I am afraid that my last post might have slightly hit a bad chord with my friend Jane. I got to thinking about her comment on measuring my worth as a mother by milestones and thought I maybe didn't communicate my feelings quite right. I began thinking about some other mothers I admire and love and would hate for them to think that I was saying they weren't a very good mom if/because their children weren't doing what mine were. So, I think just to be safe, I'll expound on my thoughts.
First, I will admit that part of my breakdown was related to the amount of time I "get" to spend with my boys. There seems to be a trend in our house that the arrival of a new body means more demands on Mike's time, suddenly everyone thinks they need more of him than they did previously. I'm not sure why it happens but it has happened with each of the other births and is starting to happen now.
A few weeks ago I was driving to the church with the boys on Wed. night for something Primary related. The boys were laughing in the back and it had been a hard day for me. I looked back at the boys and thought, "Heavenly Father must have known I was going to be hanging out with my kids a lot so he sent me little spirits I would adore and consider my little friends. Otherwise, I'd go crazy with all this quality time I get to spend with these boys." In no way am I comparing myself to my friends here in OK who's husbands are in demanding programs at the college here, or my sister Lindsey who's husband is on his second tour in Iraq for 15 months (and she just had a newborn without him and has a 17 month old!), or my sister Chelsey or sister-in-law Mandy who's husbands have very demanding jobs right now.
My interactions with other women involve playgroups, which of course my children are always present for. The second I shut my door to take a shower Isaac is laying on the floor crying and sticking his fingers under the crack of the door, or trying to open the door. Good grief, can't a girl be away from her children for 15 minutes to take a shower?
How does this relate to milestones and my realization that I was a good mom? I taught at Headstart for awhile before I had children. Part of our job consisted of giving the kids tests in social, self-help, language, math, fine motor and gross motor areas. There were things the kids were "supposed" to be doing by three and four years that I never in a million years would have thought to do with my own kids. It was pretty obvious which kids had moms and dads that took an active part in their kid's learning and which kids did not. Some kids were naturally bright and good in some areas and some that struggled in others. But overall, you could pretty well tell which ones had involved parents.
I realized after reading the book that part of the reason my kids do what they do is because of the time I spend with them. I throw balls with them, I read to them everyday, I find opportunities for them to play with other kids, etc. I'm not spending my time watching soaps all day, reading great books, surfing the web, shopping, etc. I do get to do some of those things (except the soaps...I don't usually get a chance to watch anything until they are in bed), but most of my time is spent with the boys. Generally, it isn't a problem for me but in my hormonal, pregnant stage, it just seemed a bit overwhelming when I thought of the further demands on my time with the arrival of another beautiful boy.
I wrote the post as a way to help me see that all the time I "get" to spend with my boys isn't all that bad. I needed to be reminded that I might not feel like the most patient mom right now but that I spend time with my boys and that they are learning and growing.
Now, do I place my worth on their milestones? Absolutely not. If I did I would essentially be telling my mom and some of my other dear friends whose children can't do certain things right now that they are bad moms. I would be telling my mom that because Ammon doesn't walk or because I have a math and language disability that she is a failure as a mom or a friend of mine that because her son is getting help from Kids Who Count that she is a bad mom. Or another friend whose boy can't talk yet, that she is a terrible mom.
I OBVIOUSLY don't believe milestones show your worth. I do think it's ok to find joy in the things your kids are succeeding in. I know that my mom was over-joyed when I got to graduate college despite my disability and that each "milestone" Ammon accomplished was a source of happiness for her. So, I am sorry if my post was offensive (hopefully not) but I am happy to know that my boys are in fact smart, healthy, capable boys...and I am going to continue to believe that part of the reason is because of my involvement in their lives.
First, I will admit that part of my breakdown was related to the amount of time I "get" to spend with my boys. There seems to be a trend in our house that the arrival of a new body means more demands on Mike's time, suddenly everyone thinks they need more of him than they did previously. I'm not sure why it happens but it has happened with each of the other births and is starting to happen now.
A few weeks ago I was driving to the church with the boys on Wed. night for something Primary related. The boys were laughing in the back and it had been a hard day for me. I looked back at the boys and thought, "Heavenly Father must have known I was going to be hanging out with my kids a lot so he sent me little spirits I would adore and consider my little friends. Otherwise, I'd go crazy with all this quality time I get to spend with these boys." In no way am I comparing myself to my friends here in OK who's husbands are in demanding programs at the college here, or my sister Lindsey who's husband is on his second tour in Iraq for 15 months (and she just had a newborn without him and has a 17 month old!), or my sister Chelsey or sister-in-law Mandy who's husbands have very demanding jobs right now.
My interactions with other women involve playgroups, which of course my children are always present for. The second I shut my door to take a shower Isaac is laying on the floor crying and sticking his fingers under the crack of the door, or trying to open the door. Good grief, can't a girl be away from her children for 15 minutes to take a shower?
How does this relate to milestones and my realization that I was a good mom? I taught at Headstart for awhile before I had children. Part of our job consisted of giving the kids tests in social, self-help, language, math, fine motor and gross motor areas. There were things the kids were "supposed" to be doing by three and four years that I never in a million years would have thought to do with my own kids. It was pretty obvious which kids had moms and dads that took an active part in their kid's learning and which kids did not. Some kids were naturally bright and good in some areas and some that struggled in others. But overall, you could pretty well tell which ones had involved parents.
I realized after reading the book that part of the reason my kids do what they do is because of the time I spend with them. I throw balls with them, I read to them everyday, I find opportunities for them to play with other kids, etc. I'm not spending my time watching soaps all day, reading great books, surfing the web, shopping, etc. I do get to do some of those things (except the soaps...I don't usually get a chance to watch anything until they are in bed), but most of my time is spent with the boys. Generally, it isn't a problem for me but in my hormonal, pregnant stage, it just seemed a bit overwhelming when I thought of the further demands on my time with the arrival of another beautiful boy.
I wrote the post as a way to help me see that all the time I "get" to spend with my boys isn't all that bad. I needed to be reminded that I might not feel like the most patient mom right now but that I spend time with my boys and that they are learning and growing.
Now, do I place my worth on their milestones? Absolutely not. If I did I would essentially be telling my mom and some of my other dear friends whose children can't do certain things right now that they are bad moms. I would be telling my mom that because Ammon doesn't walk or because I have a math and language disability that she is a failure as a mom or a friend of mine that because her son is getting help from Kids Who Count that she is a bad mom. Or another friend whose boy can't talk yet, that she is a terrible mom.
I OBVIOUSLY don't believe milestones show your worth. I do think it's ok to find joy in the things your kids are succeeding in. I know that my mom was over-joyed when I got to graduate college despite my disability and that each "milestone" Ammon accomplished was a source of happiness for her. So, I am sorry if my post was offensive (hopefully not) but I am happy to know that my boys are in fact smart, healthy, capable boys...and I am going to continue to believe that part of the reason is because of my involvement in their lives.
Comments
I hope I didn't offend you with my comment. I could (and too often do) argue with just about anything.
But I can't totally say I'm sorry, because I'm happy to read this post too, which might not have happened otherwise(?), so, hmmm.
I think we should totally take all the credit for everything good our kids (can) do. But then what do we say about the things they can't do (yet) (or the occasional naughty things they do do -- maybe your boys are too young for this?)?
I am sure of one thing, and that is that it certainly is Heavenly Father's plan for us to have children, because there are so many things I would never have had to learn or think about without them.
I think you're a great mom. I really mean that. Marcy and I talk about you sometimes, so I feel like I know a little more about you than I would just being a random person. And I think you're great.
I was telling Marcy just this weekend that I would read your blog even if I didn't have this tenuous "real life" tie to you (unlike some of our extended family members we were discussing, who I would not read if I wasn't actually related to them).
Pregnancy is so not fun, and being a mom is not always fun either. I like reading you because you are open and honest about these things AND faithful and trying to be better all the time. Gives me hope!
Also, something I think about often is the fact that there is a good chance that I could have a child born with a number of different developmental disabilities. I can't imagine how hard that would be but I am sure I will be just as proud of that baby as I would my others.
I'm glad you read my blog! Marcy always talked about you when we were in high school and college so I also feel like I know you a little more than just reading your blog. I read your blog all the the time and think you are hilarious and honest and I love that. I make Mike read some of your posts too because they are so insightful and funny. Anyway, no offense on my side, just wanted to clarify what I thought.
I'm probably one of the moms you were worried that you offended. I'm not, just in case you were wondering. :)
To be totally honest, it does hurt a little to see other kids Charlie's age or younger doing so much more and talking so much better. However, I like to be a part of the joy their mothers feel as their kids do so well in so many things. In no way do I want or expect other moms to not talk about the things their kids do that they are proud about or excited about just because Charlie isn't there yet.
Most of my friends join right in and get excited with me when C says a new word or learns something new even if it's something he should have been doing a long time ago and that their much younger kids have been doing for months.
We're all here to support each other and share in each other's happiness and grief, right?
I agree that you can see a difference in kids who have mothers/fathers who spend time with them and try to teach them. It is something for a parent to be proud of when they have worked with their child and they see success. I think you are a good Mom (and friend!) and you have every right to feel good about the time you've spent working with your kids and how smart they are.
Have I rambled on enough?! Just wanted to let you know I took no offense and I'm glad to have your friendship and example. Keep up the good work!
Not like you have a million other things to do, right?
Hope you're feeling well.