Ironically, October is miscarriage and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I was pregnant.

But now I'm not.

The pregnancy was a surprise but not unwanted necessarily.  After much prayer and discussion we had concluded that we were done.  It was a difficult decision for us to make but one we felt peaceful about.  When I got pregnant (on my period) we assumed it was the Lord's way of telling us that we had made the wrong decision.  

After the shock wore off and we made some adjustments to our plans and thinking, we felt peaceful about the new development in our lives.  I'm not going to sit here and lie and say that I was easily won over by the idea.  I cried a lot when I found out I was pregnant but later, I found joy in the thought that Piper would have a sibling closer to her in age and that perhaps she would have a sister now to share a room with and share secrets with.  I also considered how much happiness my children bring me and how much I have always wanted a large family and I felt like those desires were being met.  I had a hope that this pregnancy would be the first to go smoothly with no problems and that this baby would be different than the other five and come to this earth happy and chill.  I envisioned ending this season of my life on a high note, with a chance to really embrace this pregnancy and infant stage.

I discovered things weren't going well a few weeks ago.  There were a lot of prayers and a lot of faith and hope for a miracle.  Eli, who has never fasted before, (my kids don't fast until they turn 8) came to me on Fast Sunday and told me that he was fasting for his first time for me and the baby.  Things would look bad and then start to look better and then look bad again and then look up again and over and over our emotions would go from hopeful to realistic.  

Finally they called me in for an ultrasound to figure out what exactly was going on.  I was 11 weeks but the baby hadn't grown.  The gestational sac was only measuring 7 weeks and the baby was only 5 weeks.  It appeared pretty bleak and certain but miraculously my levels increased suddenly.  The boys let out whoops and hollars when they heard the news and I tried not to be too hopeful.  

The bleeding started later that day.

On Tuesday I miscarried the baby. I was 12 weeks.

I am confused.  I am angry.  I am hurt.  I am tired.  I am withdrawn and depressed.  

I can't help but remember part of the reason I decided not to have more kids.  The truth is, I don't handle pregnancy well.  Something always goes wrong.  I'm overweight and even when I try to lose weight, I can't seem to master my body and my eating.  Emotionally, I don't know that I can handle another pregnancy and another screaming baby.  My kids are getting older.  Piper is turning 3. She is almost potty-trained and starting over again would be difficult for me.  

There is a hole in our family left by Laila's death and that hole is so noticeable at times and sometimes I think having another baby will feel more complete but then I realize that having another baby won't fill the hole.  It will always remain.  

I don't trust my ability to make decisions or hear the answers.  I thought we had made the right decision even if it meant giving up some of my wishes and desires.  But I felt like I had chosen the best path forward.  And then I got pregnant and all the wishes and desires I had given up came back.  And also, my body doesn't like pregnancy.  I can't help but look forward with anticipation to the day when I am not bleeding anymore, where the hormones are normal again and the tears stop.  I am excited to be able to work on my physical goals again.  I am excited to not be so tired and emotionally and physically depleted.  

So here I am at a cross roads.  I don't want to be pregnant again.  I honestly don't think I am courageous enough to have another.  2 miscarriages and an infant death is a lot of loss and I feel sick of dealing with the grief.  And also, I had finally just accepted the way my body works and the way our family looked.  I made peace with my four healthy, beautiful children.  When I had the miscarriage my sister sent my family pizza.  She lives in Utah and I live in Tennessee.  She said she couldn't physically be here so this is something she could do for me.  I cried out of appreciation for a sister who loves me and I cried even more that Piper wouldn't have a sister send her pizza when she miscarries.  But then a couple of days my sister-in-law sent me an edible fruit basket and I realized that Piper would have sister-in-laws who love her and that is a special relationship too and that I could foster close relationships with her and her brothers.  

There are so many feelings and emotions that I can't make sense of.

And then I read this from one of my favorite Richard G. Scott talks:

Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.

So that is what I'm going to do.  I'm just going to let it rest with the Lord for now.  I realize that I am not in a place where I can figure out my feelings and desires.  Maybe later when I am more settled I'll be more open to promptings and guidance but for now, I think I just need to put my head down and get busy with something else.  I can't understand the purpose for this experience right now and until I do, I'm not sure that I can clearly understand what I'm supposed to do moving forward.  So for now, I'm going to try and put this away and focus on homeschooling and being healthy.  I'm going to get my house a little cleaner and give Piper more attention (she is feeling neglected) and work on the business.