Sunday, October 02, 2016

Time needs to slow down

The end of this pregnancy is quickly coming and I am getting anxious.  This pregnancy has gone by really quickly and I can't believe we are almost done.  I am not typically one of those women who can't wait for the baby to arrive, which is funny since they always come early.  I know what comes next and so I cam usually happy to let the baby cook and stay put.

We went on a date a couple of weeks ago and looked for baby stuff (I got rid of everything but some clothes) and we left without purchasing anything.  It made Mike excited for the arrival of our baby but just made me feel overwhelmed.  I guess I can't really erase from my memory the past experiences.  My experiences leave me worried about repeating all this again.  It doesn't really matter if the difficulty of my newborns is just my perception or reality.  It is my reality and therefore, makes me very nervous about her coming soon.

I can say that when I set the past experiences aside, I actually feel somewhat peaceful about the future.  When I start thinking about the crying, the crappy nursing (not all have been crappy nursers!), the awful sleeping patterns, etc, I just try to remind myself that I'm older and wiser and I'm a much different mom now and that things will be different this time.  The baby might not be any different than the others but at least I can be different.

This time I have older children and our schedules and life is so much different than it was 4 years ago.  It will make life both hard and easy, I think.  I'm excited for the help that the boys will be able to be to me this time around.  I've already discussed with the boys how much crying they all did and told them that I will expect them to hold this baby when I need help and that the baby will cry and they are not to come rush to get me.  She will cry for me, she will cry for them, and that's ok.  If I need a shower and the baby is fed and changed and she starts crying, that's ok.  It's going to be an interesting dynamic and experience this time around.

My biggest hope is that I don't have postpartum depression this time around.  It just makes everything worse.  I did not have it with Laila and even though she was still a fussy baby who hated to sleep and was in pain when she ate (from reflux), I wasn't nearly as affected by it because mentally I could handle her fussiness much better.

Today, Elder Nelson's talk actually brought me peace thinking about the baby coming.  He talked about joy and having a bigger perspective about our circumstances.  As I listened I felt the truth of what he was saying and I can say that I love my kids so much and they bring me so much joy.  I know this baby will too.  I've never questioned that and if I can focus on the joy that I will get from this baby, I can look forward with peace and not dwell on the other stuff.

That said, I love to feel this baby move inside me.  She is a mover, just like Piper was.  She moves and twists and kicks and the kids all laugh and poke my belly to make her move more and she usually gives them exactly what she wants, which brings more laughs.  She seems to really like music because she always moves when music is played.  The boys always talk to my belly and say, "zombies!" or "money!" and joke that if they say it enough that maybe her first word will be either one of those.  Piper just kisses my belly a billion times a day and talks about how much she wants her baby sister to come.  The excitement of everyone really makes me so happy.  She will certainly be loved.

To end this long post, I'll just leave an update as to my current status in pregnancy.  I'm doing fine.  I'm dealing with common pregnancy issues like painful hips and difficulty moving.  I'll get terrible headaches for a week and then be fine for a week or two.  The nausea isn't gone but it's really not that bad right now.  I feel a little sick in the morning and if I eat something too sweet or don't eat for long periods of time.  I have had some heartburn but it's not all the time.  Braxton Hicks are much better this time around.  I'm used to feeling a lot of action by now and I do have Braxton Hicks but not like I am used to.  I drink a lot more water now than I used to so I wonder if that is a large part of the difference.  I'll have a day or two where I have a lot and then a few days of not too many.

The only other real pregnancy issue for me right now is some leg pain.  It was pretty bad for a few days.  I decided to get it checked out and they were worried that it was a bit swollen and throbbing and tingly so I had to go to radiology and get an ultrasound for a possible blood clot.  The results came back with no blood clot thankfully, so I'm assuming it's just a varicose vein that I have that has never caused me any problems previously.  The frustrating thing about the experience was that I had all four kids with me at the hospital and I really thought it wasn't going to be anything so I assumed it would be a quick appointment and was totally unprepared to stay at the hospital during lunch time with the four kids.  They did a great job and were so good and patient though.

The doctor said that if the pain continued I needed to come back in a few days later to have the ultrasound repeated.  The next morning my leg hurt a little bit but by the end of the day the pain was gone and the next two days I felt no pain at all.  It started to come back today so I'm not sure what is going on but I'm not terribly worried and assume it's just swelling and the varicose vein. I have an appointment in a week and I'll talk to the doctor about it some more then unless it gets worse.

I'm almost to appointments every two weeks, which is just crazy to me.  It's coming so soon!  In the meantime, I'm trying to just enjoy the kids and the fall and my walks until I can't anymore.  

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