Learning how to be healthier

The day I walked into the hospital to have Eli I weighed 196 lbs, which is a few pounds lighter than when I went in with Isaac.

It may seem weird to you for me to admit that on this very public blog. It is embarrassing, that's for sure. But, I feel like I need to write it out, and remember just how gigantic I was.

Granted, I was pregnant, and pregnant ladies need a little bit of a break. And, I had three babies in three years, which should also warrant a little break.

But still, I was almost 200 lbs. That's a lot of weight. I fit into a 16 right after I had him.

I was so obsessed about my weight I don't know if I talked about anything else. I cried about it so many times I think I could fill a pool up, or maybe an ocean.

When I was pregnant, I had this conversation with someone, "You are due any day aren't you?" "Actually, no. I still have six more weeks." "Oh, my gosh. Are you having twins?"

I told myself it was ok because I was pregnant and those conversations would end once Eli came. But then, month after month I'd be asked when I was due...and there was my baby, sitting in the car seat next to me. The last time someone asked me if I was pregnant, when I wasn't, was in May, about a week after we moved here.

One day, I felt so obsessed and depressed about my weight. I felt no peace. I needed to recharge and remember who I was and that it was OK to be me. I decided to go to the temple. I waited in line to go into the room and this sweet lady said something to me about being at the temple and how I should really take advantage of the time I was there because it would be awhile before I would be able to come back.

I was confused.

And then it hit me. She thought I was pregnant. I was humiliated. I smiled and didn't want to correct her because there were a lot of people standing around and I didn't want either of us to be more embarrassed than we had to.

When we got into the room, I looked up to see her come right towards me and I groaned inside knowing she was going to sit by me and ask more questions. I briefly thought that maybe I'd just lie and tell her some due date. But, of course, lying isn't exactly the best thing to do in the temple, and I'm not a liar anyway. When she asked when I was due, I just said, "Actually, I'm not."

Oh the look of horror on her face when she realized what she had done....

I felt so bad for her and I almost started laughing. This was why I had gone to the temple after all and ironically enough, here I was being confronted with it again.

It's been about eight or nine months since then and there have been some big changes, or I guess I should say little. I have been getting smaller. Ha, Ha. That was funny, right? Ok, moving on. Thankfully, I am almost 45 lbs lighter and for health purposes, I'd like to be about 10 to 15 lbs lighter.

When I was a size 4 I used to compare my body to other bodies and wish for smaller thighs. I couldn't imagine wearing a size 8. Now, when I put on my size 8 pants I am satisfied and happy and believe I would be perfectly happy to stay in my size 8 pants. I feel so happy with my healthier life. I wish I had found more happiness in who I was but I also believe with all my heart that God wants us to be healthy. He wants us to take care of our bodies. What that looks like is different for each person. I will never be a size 4 at 120 lbs. It just won't happen. I will probably always have to exercise 5 times a week for 45 minutes. I will most likely always have to count my calories. I will always worry about diabetes. I will also most likely put a good amount of this weight on again when I get pregnant. But now I know a little more about what my body requires to lose the weight again. And hopefully, it won't take me so long and I won't cry so many tears.

Now, if only I could get rid of my grey hair, zits, stretch marks, and have a tummy tuck. Then I'd be happy...(kidding)


Before: Probably one of the worse pictures of me ever taken.



After: Nice that I'm holding a pan of candy...