Monday, December 01, 2014

Piperleigh on her second birthday

Piper is two!  It's pretty wonderful that she has been a part of our family that long, and hard to believe.  Some days when I hold her at nap time or bedtime I feel so close to Laila.  Not in the sense that I feel Laila near, though maybe that is what I'm feeling, but rather, I just can't help but think of her as well.  I hold Piper and this overwhelming love for her fills my entire soul and I think of her sister and I cry because I love them both so much.  I worried when I got pregnant with Piper about my feelings and how I would make sense of them all after losing Laila.  I kept my feelings pretty quiet from everyone, not even announcing my pregnancy with Piper until 30 weeks.  It was all just so confusing and painful and I needed my privacy.  I worried about Piper, that she was coming at a time when my heart was so tender and broken.  Maybe she would have black hair like her sister and I wouldn't be able to see them separately.  It was such a tender mercy that she was born bald, and now has red hair.  I worried that I would withhold some of my love from Piper because I was afraid to love another baby girl again.  I sobbed when I found out I was having a girl again.  I cried out of fear, pain, and happiness.  I wanted another baby girl to love but also, I was scared to love another baby girl.  A part of me wished she was a boy so I could make a clear distinction and separation between her and her sister.  Sometimes I get confused, even now, when I hold Piper and I almost immediately think of Laila.  In a way it is sweet--Piper definitely keeps her sister close to my heart and mind.  In another way, it makes me worry that Piper will think I don't love her fully and that instead of just holding her and loving her I am wishing I could hold Laila.  But it isn't that at all.  I love them both so much and I think in a way missing Laila only makes me love Piper more.  I know it does, actually.  Holding her and kissing her and brushing her hair and reading her books just means so much to me.  I am a much softer mom than I ever was with the boys.  Piper has been a healing balm for our family.  She has given the boys a sister to love.  They still love Laila but they love having a sister to protect and play with.  She is very spoiled.  


Jess Clark said...

I'll give you five bucks to take Piper out through town (not WalMart) dressed like she was in the stroller picture.

Mike and Adrianne said...

Well, I haven't taken her out with her earings on and her pj's that way but she won't let me leave the house without her pink purse and boa on. We've gone to Target and Joanne's like that. It's pretty funny. Did your girls do this?