Sunday, December 11, 2016

The week before I had Felicity

My appointment came the day before I turned 35 weeks.  They had checked me at 32 weeks when I went in for my non-stress test.  That was when they had told me to be "restful."  At my 35 week appointment the doctor did my Group B Strep test and then checked to see if I was dilating yet.  I was a 2 and 70% effaced.  I had gotten up that morning feeling pretty good but by the time I got to the doctor, I had begun to have contractions every five minutes.  The doctor asked if I was ready for the baby to come and I told him we still didn't have a carseat.  He chuckled and said that I probably wanted to get on that as soon as possible and that he wouldn't be surprised if he saw me at the hospital that night but that he didn't think I would make it through the week.  He told me that he would not try to stop my labor and that if she came that week she would be ok.  He said she would probably spend a few days in the NICU but that she would be ok.  Then he said if I made it through the week that she would probably be totally fine and have no problems, as girls fair better than boys.

I went home contracting over and over and sat my bum on the couch and didn't move much from that spot the rest of the day.  I didn't want her to come yet.  It didn't matter that the doctor said she would be ok.  I wanted to give her her very best chance to be healthy and developed.  I had Isaac at 36 weeks and his poor lungs were not ready to work on his own.  He wasn't ready to be here and his first two years were full of sickness and I just didn't want to risk a repeat.  That day I really wondered if I was going to go into labor because the contractions picked up to 2-3 minutes apart and were really uncomfortable--not labor uncomfortable but not pleasant.  The boys came in and cleaned my bathtub for me (Piper can't reach the sink so she spits her toothpaste in my tub.  Gross!) and got the water running for me.  I got in the bathtub and after an hour the contractions slowed down again.

We had a similar scare a few days later.  It seemed that as long as I did nothing productive, my contractions stayed relaxed.  I felt them all day but they would be about 10-20 minutes.  When Piper's birthday came I debated if I should cancel her little play date at Chick-Fil-A with her friends but I felt pretty good that morning and felt few contractions so I decided to keep our plans.  I got ready. drove us there, ordered our food, sat the entire time there and then drove home.  That was enough to make the contractions start all over again.  I tried the bathtub again and again, things slowed down a little but by the end of the night I really wondered again if I would wake up in labor.  Right before bed I felt my heart beating quickly and my mind racing as I thought about having a baby.  I cried as I realized that I might be having a baby that night.  I just didn't feel ready to start this journey over again.  I just wanted to put it off as long as possible.  I went to bed with contractions every five minutes apart.  They stopped at some point but every time I got up to go to the bathroom I'd feel them start again.  This was Thursday, Piper's birthday, and I didn't want them to share a birthday.  I was relieved to wake up on Friday not in labor.  Mike and I decided that from that point on I needed to be even more "restful."

I skipped the ward Nativity on Friday, took it easy on Saturday, and asked someone to sub my class on Sunday.  I stayed home on Sunday and did very little--wrote in my journal and the kid's journals.  I played a board game with the family when everyone got home and pretty much just laid low.  My appointment was the next day and I had almost officially made it through 35 weeks and hoped to at least make it another week.

I just felt so confused.  I didn't really understand what was going on with my body.  I'd been in labor five other times and knew what it felt like to be in labor but my body wasn't exactly following the normal pattern of things.  I felt like the boy who cried wolf when my body would start to act like it was going into labor but then wasn't.  I didn't feel ready to have a baby yet (I don't think I ever would have been ready to be honest) but was so physically exhausted at the end of the day (without even doing anything productive at all!) that I wondered how much longer I could endure the current circumstances.  I just felt like I was in limbo.  People kept texting and calling and asking me how I was doing and I didn't really have an answer other than I was still having contractions but not in labor.  I walked around at a 5 with Laila and contracting every five minutes with her for a week and made it to 39 weeks so I knew that this could go on for awhile and I hated having everyone be on alert just waiting for me to have a baby when I had no clue what was going to happen.

All I did know was that regardless of when she came, I wanted to wait longer before she came.  I didn't want her to come yet.  I kept thinking that I'd make it to 37 weeks and then my body would suddenly relax and chill out and be like, "Just kidding."  And, I didn't care.  I just didn't want to have her yet.  


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