Conversations

I went to check on the boys the other night--night time has been a problem at our house since Laila passed away--and found Will in his bed looking pretty upset. I asked him what was wrong and he started crying and said, "I can hear Eli snoring so I know he is still alive but I can't hear Isaac at all. I was worried so I got out of my bed and put my ear close to his face to see if I could hear him and I can't. I think he is dying."

How can someone so little be expected to go through something so big?

I told him it was OK, that both his brothers were breathing and they weren't going to die. I asked him if he was afraid in his room and he said, "Well, yes. I'm afraid to be on the top bunk by myself." I told him he could sleep with one of his brothers if he would like and he said, "No, what if I'm sleeping in the same bed and they die?"

I assured him again that they were not going to die and that he would be safe in his room and we said a prayer where I called on Heaven for help to keep my children safe, happy, and unafraid.

The boys are dealing with the loss of Laila in very different ways. Eli seems the least touched by it, though he talks about Laila dying almost daily. He said, "What if I jumped so high over the car that I reached up to heaven and grabbed Laila and brought her back?" We told him she was a spirit and he couldn't grab her. He then said, "Well, what if I got a sticker then. That could work."

I'm not sure who is struggling with Laila's passing the most--Will or Isaac. Not surprising, Will is very vocal about his feelings. Isaac, on the other hand, is not. He is getting better at opening up to us but he says quite often, "I'm just crying on the inside, not the outside." The other night at bedtime he started crying. He said he was so sad that he never got to see Laila roll over and that just daddy saw her. He said he missed her happy squeals in the bath too and that he missed her.

I asked, "Isaac, do you know how sometimes you find me in her room writing in my journal? Do you know why I go in there to write? I go in there because I feel peace in there. Sometimes I think I feel her there. I think that you could feel peace in there too. I think that if you pray and ask Heavenly Father to let you feel her spirit in that room, that He will let you feel her. I think she loves you and your brothers very much--that you were best friends in the pre-existence and that she wanted to come to our family so she could be with you. And I think she will want to visit you."

The next morning I walked by her room and noticed the door had been opened but no one was in it. I went downstairs to find Isaac and Eli already awake. I said, "Isaac, I noticed Laila's door is opened. Did you go in her room?" He beamed at me and said, "Yeah, I went in with Eli." I asked him if he felt good while in there and he said, "Yes! And guess what? I felt something in my heart. I think it was her hair tickling me." Then later, he added more when he was talking to Mike. He said, "I think I also felt her little fingers poking my heart and I think she was kicking me in my tummy just like she always did when she was alive. And I heard her squeal."

Since then, I've found the boys in her room almost every morning. Sometimes they are all there and sometimes just Isaac and sometimes they all just come in while I'm writing in my journal.

When I first found out we were having a girl I got excited to decorate her room. I had ideas for how her room should look before we ever moved to this house. I felt anxious to get it done and it was the first room finished. I was stressing about all the stuff I had to do and I think Mike was confused about why I was so determined to get it done so quickly. I couldn't figure it out myself. But now, I wonder if Laila wanted this room--if I was supposed to get it done quickly so she could enjoy it for those few short months. Perhaps it brought her peace too, and hopefully, it is still a place she wants to be so those of us left behind can go there and seek her presence and find comfort.

Even if it's not true, I like to believe it.