Sunday, November 22, 2015

Moving the chest out of my room

We bought a chest to put Laila's belongings in when she passed away.  I don't look through the chest very often, maybe just a couple of times a year, but it has her dresses and tiny shoes and the blanket she slept with.  It includes the CD of her ultrasound before she was born where we found out she was a girl and some dried flowers I kept from the person who delivered flowers to us each month that first year after she died.  There are some other things in that chest that have special meaning and that I don't want to lose.

The chest has sat by my bed since we moved here.

This week two of my brothers and their families are coming to visit for Thanksgiving.  I was trying to get the guest/craft room ready for one of them to stay in there.  The light in that room is pretty dim so I bought a lamp to go by the bed but then realized I had nothing to set the lamp on.  I went to Target and bought a small table and brought it in the room.  I didn't really like it and didn't appreciate having to pay $80 for a tiny table that I wasn't in love with.  As I considered if I should keep the table or not I remembered the chest sitting by my bed not being used that would be the perfect height.  I had Mike help me carry the chest to the room and returned the table to Target.

That night I kept feeling bugged by something.  I felt like something was wrong.  I kept trying to figure out what was causing me to feel out of sorts and finally my eyes rested on the bare spot in my room where the chest used to be.

Of course.

I hadn't realized before how much having that chest near me each day meant to me.  It didn't matter that I don't regularly get in the chest to touch her miniature dresses or look for evidence of her hair on the blanket she slept with.  Just having that chest around and knowing that inside was a part of her allowed me to feel close to her and suddenly that reminder was missing.

4 years later I still get surprised at times by the things that trigger certain emotions or thoughts.  The day she died was a Sunday and we came home from church and took her out of her car seat and put it by the side of the couch and then had Mike put her down for her nap.  I didn't move her car seat from that spot for a long, long time.  It was just too hard.  I did finally move the car seat and when Piper came along she used the seat and eventually I passed it on to a friend who was having a baby and needed a car seat.

And then there was the pack-n-play that Piper was sleeping in while my brother and his wife were visiting.  We let them have her room and set the pack-n-play up in the closet so she could sleep in a dark spot.  I made us keep the pack-n-play up for months.  We just squeezed around it while we searched for shoes or clothes, pretending like it was normal to have a pack-n-play crowd your closet.  Mike respected my need to have it take over our closet and never said a word to me about it needing to be put away.

So, I guess the chest being a room away and causing me to feel out of sorts makes sense.  It is hard for me to let go of the things that physically represent a part of her.

The chest is still in the guest/craft room.  I might move it back to my room after everyone leaves.  I haven't decided.

1 comment:

The Duke said...

Have you decided yet what you will do with the chest? This is heartfelt and well written. I can feel the spirit behind the writing.