I lost my journal
Well, I haven't written in here since April 10th. So much has happened since then. Mike came home, we went on a cruise, we finished school for the year, we had our house packed and cleaned, we moved across the country, we unpacked (mostly), and then we packed and went to a family reunion. Now, we are home and have to finish getting this house situated and figure out life here in Denver.
I tried to find my journal so I could write down my feelings but it's been lost in the move. I hope I find it. Like the blog, I don't get much time to write in it, though I ought to more, but I have been trying to write my feelings down more so I can get them out and process my thoughts and feelings. So, I'm sad I lost it and would prefer to write those thoughts in feelings in there. Since I can't find it, I figure here is better than no where.
I am actually feeling quite down the last few days. It's not out of the ordinary for me to feel down for brief times (a week every month, or sometimes longer like a few months). It ebbs and flows. I can usually recognize I'm feeling more sensitive or irritable about dumb things or just not very motivated. That's usually when I realize that I need to put more effort into getting exercise in, writing in my journal, being creative, etc.
I could easily identify many reasons for feeling this way. Basically, life has been big lately and it's catching up to me. We came back from the reunion to this house, that I like a lot, that doesn't really feel like my house yet. Most of the boxes are opened and put away but there are random piles of things that don't have a spot and my brain can't seem to work to find spots for them so I just feel out of sorts and disorganized. In the meantime, normal life has to happen. Chores, dinner, shopping for groceries, etc. I feel like I'm not making a lot of progress. I'm feeling kind of burdened with trying to keep the kids off of computers and busy (they have no friends yet!). They want to go to the pool on Friday (it's free every Friday) but I have so much to do and don't want to sit at the pool with them. We went a week ago and they had a good time and we went to a playgroup at the reservoir that week as well so they could make some friends and get out of the house.
I wrote this a long time ago but one of my friends told me, "Adrianne, just be yourself and you will never have a problem finding friends." That meant a lot to me coming from Albert Angola. I mean, sometimes, I think I shouldn't be myself so that I can have friends. Haha. Anyway, I've thought of that many times in the last two years since he told me that. This time I just feel too tired to try and make friends. I like people, generally, and find that friends make my life happier but I feel tired. I feel tired of putting myself out there and getting involved. I feel tired of being new and figuring out inside jokes and who is friends with whom and having those first conversations. I do think Albert is right, I just need to be myself and friendship will come, but it just feels kind of daunting right now. I don't really feel a need to have friends right now--my life is busy and full--but I know I will be happier if I put in the effort. I know the kids will be happier as well.
So, what do I think of Denver? The good and the bad. Denver is nice. Our neighborhood is nice and I feel comfortable here. The house is much better for us than the last one. It's a little smaller but the layout is much better and the space works better. Florida houses like big open spaces and no storage. This house has lots of linen closets and an unfinished basement. It has a mud/laundry room with lots of cupboards so I really like that as well. The tiles are white so I don't have to mop as often (I can't hide the dirt on white tiles like we had in Florida). I like our backyard and the big covered porch and I like the kitchen, eating area much better. This house also has a sweet laundry chute. What I don't like is that there is no door to our bathroom. Why do houses do that? We had to hang up a curtain between the room and bathroom. I'm not sure that it does a whole lot to solve the problem though. Our bathroom only has one sink, not a huge problem, but something we have to get used to. It also only has three bedrooms and a den that we converted into a bedroom. It will have to serve as Will's room/guest room but since it's right off of the main living space, it's going to be somewhat frustrating to keep it clean. Will is not a very clean person, but he's trying, and I think having his own bedroom and bathroom that will also have to serve as a guest bath/bedroom will be good for him to learn to manage his stuff better.
Denver is much bigger than any other city I've lived in. It makes me feel a little claustrophobic and there are so many people and stores and cars everywhere. I know I'll get used to it but it will be an adjustment for me. I'm used to more calm, quiet cities with fewer options of stores to clog my brain. I love the weather so far. I know that we are going to freeze our butts off and I'm not actually looking forward to the cold and snow. It's been a long time since I've had to drive in snow. Not only that, we don't own a lot of warm clothes so I'm going to have to invest in some nice fall/winter clothes. I like that it's cool in the morning, hot for a few hours, and cool again at night. There are ants all over the place and that's been annoying trying to keep them out of the house. We've had a real ant problem since we moved here. But they aren't cockroaches....
I always like wherever I am living the most, after the first year. I'm sure that will happen again. My biggest concern this time is just that I'm already so mentally drained this time around that I worry I won't really get my feet solidly planted under me before we will have to do this all over again. Every picture I hang I tell myself that it's worth it to hang if it makes me feel more settles quicker but in the back of my head I am fighting the thought of, "what is the point? I'm going to have to do all this again in two year." I love the idea of having a nicely decorated house with items that feel like me and bring me joy and make our home feel happy and comfortable but when I have to do that every few years, the interest kind of goes away for me and it begins to feel more like a burden.
I've written about it in my personal journal but Mike is home. Every one warned us that we should be ready for some conflict and big adjustments and to be patient with each other. The first week was weird. I don't know how else to describe it. The first night he was pretty naggy, getting on the boys about all kinds of dumb things. I assume he was trying to show me that he had my back and would take some of that burden off of me. He caught himself and apologized to the kids. The next morning he started nagging again and I put my hand on his arm and said, "Maybe ease into this more slowly." From that point on, things have been good. I give him the credit. He seemed to step back and watch us all and let us do our thing and then slowly add himself back into our routines. He seems totally integrated into life now. He really is so patient and doesn't have a lot of ego in the way that he feels he needs to be in charge or insert himself in things. He has expressed his pride in me and the kids and I think we are all adjusted and it almost feels like we were never apart.
Finally, I guess I should aknowledge that this is July. I would like to say that Laila has nothing to do with my down feelings and it's all about the move and change and coming out of a high stress six months from Mike's deployment, but it would be stupid of me to totally ignore that every July I feel down. Every single July. Some years I am not so stressed and wonder why I'm feeling down and then it's like my body just remembers. Bodies remember trauma, which has been eye-opening and interesting for me to experience. So, here we are, my life is kind of in a weird spot right now and I know it will pass. Life will get settled. Kids will make friends. We will start school and get in a new routine. Mike is back to give me support and be my best friend. July will pass.
I'm just gonna try and ride the feelings out until they pass.
I tried to find my journal so I could write down my feelings but it's been lost in the move. I hope I find it. Like the blog, I don't get much time to write in it, though I ought to more, but I have been trying to write my feelings down more so I can get them out and process my thoughts and feelings. So, I'm sad I lost it and would prefer to write those thoughts in feelings in there. Since I can't find it, I figure here is better than no where.
I am actually feeling quite down the last few days. It's not out of the ordinary for me to feel down for brief times (a week every month, or sometimes longer like a few months). It ebbs and flows. I can usually recognize I'm feeling more sensitive or irritable about dumb things or just not very motivated. That's usually when I realize that I need to put more effort into getting exercise in, writing in my journal, being creative, etc.
I could easily identify many reasons for feeling this way. Basically, life has been big lately and it's catching up to me. We came back from the reunion to this house, that I like a lot, that doesn't really feel like my house yet. Most of the boxes are opened and put away but there are random piles of things that don't have a spot and my brain can't seem to work to find spots for them so I just feel out of sorts and disorganized. In the meantime, normal life has to happen. Chores, dinner, shopping for groceries, etc. I feel like I'm not making a lot of progress. I'm feeling kind of burdened with trying to keep the kids off of computers and busy (they have no friends yet!). They want to go to the pool on Friday (it's free every Friday) but I have so much to do and don't want to sit at the pool with them. We went a week ago and they had a good time and we went to a playgroup at the reservoir that week as well so they could make some friends and get out of the house.
I wrote this a long time ago but one of my friends told me, "Adrianne, just be yourself and you will never have a problem finding friends." That meant a lot to me coming from Albert Angola. I mean, sometimes, I think I shouldn't be myself so that I can have friends. Haha. Anyway, I've thought of that many times in the last two years since he told me that. This time I just feel too tired to try and make friends. I like people, generally, and find that friends make my life happier but I feel tired. I feel tired of putting myself out there and getting involved. I feel tired of being new and figuring out inside jokes and who is friends with whom and having those first conversations. I do think Albert is right, I just need to be myself and friendship will come, but it just feels kind of daunting right now. I don't really feel a need to have friends right now--my life is busy and full--but I know I will be happier if I put in the effort. I know the kids will be happier as well.
So, what do I think of Denver? The good and the bad. Denver is nice. Our neighborhood is nice and I feel comfortable here. The house is much better for us than the last one. It's a little smaller but the layout is much better and the space works better. Florida houses like big open spaces and no storage. This house has lots of linen closets and an unfinished basement. It has a mud/laundry room with lots of cupboards so I really like that as well. The tiles are white so I don't have to mop as often (I can't hide the dirt on white tiles like we had in Florida). I like our backyard and the big covered porch and I like the kitchen, eating area much better. This house also has a sweet laundry chute. What I don't like is that there is no door to our bathroom. Why do houses do that? We had to hang up a curtain between the room and bathroom. I'm not sure that it does a whole lot to solve the problem though. Our bathroom only has one sink, not a huge problem, but something we have to get used to. It also only has three bedrooms and a den that we converted into a bedroom. It will have to serve as Will's room/guest room but since it's right off of the main living space, it's going to be somewhat frustrating to keep it clean. Will is not a very clean person, but he's trying, and I think having his own bedroom and bathroom that will also have to serve as a guest bath/bedroom will be good for him to learn to manage his stuff better.
Denver is much bigger than any other city I've lived in. It makes me feel a little claustrophobic and there are so many people and stores and cars everywhere. I know I'll get used to it but it will be an adjustment for me. I'm used to more calm, quiet cities with fewer options of stores to clog my brain. I love the weather so far. I know that we are going to freeze our butts off and I'm not actually looking forward to the cold and snow. It's been a long time since I've had to drive in snow. Not only that, we don't own a lot of warm clothes so I'm going to have to invest in some nice fall/winter clothes. I like that it's cool in the morning, hot for a few hours, and cool again at night. There are ants all over the place and that's been annoying trying to keep them out of the house. We've had a real ant problem since we moved here. But they aren't cockroaches....
I always like wherever I am living the most, after the first year. I'm sure that will happen again. My biggest concern this time is just that I'm already so mentally drained this time around that I worry I won't really get my feet solidly planted under me before we will have to do this all over again. Every picture I hang I tell myself that it's worth it to hang if it makes me feel more settles quicker but in the back of my head I am fighting the thought of, "what is the point? I'm going to have to do all this again in two year." I love the idea of having a nicely decorated house with items that feel like me and bring me joy and make our home feel happy and comfortable but when I have to do that every few years, the interest kind of goes away for me and it begins to feel more like a burden.
I've written about it in my personal journal but Mike is home. Every one warned us that we should be ready for some conflict and big adjustments and to be patient with each other. The first week was weird. I don't know how else to describe it. The first night he was pretty naggy, getting on the boys about all kinds of dumb things. I assume he was trying to show me that he had my back and would take some of that burden off of me. He caught himself and apologized to the kids. The next morning he started nagging again and I put my hand on his arm and said, "Maybe ease into this more slowly." From that point on, things have been good. I give him the credit. He seemed to step back and watch us all and let us do our thing and then slowly add himself back into our routines. He seems totally integrated into life now. He really is so patient and doesn't have a lot of ego in the way that he feels he needs to be in charge or insert himself in things. He has expressed his pride in me and the kids and I think we are all adjusted and it almost feels like we were never apart.
Finally, I guess I should aknowledge that this is July. I would like to say that Laila has nothing to do with my down feelings and it's all about the move and change and coming out of a high stress six months from Mike's deployment, but it would be stupid of me to totally ignore that every July I feel down. Every single July. Some years I am not so stressed and wonder why I'm feeling down and then it's like my body just remembers. Bodies remember trauma, which has been eye-opening and interesting for me to experience. So, here we are, my life is kind of in a weird spot right now and I know it will pass. Life will get settled. Kids will make friends. We will start school and get in a new routine. Mike is back to give me support and be my best friend. July will pass.
I'm just gonna try and ride the feelings out until they pass.
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