Wednesday, January 18, 2012

An entry

I am working on a project for the boys and it's been good and hard. I think it's helped a lot with my healing actually. But it's also been difficult in some ways. Part of the project involves going through my past journals as well as Laila's journal. Sometimes we write in it when we want to tell her something. I'm sure writing it isn't needed--that she can get our message anyway--but I think writing it helps keep it permanent or something. Anyway, I saw this entry I wrote last month. It keeps playing over and over in my head and I'm not sure it will stop until I write it here for some reason.

December 4, 2011

This morning I laid my head on your Dad's chest. It was sweet and comfortable and I heard, "Bump. Bump. Bump." Then I thought of you and imagined my ear on your tiny chest only to hear...nothing. It was such a sad thought. Your tiny little heart stopped beating and your body is lifeless. I pray and have faith that your spirit lives on and anxiously await the day your heart beats again.

3 comments:

Frances said...

It's hard to think of Laila's little face and not feel like she's alive. I know you're right that her spirit lives on. But how nice it will be to actually hold her again. That is something I would be anxious for too! I think the journal sounds like such a wonderful idea.

Kristi, Liezl, Quincy, Ava, and Josh said...

I also think the journal is a fantastic idea. You are a strong, brave person to undergo a project like that. It will be a treasure to you and your posterity forever.

.Chrissy said...

I just read your story on Mormon Mommy blog. I am so sorry for your loss! I want you to know I do not judge you. As I read your story I put myself in your place and I really just feel love for you. I also wish that we would all have more charity towards each other and if we could lose the superiority complex that really comes because of our insecurity complex. I am grateful for the gift of forgiveness and for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. What a great example you are of humility. To share your story with others in the hope that we can feel love and understanding for each other in our lives. I pray too that the women who read your story will feel that love for you that I feel. That they will choose to let their hearts be softened. God bless you.