Fear

In November Mike and I decided to let the boys sleep over at their Aunt's house. She had a special night planned for them--pizza, popcorn, movies. We were in Salt Lake for a party and she offered to drive them back to her apartment in Provo. I choked. It was the first night I'd been away from them since Laila died and I was afraid to have them away from me. I knew we still needed to lead a normal life and locking my children in my house, not allowing them fun opportunities because I was afraid, was not normal. So I agreed to the sleep over. But letting my babies in my sister's car for almost an hour was too much. I'm sure my sister is a very good driver and I was embarrassed to say, "Actually, I'd rather drive them. If any more of my children are going to die in a car, I want to be in that car." Yes, a little cookoo. But can you blame me? As morbid as it sounds, I don't want my children to die and leave me behind.

Thoughts like these are normal for me and I know they are probably natural considering what we've gone through. I'm sure I will continue to have fears like this for awhile, maybe forever, but I also know that what is required is more faith. And I'm working on that. Certainly more faith will get rid of the fear.

I'm ok with these thoughts because I recognize how to combat them.

But what really gets me is when I recognize similar thoughts coming from my boys. Last night I had an enrichment activity at church. Mike told the boys I'd be home at 8 and when I walked in the door at 8:30, he said, "You've got some boys that need you to say good night to them." I was slightly surprised to find them still awake because on school nights we generally make them get ready for bed at 7:00 (Will has to be at the bus stop at 7:30 in the morning). When I walked in their room they shot up and said almost in a chorus, "Oh! We thought you were dead!" I said, "Why on earth did you think I was dead?" to which they responded, "Dad said you'd be home earlier. We thought you were dead and not coming home." Then Isaac added, "I worried that if I died I'd never get to give you another kiss."

Oh it just breaks my heart. I reassured them that they weren't going to die until they were very, very old and that they were protected and safe. It's hard when I just wish I could shelter them from the fear and make it all better. Instead, all I can do is teach them that life moves on and that we can't live our lives in fear. We still have sleepovers at our Aunt's house, we still jump on the trampoline, we still drive in cars, etc. We just have to live our lives and try to fight the fear.