In case you think I'm going to be pregnant soon...

So, I've been thinking about something for a bit lately. This is the longest I've gone without being pregnant since I got married almost 6 years ago. It's nice, a little weird, and a little sad. Let me say the first one again. It's nice.

My mom had 11 kids; most of us are two years apart. Everyone kind of expected it and would ask her and it was annoying and rude so she eventually didn't tell her family until she was in the hospital recovering from the delivery. I know people are wondering, "when will Adrianne be pregnant again?"

I'm not sure that I should talk about family planning for a few reasons. One is that it really isn't any one's business. I don't feel that talking about it is inappropriate but because it is personal, I'm not convinced that I should. When you openly talk about something it opens the gate for people to think it is their business. So I guess what I'm saying is, even if I talk about this on my blog it still doesn't make it any one's business.

First, the timing of our children was not an accident. Yes, some people actually plan to have their children that close. If you read my blog or know me you know that baby producing isn't my favorite experience in life. My sister-in-law (two of them actually) love being pregnant and one of them has said that she never feels better than when she is pregnant. We must have VERY different experiences being pregnant because I do not feel better being pregnant. I also don't love the attention I get when I'm pregnant. It is usually focused on how gigantic I am: "You must be due any day." "Actually, I have six weeks left." "Oh, so you are having twins." Sorry, not the kind of attention that makes me feel all happy inside.

My problem is not that I don't want babies. I want them--and I would be happy to have lots of them. It's the making them and then acclimating them to their new life that is my problem. I've written about my experience after having Will here. The two babies after were not nearly as hard for me but still very hard. My symptoms of depression were not as clear as those I've heard about. There was never a point where I just couldn't get out of bed or where I thought of hurting myself.

There was ONE time when I thought about leaving Will in a bush. Should I admit that? Probably not. Mike needs to censure my words. We were at this sales pitch where we got a free dinner. Will started crying right at the beginning and I was embarrassed and upset but not surprised. I took him out to the car where everyone would stop staring at us. His cries were deafening and I was so depressed. I looked out the window and there was this bush and the thought came to me, "What if I just left him in that bush and someone found him?" And then I cried at the horror of that thought. I've never had a thought like that again.

The few months after having a baby are dark for me. So I'm afraid of having another. But I want another. I know there are more to have. I am concerned about two things: What I've written about in the above paragraphs (am I emotionally ready to repeat that again?) and that physically I am not ready. This last pregnancy wreaked havoc on my body. I am overweight and have some other health concerns. Since I have about thirty pounds I'd like to lose and I lose about a pound every few months, it might take a long time before I will even consider having another baby.

I always say, "If I thought I could mentally and physically handle having all my kids this close, I'd do it." It's true. I'd love to have them all right away and have lots of them. But we can't all have what we want. I have to admit to myself that I am not ready to have another baby and that I'm not exactly young so I probably won't have a lot of them like I would like to have. In some ways that makes me sad and in others it brings me a lot of peace.