Enoshima, charging the van, and changing

Mike was gone for two weeks.  He had back-to-back business trips, one of which he was in charge of and had to plan while in Tokyo, coordinate with his Korean counterparts, and organize the setup to be held in D.C.  He's been planning it for a year and I know he's relieved to be done with it.  The second trip was in New York and he had to present all the quantum physics portfolios he manages.  While gone he was able to go out to dinner with my sister and her husband and see his own sister and her family.  His flight home got canceled because of bad weather in Denver and the soonest he could get back was July 4th.  We were both really bummed.  Of course we've done longer trips and this was just temporary but we were still bummed.  I went to bed and woke up the next morning to discover that Mike had randomly found another flight home that wasn't previously available and he was able to come home Sunday, just one day late.  It was a long, long travel day--something like 30 hours.  

Meanwhile, we did fine at home.  Eli had been having headaches for weeks and I had to take him to the doctor twice for them but we were finally able to get him some medicine that seems to have worked to knock the headaches out.  We are hoping they don't come back.  On the first visit to the doctor, we left with enough time for me to drive him only to discover the van wouldn't start.  A few days before Mike had driven the YM home from YM's camp and a light had been left on.  I didn't have time to figure out how I was going to charge the battery and normally I would have felt somewhat frantic but I just thought, "flag a taxi and deal with this later." So I did just that.  We flagged down a taxi, got to our appointment on time and then took a train home.  Once home, I went straight to the van and searched for some jumper cables.  I discovered that Mike had purchased a portable charger for a situation like this.  It had never been used and admittedly, I'd never had to jump the battery before because Mike has always been home when it needed to be done.  I have seen it done before, just never done it by myself.  Anyway, it was super simple and thankfully the van started.  I knew from past experiences when our battery needed charging that I should let the van run for 30 minutes so I sat in the van and proudly celebrated my accomplishment.  

Here's the deal...

(I say that to Mike a lot)

I'm growing and changing. As I said, a situation like this would have normally made me feel frantic.  My mind would suddenly overflow with all the thoughts, "I have to get Eli to the doctor.  If I had known this was going to happen I would have made us walk the whole way or walk to the train station.  Now we don't have time and we will be late.  I don't know how to start the van.  Mike is asleep.  What if it isn't the battery?  Which of my neighbors has a vehicle and would be willing to help jump start my van? Are any of my neighbors even home?"  And, And, And.

Instead, I just decided to flag down a taxi and deal with the other parts later, when the problem at hand (Eli's appointment) was taken care of.  When I got home, I had no idea that I'd be able to solve the problem because I assumed it was the battery but didn't really know.  I just decided to give it my best attempt and trust that what I know, what Google knows, and what God knows, would help me figure it out.  Anxiety sometimes makes it so that when the questions crowd into my brain I have a hard time pausing them long enough to say, "You have all the tools. Trust yourself."  This time I did that and it didn't feel scary or overwhelming.  

The second proof of growth is that I, mostly spontaneously, decided to take the kids to Enoshima by myself.  I would not have considered doing that two years ago.  One day I woke up and decided we should get out of the house and asked the kids if they wanted to go the next day.  They said yes and instead of overthinking and worrying, I just made it happen.  I packed us snacks, made sure we had enough Pasmo cards, got them all charged at the train station, and we took three different trains over an hour and 45 mins (standing for most of it) and spent the day exploring the island.  We bought tickets to the garden and overlook and then we hiked down the stairs to the tide pools and purchased tickets to the cave.  After hiking back up the stairs, we took a break for ice cream and and drinks and then we headed back to the train station--three more trains (mostly sitting this time), followed by a twenty minute walk home.  We did a long day adventure together successfully when previously I would have not entertained the idea because all the moving parts would have been too stressful for me.

I know what it must seem like to read this.  

I charged a car battery.  So?

I went on an adventure with the kids.  So?

Things that are basic made into a dramatic display of accomplishment.  I know.  It's a little embarrassing to open up about the process my mind goes through as it works through what, for me, sets off alarms in my mind and body. I'm learning to trust myself and be okay with the alarms going off and then learning how to turn them off.  And, I'm thankful that I didn't miss an opportunity to experience something with the kids because I was nervous about it and that I live in a city where there are lots of feasible options for getting around (taxi, walking, trains, buses, driving).