Monday, May 27, 2013

Temporary Separation

I remember how the months after Laila died I'd wake up with this heavy feeling.  The first days and weeks I just always felt that way--morning, day, night. I'd sleep fitfully and have nightmares and wake up multiple times a night and just look around the room.  I never really felt I slept--just lived in this dream-like turmoil all the time.  But later, months and months later, I started sleeping again.  The days were good--happy and full for the most part.  The boys kept things moving.  But those first few seconds and minutes when my eyes would open for the day, I'd feel a heavy, sad burden.  Often my first thought was, "What is wrong?"  and then I'd instantly remember that my daughter was gone, never to wake me up with her calls from her crib.  And then I'd have to mentally prepare myself for the day.  Thankfully, while Laila couldn't wake me up with her calls, the boys could and did.  Will still had to be at the bus stop at 7:25 and there was breakfast to make and lunches to pack and boys to say good morning to.  Laying in bed thinking about what was wrong wasn't really an option and for that, I'm grateful because it kept me getting up each morning.  

The last few weeks that feeling returned.  Last week I sat across a booth from Mike while on a date and conversation lulled for a second and that old, familiar feeling creeped in.  I instantly thought, "Something is wrong" and then remembered that Mike was leaving me and the kids for two months, and then later, for five more.  I hate that feeling.  It reminds me of those horrible days.  Interesting that the times I remember feeling that feeling are when someone I love is gone.  

Now that Mike is in Alabama, that feeling has mostly left.  It's like all the anxiety and fear left with him.  Now it's just down to the nitty gritty day to day stuff.  I'm so exhausted by the end of the day.  The days have just been so long and we are only finishing the third day.  There is just so much to do already and now all the added tasks that I have to take over make for a busy, long day.  I talked to Mike on the computer last night and it was late--10:00--and he said that we probably better say goodnight and go to bed and I didn't want to go to bed because I had only gotten the boys to bed 45 min. before and I had finally sat down to relax and I knew that going to bed meant waking up to another long, exhausting day.

Thankfully it's summer, which means that even though the days are long, they aren't as busy and stressful as they would be if the boys were in school.  Instead of homework we have parks and instead of early mornings rushing out the door, we have boys lounging in their pj's for half the morning.  I have some fun things planned for us to do so hopefully that will help make the days go by quickly.  

I'm excited for when we get to be all back together again.  I don't like having my family separated.
Piper talks to Mike on the computer

Technology can be such a wonderful thing!  Mike is participating in our scripture study.  


The Duke said...

I love the picture of Piper looking at Mike. Technology definitely is a great thing to keep us connected.
I hope you find a kind of routine that will allow a few more "me" moments so you don't wear out too quickly.
Love you.

Frances said...

Oh man Adrianne!! I seriously want to just fly out there and take care of you and those kids. You are such a great mom, I know you know that. And I hear you about getting to bed... some days I just don't want to because it means I'll blink and the work day will start all over again! I love that picture of Piper, it's priceless. I keep meaning to email Mike about his children's book, I did a couple of drawings. I'm the worst about email. Let hime know!!