May!

Most of our May pictures came from our cruise so I don't have many more besides those.  Laila had her eighth birthday.  It was a quiet day and not celebrated in our typical fashion.  We didn't do a balloon release or an official service project.  The kids and I had talked about how having Mike gone was going to make things hard for me to organize something big and honestly, when the time came, I was totally drained mentally and emotionally.  I pretty much just was on auto-pilot while he was gone so I blocked out most emotions about her birthday.  I think I mostly blocked out most emotions this year concerning her.  They've been put in the back of my mind and occasionally pop up but then I put them back quickly.  Probably not the best but what I feel needs to happen this year.  Eight is a big year in our church.  I have a very clear memory of when Eli got baptized and looking back at him and Piper sitting next to him and realizing that we wouldn't have a baptism for a long time.  It seemed so long ago but here we are at the eighth birthday.  I find comfort and peace in the doctrine that babies don't need baptism and I feel honored to be the mother of a child that is perfect.  It still reminds me, however, of what we are missing.  Those milestones and celebrations that we don't get to have with her.  Anyway, so the kids and I talked about how when her birthday came I probably wouldn't be up to doing something official so we made a plan to find service to do each month for someone.  We were good and consistent at doing service while Mike was gone and I felt peaceful that we could offer Laila that in her memory this year.  Normally we post about it on facebook or instagram and invite people to join us in doing service in her memory but after a lot of thought, I decided against that this year.  I don't like to admit this but I think it started to affect me in a negative way that I felt was distracting from what I wanted the service to be about in the first place.  I always felt strongly that it was what she wanted us to do in her memory and I feel like having our minds focused on serving has changed us and has become almost natural.  I love the effect it's had on the kids and hope that we can always keep this a part of our lives.  That said, if I'm being completely honest, I have to admit that I think it also provided me with some kind of validation.  I think that somehow I felt like if someone participated (and even told us what they did), it made me feel like not only Laila was remembered, but I was remembered.  Maybe that my pain and grief was remembered.  I felt supported by having people participate.  I think those are natural feelings and not necessarily bad but on the flip side, I would also feel hurt or discontent when people I thought should/would participate didn't.  Truthfully, no matter what we do there will always be a little bit of discontent because the nature of it isn't a happy celebration.  We try to make it happy and positive by having cake, sometimes decorating, doing something fun together, releasing balloons, and doing service, but at the end of the day, I still feel sadness and dissatisfied.  Nothing can make up for her being gone.  Adding to those feelings by self-pitying thoughts of remorse for an expectation that I have built up in my mind that isn't reached, just isn't what I want or need.  It takes the focus off of her memory and puts it on my pain and turns my thoughts and feelings inward instead of outward on that day.  I think that is why I decided not to invite participation this year.  That, and, I don't think I need it the same way I did in the past.  I know that those that really care or really remember, will serve in her honor without my reminder.  That is really what is important.  There is a lot more to this but I don't want to go into it right now.  Sometimes it's all very confusing and I don't always understand the thoughts and feelings that go with grief.  It is different, less raw, but still there.

Moving on.

Piper had a pretty exciting May.  She lost her first tooth!  My kids lose teeth very slowly.  They get teeth slowly and lose them just as slowly.  All three boys still have a lot of teeth still to lose.  In fact, I can't remember the last time the tooth fairy visited Isaac because it's been such a long time since he lost a tooth and he has a mouth full of baby teeth.  So, being six and a half losing a first tooth is pretty normal in our family.  She was scared and worried she would swallow it and it hurt her and she just wasn't really very happy about the situation.  When it did come out, she was so happy and man, that tooth was tiny!  I told her to put it in her palm so I could show how tiny it was but she had the idea to put it next to her little shopkin and it was so small it fit in the shopkins hand.  She has since lost a second tooth and didn't like it the second time around either.  Her teeth are stubborn and die and turn grey before they finally fall out.  This time she got fed up and twisted and pulled until it fell out.

Finally, Felicity has been trying to potty train herself for about a year now.  It's obnoxious how long she is taking.  I finally texted a friend who is known by other moms as the potty training toddler whisperer.  "Why is it taking her so long to decide to do this for good?!"  She made a good point in that at this age, they really have so little control over their lives that this is her area of control and I should just relax and let her have the control.  It's true.  It's funny because I've always been extremely hands-off with potty training with all of my kids and basically just followed their lead and let them call the shots.  They all started showing interest at about 2 1/2 or close to 3 and then by 3 trained themselves.  Piper was harder for me than the boys and I guess I just got my hopes up with Felicity because she started peeping and pooping in the potty so long ago that I was for sure she would be potty trained long ago.  She is still pretty much doing the same thing she was months and months ago.  She goes in the potty some times and most of the time goes in her diaper.  She loves to put undies on top of her diaper and isn't afraid of the toilet or anything.  She really just doesn't want to do it yet.  So, we are still in the same spot and she is only 2 1/2 so really, not behind at all.  I just have to remind myself that even if she can do it physically, she isn't ready emotionally or mentally and it's okay to give her time.  Plus, it's pretty cool that she has done it as often as she has over the last year.