Tuesday, August 30, 2011


On Saturday morning I heard the boys making noises (when it's a school day I wake up before them but on weekends they usually wake before me). I think in my not quite awake state, I recognized they were in Laila's room.

I really wasn't awake yet so I instantly dreamed that I was getting up and going into her room to get her. I imagined seeing the same thing I saw every morning since she started smiling. I'd walk into her room and say, "Good morning baby!" and I'd look down at her and she'd give me a huge smile--her own "Good morning Mommy."

I felt a real surge of happiness. Oh, I love that baby girl.

And then there was a knock on the door and I opened my eyes and realized it was not real. There was no Laila crying out for me. I think it hurts me that she doesn't need me anymore. I can't do anything for her. Now, I'm the one that needs her.

My Mom described what it was like when her mom died. She said right after my grandma passed away she felt her all the time, then eventually she didn't feel her very much anymore. A few other people have described it that way too so I figured that would happen to me as well but I didn't realize it would happen this quickly.

When she first passed away I felt her near (or at least others that have passed on if it wasn't her). It was a strange juxtaposition actually. I felt such intense, horrible pain, deeper than any I've ever felt and then almost immediately following I'd feel such hope, and peace. I think perhaps there were unseen spirits there lifting me.

But, I don't feel that quite so much anymore. I guess the intensity of the pain isn't as deep either though.

The weekend she died she was sleeping in the closet in the pack-n-play so that her cousin could sleep in her crib. One month later, the pack-n-play is in the exact spot it was when she last slept in it. Today I went to hang clothes up in the closet and thought, "Adrianne, really, this is ridiculous. You can't get in here. You should take the pack-n-play down."

And then I turned and walked out of the closet, leaving the pack-n-play exactly where it was.

It just seems like there are so many reminders that she isn't here anymore and I feel like I am having to make effort after effort to keep her around. For one, I bought a locket to keep her hair in and I keep a blanket she slept with buried under another pile of blankets hoping to keep her scent on it longer. Her car seat still sits in the living room.

I told Mike I didn't want our house to become some creepy shrine, and I don't think it is, but part of me just wants her around still and since I can't feel her as easily, I guess I'm just reaching for anything to remind me of her.

My mom came to visit and brought pictures she took at the graveside ceremony. I've decided that for now, I don't want to post pictures of that day on here. Maybe someday I will but I'm not sure I can yet. I wanted them however, to put in a scrapbook my friend made me. But, I am going to post this one picture. When this picture popped up I groaned, "Do I really still look that pregnant?" (Is it any surprise? Of course I do...I always look like this when I'm done having a baby).

But then I looked at it again and now I love the picture for the same reason I can't take the pack-n-play down and can't wash her blanket or put the car seat away--it reminds me of Laila. I remember that I gave Laila her perfect body and for the first time in my life I am grateful for my post-pregnancy bump.


Haven Salon said...

I am glad mom was able to come out and visit you. In time I hope things will get easier for you, but I think it's good you still have reminders of her because she is something that made you very happy. She will always love you and she knows how much you love her.

love you.


chelsey said...

I think you'll find that even when Laila's things are put away, you'll still find reminders of her around-- it might be in a scent outside, a stroll to the park, etc. Her memories will be there and you've got a whole family with memories of her as well. It's perfectly understandable that you don't want to put things away just yet. I don't know if I'd be ready to either. Take your time. There's no hurry.
I'm so glad mom got to come spend the week with you. I think it was great for both of you! Love you!

GrumpyJaxMomOf3 said...

Tears.... Your honesty is so touching. Sending an abundance of prayers your way.

Jess and Jason said...

You are beautiful Adrianne! I hope you can see that.

Frances said...

Adrianne, I'm amazed at how beautiful your words are. They are so honest and straight from your heart. You encourage me so much.

I wouldn't worry about her things. I think you'll make the right decisions at the right times for yourself. And you look beautiful in that picture.