Self Reflection

 I realize that my last post was kind of judgmental.  I've thought about it a lot in the last week.  The reality is that I feel self-conscience here in Tokyo.  Our family lives in a very trendy, wealthy area of Tokyo.  We are one of the poorer expat families.  Having five children doesn't help.  To make it possible for us to live here the military had to increase Mike's pay by three times and we are still one of the poorer families.  It is so weird to write that because what Mike makes without raising it three times is not a small amount of money.  We live a very blessed, full life.  We have all our needs and wants met and some.  It is strange for me to be surrounded by people who make so much more than that and I find that I feel both self-conscience and judgmental.  I worry that the same family who has a personal driver will find our apartment very average.  Money has always made me feel uneasy.  My past memories of growing up has impacted my behaviors and thoughts about money and I know that I haven't entirely made peace with money.  I purposely choose areas to live in below our means because I feel more comfortable with the people living in those areas.  I know that I roll my eyes at the fancy clothes, trips, and conversations about things that seem very simple and shallow.  I have really tried to take those thoughts apart this past week and work through why I feel that way.  I have a friend in Tennessee that is very poor.  Her home is humble and she cannot afford the nicer things that I have.  Her financial circumstances has never had any place in my feelings towards her.  I love her.  I love her family and her children.  I love to hang out with her and I love the way she makes people happy.  I realize that I would hate to think that she would think less of me or not want to pursue a friendship with me because I make more money than her.  I realize that my insecurities play into my current discomfort.  I hope that I can look past the things I might not understand (It is difficult to understand a life with that much money, to be honest) and look at the person instead of their financial circumstances.  I hope that those around me can do the same for me and see me for the person I am.  If I can do that, I think I'll find my place and my people here.  If I can't, I will spend the next three years trying to find where I fit in and I think I'll be lonely in that mindset.  So, I'm trying to be kinder and less judgmental about conversations that involve how many houses a person owns, or the coolest vacation spots, or personal drivers.  I'm trying to be kinder to myself and remember that I have more to offer than money.