful, thoughtful friend). I'm grateful she sent it even though Laila's not here anymore. It completes her room and will remind me of Laila every time I look at it. It's dainty and beautiful. I hung it over her crib and I love it. I wish everyone had friends as good as mine.

And since I'm at it, I thought I'd add some of the other special gifts that have been given to us and have found a place in her room--there are a lot of other meaningful gifts but these are the ones I put in her room--the others are in other parts of our home.

My sister made this for me to have at the viewing. I had seen a baby announcement like this on another blog and so I asked her to use this song and add the lines on the end concerning her death.
This cute little container came with some other gifts from a friend here in CO. I thought it was perfect to display her cute shoes she wore at her blessing. The figurine was from another friend here who had heard me mention I love Willow Tree figurines. (I also got another one from some high school friends and that one sits above my bed)
A picture my sister took and some flowers from the funeral services.

And finally, the mobile. I took a picture of it close up but it didn't come out for some reason.