Not a bullet-bike kind of guy

A good friend of mine recently got divorced. Her husband was a fun, charming guy. It was quite a surprise when I found out. I grew up with him and he always seemed so nice, if not a little overly-confident. Turns out he wasn't the best husband. My friend is currently dating a very nice guy. She is conflicted because of the divorce, and the differences between these two men. Reading her blog lately has really brought back memories of my dating experience. Her thoughts and feelings on her current boyfriend are very familiar to me. That and the fact that I had a dream this week about an ex-boyfriend have led me to reflect on how my life with Mike began. So, here's part of the story.

Sam was so exciting to me. He had big muscles, he owned a bullet bike, he was handsome (hazel eyes, black hair, cleft chin). He was a really hard worker. He had a contagious laugh. He was confident (egotistical, really). I liked him almost immediately. We became friends and then best friends. He was my first kiss. He was the first guy ever to hold my hand. I was giggly and excited to see him. He was confused. Our friendship was something I don't think he had experienced before but he wasn't ready to commit to me. I was OK with him dating other girls but I wasn't OK with him kissing me and dating other girls. He hurt me quite often. I don't think he meant to hurt me. He just could not feel right about things. I think he was afraid to commit and afraid to lose my friendship. I loved him. We talked about marriage. I was sure that things would work out if he just committed. He kept me dangling, making me believe he loved me and then he would turn around and get some other girl's number. We fought a lot but only about "us." My friends and family tried to convince me to look for something better but I felt if his fear were eliminated, everything would be perfect. Finally, we broke up. He started dating someone else and I started dating someone else.

He would still call me and come see me sometimes. He bought me gifts on my birthday after he dropped off his girlfriend for the night. He would tell me that he still thought about dating me. I knew, and he knew things weren't going to work between us anymore but I think we both secretly wanted it to.

I was so emotionally drained by the time we broke up that when I started dating my second boyfriend I was a mess. Things didn't go well that time either. He had been a really good friend and we laughed all the time. When we started dating things got weird. I'm not sure why. He was confused and I was still mending a broken heart.

I was pathetic, really. I had no self-confidence. I could not understand why someone would date me. I did not know how to set boundaries, I shared too much of my self, and I allowed myself to be used (though I believe neither intended for it to be that way). I was so uncertain about myself and what I deserved and wanted that I know it played a large part in the failure of both relationships. I have some regrets but I'm thankful I dated both those men. Whatever happened with them when we were dating hasn't taken away my sincere desire for them to have wonderful lives. They were both really good friends to me and the main regret I have is that those friendships ended, but you can't be friends very easily after you've dated someone. I don't have bad feelings for either and only wish I had treated them both better.

After these two experiences it became clear to me that if I was going to have a good relationship with someone I needed to figure things out. It was a really good, healthy time for me. Then I met Mike. He was a pretty good mix of the other two. I wasn't initially attracted to him; I thought he was a geek. There was one experience that peaked my interest. I had a friend that was suicidal. She didn't like people and had a "hate list" and a "loyalty list." She was not nice to people so when she talked nicely about people it was a big deal. She really liked Mike. She used to tell me to date him all the time. I only knew who he was but hadn't hung out with him or anything. She came home and told me this guy Mike stood next to her at a ward FHE and he was really cool. I wondered what he had done to get into her good graces. Turns out he was just accepting of her, spoke kindly to her, and stayed by her the entire night while everyone else stayed away.

When we started dating I wasn't very sure about him. I was scared to date him and didn't really think it would work out. I had a very strong impression that I was supposed to continue dating him and that I should be perfectly open and honest with him about how I was feeling along the way. He was also very honest with me and it was really refreshing. He wasn't sure about our relationship either but he was willing to give it his all until he knew one way or the other.

My mom asked me what he looked like and there wasn't anything really outstanding to tell her. He wasn't a great dresser, he wasn't drop dead gorgeous (he says, "I am too!"), he wasn't really tall (in my family 6 feet isn't that tall). I told her he had "kind eyes." Somehow that was the perfect description of him. His eyes described his whole being. He was so kind and wonderful.

We used to eat together at dinner almost every night. He would help me cook. I wasn't a very good cook at the time but I think he appreciated anything other than Ramon. One day I came home to find a note and a gift on the table. The note said something like, "I noticed you don't have a parring knife and thought it might make preparing dinner easier." I remember thinking, "This must be one of the strangest but sweetest gifts I've ever gotten from a guy." It just showed me that he thought about the little things. He didn't need to buy me flowers just think about me. It showed me that he looked forward to eating with me. In reality, he was tired of cooking at my apartment without a knife but it spoke volumes to me. He still cooks with me all the time and I love finding new meals to share with him. Now, I need to get him to buy me more romantic things!

When I was diagnosed with a math/language disability I was devastated and embarrassed. We had talked about marriage, briefly by this time. I remember coming home and crying and being so worried to tell him. I was concerned that he wouldn't want to marry me or be with me anymore because I was dumb. How could someone that understood differential equations possibly want to marry someone who couldn't even understand Algebra? Wouldn't he be worried our kids would inherit my brains instead of his? Mike listened and let me cry and told me that I wasn't dumb. He didn't tell me I was being "silly" like Sam would have. He didn't treat me like I couldn't understand anything intellectual and therefore, only talk to my roommate Nikki like Dan would have. He told me I was smart and he always has treated me that way, like an equal. His ego was healthy enough to believe that his kids would inherit his brains.

I wonder all the time how our relationship came to be what it is. It is so healthy. Mike is so unselfish. He is so involved. He is so committed to "us." He is so willing to do things for me that are not natural for him. He has never yelled at me (he's gotten close) in five and a half years of marriage. He is almost always the first to apologize. I did not picture marriage like this. I never pictured it so well.

So, to my friend, I just want to say that it might not work the same way for you. In the end you might choose someone else. Only you and God can know for sure what is right for you. But I do want to say that it worked for me. I chose the man that wasn't as exciting to me or funny to me or charming. But my life is happier with him than it would be if I had chosen differently.