I went to therapy on Wednesday. The entire purpose of therapy this go around was to find someone who was certified in EMDR because I would really like to process some of the experiences I've had and eliminate the strong feelings that are still associated with those experiences. I've been going for awhile and the therapist said that before we get to the actual work of EMDR, I needed to get all the traumatic experiences out into the open so that when we do it, nothing will come out and catch me off guard. So, for months, I've been going, talking about junk, and then leaving feeling emotionally spent, with the hope that eventually, it will all be for a purpose and worth the time and emotions spent. We finally got to current time--I got it all out--and she ended the session by telling me that she was sorry because she was leaving the practice. She didn't know where she was going next, was hoping to open her own clinic but that was going to take months to plan and figure out. She said she would transfer her notes to another therapist at the clinic, but on further pressing, she admitted that there were only two other therapists, one that mostly saw children, and one that was only telehealth and she wasn't sure if either were certified in EMDR.
I responded very maturely and calmly but once in the car I started crying and cried for a large part of the way home. I'm not going to rehash all the junk again. It was only worth it to me because there was a promise of progress. Now, all those months of talking about sad and difficult things has only been that--talking. No processing, no tool-building, no funky "bilateral stimulation ". I literally feel like I just wasted a year of my time. I was angry and discouraged.
I had my MRV--the MRI that checks the blood vessels last night. It was at 10:00 PM but I didn't have to wait for anything and I was home in a little over an hour. Ear plugs, "salon music", and a little patch of lavender on my gown made me feel calm. The results came back this morning. I won't talk to the neurosurgeon until February so all I have to go by is what the radiologists notes said, interpreted by Chat, of course.
No blockages. No aneurysms. No apparent flow problems. (All a relief)
There is, however, what looks like a teeny-tiny brain tumor, most likely benign and slow growing. I'm not concerned because it's tiny and and probably not cancerous and if it becomes a problem, that will be for future worry, not for now. I am, however, thinking that it seems a tad ironic that instead of showing a clear path for resolution to any of the problems I'm being sent to the neurosurgeon to begin with, I now have a new annoyance.
I guess what I really wish was that someone could say to me, "Yes, I see the problem. I can take care of that for you." The only time I've heard that recently is when the ENT wanted to give me a nose job.
Hopefully I'm not just wasting all my time seeking answers that aren't actually available.
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