Sunday, August 04, 2013

One of those posts where I just complain

I'm interrupting this travelogue to complain.

At least I'm honest about it right?

There have been some big changes in our home in the last three years.  There have been other little trials along the way--normal life trials--but aside from those, there have also been some big life stressors.  Let me take a minute to list them.

July 2010:  I had a miscarriage.  I wasn't far along but it was a sad few months that followed.

September 2010:  I got pregnant with Laila.  The pregnancy was a difficult one.  Much like Will's pregnancy I was sick the entire time but thankfully this time after a few months I was able to get on meds that helped me only be nauseated, not throwing up all the time.  At 26ish weeks they diagnosed me with gestational diabetes and the remainder of the pregnancy became extremely stressful for me (appointments, non-stress tests, pricking my fingers, keeping a food journal, emailing my numbers to the nurse each week, etc)  Aside from all that, I had contractions early on that were painful.  I felt as though I was in preterm labor for at least a month.  (I was having non-stress tests for a few months so I was able to see the contractions on the monitor.  They came consistently around 15-20 min for weeks and just became more frequent)

May 2011:  Laila was born.

May 2011:  We moved to Colorado.  Laila was only two weeks old.  It was a good move as far as moves go but anyone that has ever moved knows that moving is just stressful and when you add a tiny newborn to it, it is even more stressful.

July 2011:  Laila died.

April 2012:  I got pregnant.  While this pregnancy wasn't as draining physically as my pregnancy with Laila, it was by far the most draining emotionally.  Getting pregnant again took a lot of courage and faith on my part.  Then once I was pregnant it was a constant fight against fear and anxiety.  Finding out that she was a girl was even more difficult for me.  I kept my feelings private so I could process it all on my own.  Aside from the emotional toll, I was diagnosed with Placenta Previa around 20 weeks.  I started bleeding a few weeks later and bled off and on until around 28ish weeks.  Knowing how dangerous placenta previa could be added to my worry.  When I stopped bleeding and found out that the placenta had moved out of the way and was no longer a problem, I was then told that Piper had a cyst on her ovary.  So her entire pregnancy filled me with worry and fear.

December 2012:  Piper was born!  While such a wonderful blessing for our family her arrival also brought many painful memories (and tender, sweet feelings too).  It was a confusing time for me.  Piper has not been an easy baby and her sleeping issues have been extremely difficult for me.  But also, when Piper sleeps longer than expected, which isn't often, there is the fear that she is not going to wake up.  Of course, this is normal after what we have experienced and mostly, God has blessed our hearts with peace about this.  That said, she is a sweet baby and has also filled my heart with immense joy.

May 2013:  Mike left at the end of May to go to Alabama.  He was gone for two months.  Piper was sick 6 of the 8 weeks he was gone.  There were many sleepless nights and many days of a fussy baby.

June 2013:  I broke my knee.

So now we are caught up to date.  But wait!  It won't end there.  Here is what my future year looks like:

Aug. 2013:  Surgery for my broken knee.  The surgeon will attempt to grow new cartilage in my knee.  I will not be able to put any weight on my knee for six weeks.  Then I will have to undergo extensive physical therapy.  The recovery is expected to be 6-12 months.

December 2013:  Mike gets deployed.  He will be gone until around June of 2014.

July 2014:  Our family will move.  This is contingent on Mike getting his PhD.  We find out about this in the next few weeks.  We don't know where we will move yet.

So now that I've given you the timeline of crappiness, I want to complain about it.  So please, let me.  Or stop reading, I guess....

I am just so tired of everything right now.  I feel like I am maxed out and can't handle much more of anything.  I mean, these are just the major stressors I have dealt with or am going to deal with.  As I said, clearly there are other, normal day to day stresses of being sick, trying to lose weight, appointments, busy schedules, etc., etc.  This knee injury is so horrible to me that I can't even fully wrap my head around it.  It's not nearly as bad as losing Laila of course but like Laila's death that was such a surprise, there was no preparation for this.  One day I was fine, exercising, working on my goal of being healthy and then the next day my life is turned upside down by one stupid injury.  I just keep going over and over it in my head, wishing I hadn't done the workout or that I hadn't been going to the gym.  I was trying to be so good and trying to take care of myself and my body and get back in shape after the toll of Laila's pregnancy, death, and then Piper's pregnancy.  I was excited to begin seeing changes to my body and proud of my hard work.  And then in one day, with one injury, I've taken a hundred steps backwards.  I can no longer work out the way I want.  The surgeon said at minimum I can't even think about running for year.  In theory I should be able to do the glider or the bike or swim but I've tried each of those things and went away with pain that has lasted for days.

The outlook for the surgery doesn't look terribly promising.  The surgeon started out by telling me that while our bodies aren't good at growing cartilage, neither are the doctors.  So there is a good chance that the surgery won't even work.  Honestly, I'm concerned I'm going to be disabled and that is frightening to me.

Today Mike and I fasted and prayed to know what to do about my knee and tomorrow we will go to see the surgeon again and ask all the questions we have come up with since I saw him last.  I am hoping he can help me and that my knee will recover and that all my concerns will prove to be nothing at all.

But honestly, when I look at this timeline I feel frustrated.  I feel as though I've dealt with more in the last few years (and coming year) than some people deal with in a lifetime.  I am happy that I'm still going but I truthfully feel a bit beaten and I wonder when there will be respite.  I don't see any for at least a year and that is so depressing.

I know that I just need to have more faith and confidence in Heavenly Father's plan.  I also know that there can be joy and peace in the midst of all the trials I have.  I have felt that joy and peace many times in the last few years.  But I also am so tired right now.  I need a nice long break where I can pick myself up and regroup.

And now I'll close my post and resume our travelogue.  But please, if you want to make a comment like, "Buck up." "That's the way life is" or something along those lines, don't bother.  I'll want to punch you in the face.  Oh, this is ending on a cheerful note....


Papa Doc said...

Chris told me that this was a post I should read. Thank you for putting it down. I am sorry you have to have such trials, but as you know and have said, that is the way it is.

I probably would fall completely apart with such things happening to me. You are doing the right things in fasting, thinking, writing, talking, and praying.

We all have trials of various sorts, and it is the hope that we can be made strong by the Lord and the Spirit in confronting them. At times trials are so hard, and at other times they are not. You are going through a tough period. Chris and I have seen difficult times, too. We try to understand, truly. We pray for you and do so regularly. We will continue.

When I look at your blog and see the faces of the children I do see a great blessing to Chris and I to have at least some association with such children. Thank you for being willing to go through the trial of having them. God bless you and Mike, and all of the kids.

Dad Clark

Sylvia said...

I found your blog through Sis. Dever - she is a long-time friend of mine and I wanted you to know that so you don't think I'm some random person who doesn't know anyone you know. :)

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I know that wasn't easy, but it can be so therapeutic. I hope that it was so for you.

Sometimes life is so tough - actually it is downright brutal. While I haven't had the same trials as you, I have had some monster ones of my own, and I do know completely well those feelings of "I can't do this anymore! When will it STOP?!" (((hugs)))

You have shown a great deal of strength by sharing these tough moments, acknowledging that, even though you recognize the many blessings from Heavenly Father, Life is just really really difficult right now and you want it to ease up, to find relief, to find some peace from the constant worry and stress and heartache and pain... peace and calm that lasts.

Thank you for sharing the difficult times with all of us here in blogland. You are in my prayers. I don't know when it will all ease up, but I do know you aren't alone. You have been heard and, by me at least, you have every right to feel the way you do. You have been through so many horrible things and doesn't seem to be ending soon. Hopefully you have felt easing of the burden as you have shared, been heard, and have been validated.

Sending love and strength your way - Sylvia