Piperleigh on her second birthday

Piper is two!  It's pretty wonderful that she has been a part of our family that long, and hard to believe.  Some days when I hold her at nap time or bedtime I feel so close to Laila.  Not in the sense that I feel Laila near, though maybe that is what I'm feeling, but rather, I just can't help but think of her as well.  I hold Piper and this overwhelming love for her fills my entire soul and I think of her sister and I cry because I love them both so much.  I worried when I got pregnant with Piper about my feelings and how I would make sense of them all after losing Laila.  I kept my feelings pretty quiet from everyone, not even announcing my pregnancy with Piper until 30 weeks.  It was all just so confusing and painful and I needed my privacy.  I worried about Piper, that she was coming at a time when my heart was so tender and broken.  Maybe she would have black hair like her sister and I wouldn't be able to see them separately.  It was such a tender mercy that she was born bald, and now has red hair.  I worried that I would withhold some of my love from Piper because I was afraid to love another baby girl again.  I sobbed when I found out I was having a girl again.  I cried out of fear, pain, and happiness.  I wanted another baby girl to love but also, I was scared to love another baby girl.  A part of me wished she was a boy so I could make a clear distinction and separation between her and her sister.  Sometimes I get confused, even now, when I hold Piper and I almost immediately think of Laila.  In a way it is sweet--Piper definitely keeps her sister close to my heart and mind.  In another way, it makes me worry that Piper will think I don't love her fully and that instead of just holding her and loving her I am wishing I could hold Laila.  But it isn't that at all.  I love them both so much and I think in a way missing Laila only makes me love Piper more.  I know it does, actually.  Holding her and kissing her and brushing her hair and reading her books just means so much to me.  I am a much softer mom than I ever was with the boys.  Piper has been a healing balm for our family.  She has given the boys a sister to love.  They still love Laila but they love having a sister to protect and play with.  She is very spoiled.