Healing
It was time to feed Laila when I sent Mike upstairs to get her only to find her gone already.
It was an unexpected consequence of her death that I suddenly found myself hugely engorged with no baby to relieve the pain and pressure.
I was sitting in the hospital holding my lifeless baby when my milk let down suddenly. I had completely forgotten that when Mike went to wake her I was already full, needing her to eat. The initial realization didn't mean a lot to me. I had done it before and I knew what to expect.
(This wasn't the first time I had to go through the painful process of drying up. When I had Will I was taking a seizure medication that wasn't the safest for breastfeeding. When we discovered the medicine wasn't as safe as we were led to believe I stopped breastfeeding immediately. It was horribly painful but only lasted about three days.)
I knew it would be painful and unpleasant but the pain my body would be feeling in the next few hours meant little to me because my mind and soul were feeling a much more overwhelming pain.
I spent the next few days allowing my body to heal. It was just as painful as I remembered and expected. The brace I used to bind myself with and the cabbage I used to ease the intense heat and engorgement as well as reduce the milk supply, helped but I knew that he only thing that would ease the pain was time.
We hoped and prayed that my body would heal quickly but secretly, I also hoped and prayed that my milk would not dry up. I felt conflicted with each let down of my milk. I wanted the pain to end but each let down was a tender reminder of my sweet baby and the precious moments we spent together while the rest of our family slept. I knew that once my milk supply ended, it would be final. She really would be gone. It seemed to me the last reminder of the physical separation I had to face now and I dreaded it being final.
The physical healing only lasted a week--it was intense and then gradually gone. The real healing though is going to take much, much longer. While physically I'm back to normal, I am changed. I will never be the same. I know that I might lose some friends now--they want the old Adrianne back. The old one can't come back. That's not to say I'm not still Adrianne, just that now there is less and more of the old Adrianne, if that makes sense.
Unlike the bodily healing I experienced, I'm not sure there will be complete healing during this life.
But, I know it will come.
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