A Chance to Grow
I have wanted to post quite a few times in the last few days, weeks really, about my boys. Every time I sit down to write about it I just can't; the frustration wells inside me and there is too much to say.
My mind is all clouded.
It isn't a secret that I love boys. I've touted it on this blog multiple times. I've sighed with relief when I hear the issues my friends have with their daughters--the dramatics, the cat-fights, the self-image issues (and at such young ages!).
But then there are times that I just wish...not for something I don't have...but maybe a relief from what I have. Does that make sense?
Things lately have been challenging, embarrassing, and frustrating. I struggle to know what to do to make things better. I love the energy and the loud from-the-gut laughter that emanates from their bodies. I love it. I love how full of life our house is. But it's that very thing that also creates such a need for something quiet and calm.
Before we moved to Ohio I was able to keep things under control most of the time. Things have changed. The dynamics of personalities in our home is more than I can make sense of.
The hardest part for me is knowing that I am not behaving in the way I most want to behave. I pray in the morning and I pray at night and I pray often during the day that I will be more loving and more wise in the moment, that I will be objective and and not reactive.
Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking, blessing/cursing me with these three boys so close together. I know there are pieces of my personality that need changing and perhaps these boys are the only way it will happen. Sometimes I comfort myself by saying, "God must know that you can handle them and that is why they were sent to you and not someone else."
But then, these boys need a patient, serene mom, and I am not the image of those two personality traits.
But I love them. I really, really love them.
I just ask one thing though, when you see us in public and all the chaos that follows, please don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can.
My mind is all clouded.
It isn't a secret that I love boys. I've touted it on this blog multiple times. I've sighed with relief when I hear the issues my friends have with their daughters--the dramatics, the cat-fights, the self-image issues (and at such young ages!).
But then there are times that I just wish...not for something I don't have...but maybe a relief from what I have. Does that make sense?
Things lately have been challenging, embarrassing, and frustrating. I struggle to know what to do to make things better. I love the energy and the loud from-the-gut laughter that emanates from their bodies. I love it. I love how full of life our house is. But it's that very thing that also creates such a need for something quiet and calm.
Before we moved to Ohio I was able to keep things under control most of the time. Things have changed. The dynamics of personalities in our home is more than I can make sense of.
The hardest part for me is knowing that I am not behaving in the way I most want to behave. I pray in the morning and I pray at night and I pray often during the day that I will be more loving and more wise in the moment, that I will be objective and and not reactive.
Sometimes I wonder what God was thinking, blessing/cursing me with these three boys so close together. I know there are pieces of my personality that need changing and perhaps these boys are the only way it will happen. Sometimes I comfort myself by saying, "God must know that you can handle them and that is why they were sent to you and not someone else."
But then, these boys need a patient, serene mom, and I am not the image of those two personality traits.
But I love them. I really, really love them.
I just ask one thing though, when you see us in public and all the chaos that follows, please don't judge me. I'm doing the best I can.
Comments
Everything will be okay, really!
*hugs*
I read your blog and know your kids well enough to know you've got great kids and you do an amazing job with them. Anyone that read your "Do You Think You Can Dance" blog knows that. How fun are you!? I certainly don't do cool things like that with my kids. (According to mine, I'm getting too old to be cool much longer...:( ) So just continue to do your best and don't worry what others say. (I know, sometimes that's easier said than done, but STILL!)
But, isn't life just a constant state of refinement? The refining process isn't comfortable or easy. Sure, there are times when the heat isn't so bad, and times when we catch glimpses of what we are becoming that are marvelous. But, to be in the thick of it all is sometimes overwhelming.
I've always been amazed at all that you do with your boys. And whether or not you publicly announce your love for them here, it's obvious that they feel it. I love that they can be rambunctious, inventive, curious, creative, loud and expressive. They obviously feel loved if they feel free to be all of these things. Imagine if they felt that they just had to be quiet and still all day long. How sad that would be! You are wonderful, absolutely wonderful! And the "chaos" that comes with you wherever you go is just as wonderful.