Thursday, September 22, 2011

A letter and some gifts

Yesterday the official report came from the coroner's office on Laila's death. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt like everything came rushing back, all the memories of that day.

It seemed horrible to read how much each of her organs weighed, what the color of the fluid in her brain was, how low her blood sugar was, etc. I almost felt her body was defiled. I knew this was going to happen and was necessary but it still felt horrible to actually think about the fact that my baby's body had been cut open and her body parts poked, prodded, and weighed.

In the last post I wrote that I didn't have the same feeling of my dreams being taken away from me because I'd already experienced so many wonderful milestones with my boys and that I still had so many left to experience with them.

But reading the report I definitely felt a sadness when I read about her uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. I had to acknowledge that Laila was a girl with all the physical parts that make a women who is able to bear beautiful children and those dreams won't happen during this life. It's strange really, because I don't recall thinking about Laila's future as a mother very much. Her baby blessing was beautiful and talked about her having a mother heart her entire life. But I don't remember dwelling on thoughts of her future as a mother and spouse--perhaps that is a blessing. I don't know how to describe it but I think it was kind of shocking for me read that my baby had the capability to be a mother and have children. Of course she did, but to me, she was just my little baby. I recognize that Laila still has the promise of all those blessings when she is resurrected and thinking back on her blessing, I want to hope that Laila does have a mother heart and that all the characteristics needed to be a wonderful mother reside in her spirit and that she is using those special talents in Heaven to help those around her.

Something else came in the mail though--her mobile! My friend Kera from Ohio helped me start it when I was still there but when the pregnancy got harder at the end with all the appointments she offered to finish it for me (that's so like Kera. She such a wonderful, thoughtful friend). I'm grateful she sent it even though Laila's not here anymore. It completes her room and will remind me of Laila every time I look at it. It's dainty and beautiful. I hung it over her crib and I love it. I wish everyone had friends as good as mine.

And since I'm at it, I thought I'd add some of the other special gifts that have been given to us and have found a place in her room--there are a lot of other meaningful gifts but these are the ones I put in her room--the others are in other parts of our home.

My sister made this for me to have at the viewing. I had seen a baby announcement like this on another blog and so I asked her to use this song and add the lines on the end concerning her death.
This cute little container came with some other gifts from a friend here in CO. I thought it was perfect to display her cute shoes she wore at her blessing. The figurine was from another friend here who had heard me mention I love Willow Tree figurines. (I also got another one from some high school friends and that one sits above my bed)
A picture my sister took and some flowers from the funeral services.
And finally, the mobile. I took a picture of it close up but it didn't come out for some reason.


Jess and Jen said...

I can imagine that the report was hard to read! You are lucky to have such good friends! I am glad they do things for you that make this easier! -Jen

Gillian Mohlman said...

her room is absolutly perfect. I love everything about it. The mobile is so beautiful. I miss little laila. I am glad people are still serving you and letting you know that you are cared about and loved.

chelsey said...

The gifts are so precious! I'm glad you have them to remind you of the love of your many friends.

I don't know if I could've even read the report! That had to have been hard to do. Hope you and Mike read it together, and not while you were alone. Hang in there!

The Duke said...

I'm sorry that you had to read the report. There is no easy way to get through something like that. I know that you were waiting for it, though.
I love tthe mobile! It's so dainty and so perfect in the room.
I love you.

Frances said...

What a beautiful room. That mobile is so lovely. My heart just aches for you.

Jess and Jason said...

I love that mobile. It seems so appropriate...almost like the butterflies are flying towards heaven to be near Laila.

Jed and Kera said...

I don't think I could have read the report Adrianne. I'm sure she has a mother heart. Her mother sure does.

I love the mobile in her room. It's so pure and sweet just like her. I'm so sorry it took me so long to finish it and get it to you. I am grateful for the memories I have of us preparing for her nursery.

We sure miss you all. Love you!