Life, currently

 I started physical therapy last week.  Today was my second appointment.  I only have ten appointments and so far, they have spent the last two appointments trying to figure out what is wrong with my back.  One time, they pushed really hard on the painful spot, almost like doing CRP, and a completely different spot on my back started hurting.  Then, they started pushing on that spot and suddenly I had shooting pain in my neck and shoulder.  The therapist said, "You didn't tell me you had neck problems" and I said, "That's because it wasn't having neck problems!"  My neck hurt for the next week.  The therapist I saw last week moved so I have a new therapist.  He thinks that a lot of the pain in my hips and back are actually from my knee and all the years of overcompensating.  He thinks the tendons in my hips are overworked and that I need to work more on building strength in the leg with my injured knee from nine years ago.  He also thinks that the pain could be compounded by years of stress and that my body is telling me that it is tired.  I don't know what I can do about that.  Anyway, I left feeling both hopeful and discouraged.  I have been feeling really good about my knee and the improvements I've seen over the last four or five years so to have him say that it's probably my knee causing all this other pain is a little disheartening.  I feel hopeful that we can find the problem and fix it.  I want to be healthy and pain free.  

I kind of left a cliff hanger about my eyes.  I was encouraged by my mom to ask my family to fast for me and I felt embarrassed and awkward asking for that but as I considered it, I thought, "What if God wants to heal your eyes and He just needs you to ask?"  It would be sad to discover that my inability to humble myself and ask for help was keeping me from being healed.  I haven't actually asked for a blessing on my eyes yet, because I had just gotten a blessing on my back, but I did ask for prayers and fasting and I appreciated that so many of my family responded.  My brother also put my name on the prayer roll and it came from a brother who has said that he isn't very good at praying for people so it meant even more to me coming from him.  

The active period for the progression of the eye disease is supposed to last for 6 months to a few years so I am not sure that I will know if/how the fasting worked but I have faith that it will and if my eyes aren't healed, I have faith that I will have all I need to learn to live with it.  For now, I think they might be slightly better.  I cut an onion this week and while my eyes stung, they barely even teared up.  That's a pretty small example but for the last six months, I haven't been able to cut into an onion without looking like I'm sobbing over a puppy dying or something.  I did look like I was sobbing by the time I reached the physical therapist today but it was cold and windy outside so I'm sure that was part of it.  

Shifting gears, 

The kids are into their second week of distance learning.  The school is still planning on going back to person next week but are keeping the door open for continuing distance learning.  It is going really well.  I think homeschool and our experience with online school last year has prepared us.  I thought I'd need to sit by Piper and that it was going to be a headache but honestly, she barely even asks me for anything.  The kids miss their friends but none of us are sad about sleeping in longer or about not having two hours on the bus added to our day.  The older two boys still have seminary but they go back to sleep after until school starts.  

I have been feeling down this past week.  I'm not exactly sure why, just still adjusting I guess.  I feel lonely, I think.  Not necessarily lonely for interactions, but lonely for friends with depth to the relationship already, if that makes sense.  We went to someone's house for FHE and it was so pleasant and made me remember what it felt like to have actual friends who know things about your life and are interested in the details.  Then, this week, I was invited to lunch with someone so I went and had a lovely time getting to know her.  On the way to meet her I was fighting tears thinking about life here and then having lunch was so good for me and on the way home I felt so happy about making a friend.  Then, I walked into the apartment and Mike read me a letter that said all Armed Forces in Japan were put on lockdown for (at least) the next to weeks.  We can leave for essential things like groceries, doctors, exercise, and school for the kids, but we are not allowed to do anything fun.  I had to cancel a playdate for Felicity and cancel her ballet classes.  Mike had to cancel YM's and we can't go sightseeing this weekend like I was hoping (he has the day off on Friday too).  I briefly felt like all the things that are making living here positive, were being taken away.  Now, I just keep telling myself that it's only two weeks (fingers crossed!) and won't be that bad.  It is mainly just disappointing to take positive steps forward towards adjusting and then, take a few steps back.  

One day, I will find my way here, I'm just not there yet.