Will is five

I've mentioned before that Will and I didn't really make a connection for a long time. When I was pregnant with him I was really jealous of the other ten women in my ward that were pregnant at the same time because they all seemed so happy and excited to be pregnant and to be having a baby. All I felt was misery from being sick.

When he came I foolishly thought things would be better. I knew babies cried and I wasn't naive enough to think it would all be smooth sailing. But I was not prepared for Will. The circumstances following his birth were awful for me and everything added to make a terrible few months.

I have a confession to make. I've only confessed this to God and Mike. I didn't even write this in my journal because I didn't want to leave a paper trail. I feel I can confess it now though because it hasn't come true.

When Will was born and for those months following his birth I cried a lot worrying that I would never like him. I loved him because he was my son but I didn't like him. I was worried that would never change. He didn't seem to like me either so at least it wasn't a one-sided dislike. Some times I felt horrified at that thought. How can a mother not like her child?

I can say now that I can't imagine loving a boy more. Some times I feel Will was sent to our family for no other reason than to bring me joy. Oh how I love him. I am so thankful for the peace and kindness he has brought into our home in the last five years. I'm so excited to watch him grow and to see the man he will become (though, I don't really want him to grow at all--I just want him to stay my little boy).


Happy Birthday to my little Will boy.