I'm grateful for eternal families

Tonight I am feeling lonely, for family really. Mike left today so I'm sure that has something to do with it. The boys are in bed and Diamond is sleeping on the floor next to me. It's quiet and peaceful. One of my favorite parts of the day, and I'm sure one of Mike's least favorite, is when we go get ready for bed. I talk his ear off and he pretends to be interested in what I have to say although, he gets this glazed look in his eyes that tells me his eyes are opened but he's really asleep. Anyway, I love that there have only been a few nights when we have both been home and not gone to sleep at the same time. I mean, gone to bed at the same time because Mike is usually asleep long before I am. But, this post isn't about Mike or about our sleeping habits. I'm just thinking about my family tonight.

When Isaac was born my mom came out to see us in Oklahoma. We have been really blessed to get visits from Mike's family while we've been in Oklahoma. But my mom is the only one that has been able to come see us from my family. It was such a wonderful thing for me to have my mom here and to share my boys with her. We moved when Will was only three months so my family hasn't really gotten to know him very well. They have only met Isaac once. Anyway, I loved watching my mom and Will interact and seeing her hold my new baby. I sat next to her at the kitchen table while she sewed curtains for Will's room. I wanted her to see me as a wife and mother, for her to see me in my domain, if that makes sense. When we took her to the airport she held Will and cried that she had to say goodbye because she didn't know when she'd see him again. I remember having this strange feeling of loneliness the next day and I realized that when she left things felt empty for me. I missed my family so much.


Most of the time it is just normal to be away. I talk to my mom and sister on the phone, I instant message Lindsey in Germany and we compare notes about our crazy almost two year olds and our babies that are only a month apart. I write in my blog all the time so my family can get to know my boys even if they have only seen them a few times in the last three years. I knew when Mike joined the Air Force that this what going to be our life. I knew that we would move and I knew that my family didn't have the money to come see us and we would have to save our money to go see them. Usually it's enough to talk to them online, on the phone, or blog. But sometimes I feel really lonely for them.

My dad has terrible health. We were in Utah last summer and when we left to come back to Oklahoma everyone had already gone to school or work and it was just my dad there to see us off. He stood on the porch and we waved to him and I just sobbed. I told Mike that I wasn't sure if I'd ever see him again. That is so terrible really. I didn't really know my grandparents and I hate the thought that my children might not know theirs very well either. Sometimes we get phone calls really late at night and it always scares me that it is someone calling to tell me that my dad passed away.

I think the thing that really prompted this post is that tomorrow my brother Ammon is having major surgery. Tonight my mom called and told me that all my brothers that live in Utah and my dad gave my brother Ammon a blessing. Then my brothers gave my mom and dad a blessing. Ammon told my mom he was really scared. In the blessing my dad told Ammon that his mission on earth wasn't completed yet. I wish I could have been there to see my brothers use their priesthood and to listen to my dad give a blessing again.

I have too many memories to write about concerning Ammon and the surgeries he's had to go through. I remember one night saying family prayer and mom noticed after the prayer that fluid was coming out of his head because his shunt was malfunctioning. I remember watching mom have to put the feeding tube back in his nose and down his throat. I can't even imagine the horror of being a mom and having to do that. I remember one morning waking up really early to get everyone breakfast and to school because mom and dad were at Primary Children's Hospital with Ammon. I just remember feeling stressed out. Then there was the time that I was babysitting and my brother David did something to make me really mad and I slapped him. I was so surprised that I did it that I immediately told him I was sorry and started crying. I wrote in my journal later that I would never be as good a mom as she was/is.

There was one night that I will never forget. Ammon went in for surgery and he was in the NICU. I went with my brother Jess and my dad (I'm not sure if anyone else was there or not) to the hospital for a visit. When we got to the NICU floor my mom came rushing towards us told us that Ammon had almost died. I don't remember all the details...did he stop breathing? I just remember her saying that the nurses started yelling, "Code blue!" and she was rushed out of the room while doctors and nurses ran into revive him. We all went into a private room and knelt down and prayed together that he would survive. That is a very vivid picture in my mind. I can remember the little cot and tiny little room and the look on my mom's face. I was afraid then and I can't remember if I knew he'd be ok or not, but I think I did.

Tomorrow he goes in for an extremely difficult and painful surgery. We fasted as a family for him today. We also fasted that mom and dad would be comforted. I feel very peaceful. I know he will be ok. But I also feel very sad that I won't be there. I'm a little jealous of my sisters and sister-in-laws and brothers that they will be there to see him when he comes out. They will get to be there to show him how much we all love him. We each made quilt squares and then the squares were made into this great quilt for him. I am sad I didn't get to be there to see his face when he received the quilt. I'm just sad I won't be there to cry with my mom or to visit him when he is bored from being stuck in the hospital for so long.

These are the reasons I feel lonely for my family tonight. Family is everything to me. What would I feel if I got a call tonight saying that my dad died, or that Ammon didn't make it through the surgery tomorrow and I didn't believe families were forever? What would that grief feel like? I'm pretty sure I would feel an overwhelming sense of grief even though I do believe in eternal families. But if I didn't....

I do believe in eternal families though. I believe there is a plan for each of us. I know that being away from my family right now is only temporary and that I can move across the earth and I'll still have them and that if one of us dies (and we all eventually will of course) I will be with them again.