Richards Family

Busy

2012-01-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

This is one of those posts where I just throw out random things for consideration.

1. Our basement is coming right along. There have been lots of requests for pictures. Mike doesn't want to post pictures until it's completed. It's going fast. We have the walls up and painted, the trim and doors up in and the bathroom floor down. Next comes the tile around the bathtub and the carpet (which should come this week). Mike and I spent all of last Friday night and all of Saturday working on the trim and doors and then Mike did more Monday and Tuesday night. He did a great job on it. He also spent yesterday working on the bathroom floor. I think it's good for us to have projects to keep our minds busy and happy.

2. Will is a crafting machine. He wakes up, goes to the bathroom and goes to the craft room where he starts some new craft for his brothers. He made this adorable caterpillar. It's really cute because he just opens up this little craft book I have and then goes around the house collecting what he needs. In other Will news he just started reading Harry Potter, which is exciting to me that he is interested in reading books I love. Also, he continues to amaze me. I went into his room the other night to find him reading the scripture story readers. He asked if he could take them on the bus to read and then came home and told me he had read all four--three in one week! He is disappointed that there aren't more to read.

3. Isaac is doing really well. He loves school and is always happy when I pick him up, which is quite different than Will's kindergarten experience. He wishes his school had buses though because he wants to ride the bus so badly. His schooling is much harder than Will's. He has a spelling test and phonogram test and at the start of January his spelling tests included the phonogram symbols (if he doesn't put the symbol in the correct spot he gets the word marked wrong). He also is beginning telling time, easy fractions, and learning about money. It's a very different experience than we had with Will who was still doing ABC's this time last year. Isaac doesn't seem to struggle at school because he is so focused and works so hard to learn his stuff.

4. I failed to mention that Eli started Sunbeams this year. I was nervous because the first few weeks (in December they brought the nursery kids in for singing time) he refused to go in the Primary room saying he hated it and would rather stand in the corner with me than go in with his class. But once January came around he didn't look back. He makes all the teachers and leaders laugh with is funny comments like, "I've been sitting quietly with my hands folded the entire time but I'm still mad that I'm not jumping on the trampoline instead." Tomorrow we are going on a date together, just the two of us, and he is excited for that.

5. All our birthdays are coming up in the next six months so I've dug out my cake stuff and made my first cake since Isaac's birthday. One of my friends had a birthday so I made her a cake and this week is Mike's birthday so I'm making him a cake too.

No tip for these hair stylists

2012-01-26T20:01:00.000-08:00

These boys are so sweet. I love them playing with my hair but they definitely need some more work on their skills. I heard, "I'm curling your hair Mommy."

This is what happened as a result of them "curling" my hair. Oh goodness. It took some time to get out the combs but thankfully I did not have to cut them out.

Anyone want to borrow my hair stylists?

What matters

2012-01-24T07:23:00.001-08:00

Today I am in need of counting my blessings. Nothing's wrong really, I just feel...off.

Whenever I wonder if there is meaning to my life or my trials, or consider the depth of God's love for me (because sometimes I just need a reminder), I need only to think of two things. My boys and my Mike.

An entry

2012-01-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

I am working on a project for the boys and it's been good and hard. I think it's helped a lot with my healing actually. But it's also been difficult in some ways. Part of the project involves going through my past journals as well as Laila's journal. Sometimes we write in it when we want to tell her something. I'm sure writing it isn't needed--that she can get our message anyway--but I think writing it helps keep it permanent or something. Anyway, I saw this entry I wrote last month. It keeps playing over and over in my head and I'm not sure it will stop until I write it here for some reason.

December 4, 2011

This morning I laid my head on your Dad's chest. It was sweet and comfortable and I heard, "Bump. Bump. Bump." Then I thought of you and imagined my ear on your tiny chest only to hear...nothing. It was such a sad thought. Your tiny little heart stopped beating and your body is lifeless. I pray and have faith that your spirit lives on and anxiously await the day your heart beats again.

My craft room

2012-01-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

It is so fun to have my own craft room. I guess it's not really my own craft room because the boys have all their craft stuff in there too. In fact, I usually find unfinished crafts strewn all over the floor or little paper cuttings all over or markers all over...I love that they feel free enough to go in and start little projects on their own and use their imaginations. I just don't like the messes they leave all over. However, mostly, the room is for me and I love it. I have posted a few pictures of the room already but I've added a few things.

I saw these cute fabric flowers on Pinterest. I decided to use some of the left over scraps in my pantry and try to make some to go in the craft room. You can find the tutorial here. I'm really happy with the way they turned out and like the little pop of color it adds to the room.

My mom came out to visit in August and she helped me finish my little hanging pom pom's in the corner. I love the soft grey color in the room--it's nice and peaceful. Below you see the card table with the puzzle I started about two months ago. Maybe I'll finish it sometime...probably I'll just put it back in the box and do it later.

My sister-in-law cut some vinyl for me. I wanted Elder Uchtorf's quote from his talk about creating. I found this picture on Pinterest too. The original is better--my face is too wide and I had a hard time making the hair how I wanted it. But, I like the picture. I love the little bird whispering in her ear. It makes me think of someone receiving quiet inspiration for her life or projects and so I think it's a great addition to the room.

The other corner of the room. The file container at the left has ideas for Family Home Evening and Math games and such for the boys. Eli likes to sit at his little desk and do his projects or "homework." I think I need something at the top of the pantry because those flowers look pretty lonely up there. Ideas?

I especially like the window on the left of the picture. It's to the right on my sewing desk and it's perfect because the trampoline is directly below the window so I can open the blinds and window and watch/listen to the boys as they jump. The only other thing this room needs is some curtains, which I might or might not get to. I think what I like most about the room is that most of it is decorated by my own projects (which of course I copied from someone else). I have found that projects are just what I need to keep me happy and keep my mind busy.

A few things

2012-01-12T08:56:00.000-08:00

We've been under the weather at our house. I thought we just had colds with coughs. Then Will started complaining about a tummy ache and Eli started having diarrhea and complaining about a headache. Then I got a rash so I thought, "Uh, oh, maybe we have strep." I knew the cough generally doesn't come with strep though so I wasn't sure. I took us all into the doctor (spent over three hours at the doctor yesterday) and none of us have strep thankfully. Anyway, we've busted out our humidifiers because the weather is so darn dry that the coughing is just lingering. I slept much better last night with the humidifier right next to me. The previous night Eli was up all night long in the bathroom, poor kid. One time I didn't hear him run to the bathroom but then heard this huge banging noise. It freaked me out and I ran to the bathroom to find him with his little bum in the air and maracas at his feet. Ingenious way to get my attention, I'd say. Thankfully, even though we've all been sick and the boys have been home from school for two days, everyone has mostly been in good spirits.

In other news, Eli has been awesome lately. We have been experimenting. It's not over so I'll let you know next week if it has anything to do with his behavior or not.

Also, we decided to finish our basement. I never thought we would do that so it's been a nice surprise. The men doing the basement promise no longer than three weeks, which is pretty amazing to me. We are hopefully choosing carpet this weekend and the drywall goes up today. These guys are fast! Mike is going to do the trimming and the tile over the bathtub and the floor in the bathroom to keep costs down. Honestly, this project is going so smoothly that if we had the money, I would always hire someone else to do it. We discussed refinishing the floors upstairs by ourselves and as we got more into the plans I just got so anxious thinking about the chaos. I wish I dealt with change better. We decided to do the basement instead and pay someone to do all the inspection stuff. I'm excited. I'll let Mike do the post with the before and after pictures.

And finally, I have some cavities which are getting filled today and Eli has some to get filled tomorrow. We did some projects today to prepare him for going to the dentist (and some other winter projects also). You can check them out here.

Hope you are all having a great week.

Systems

2012-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I was babysitting at someones house and on her fridge was a weekly menu. It included breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I remember not thinking very highly of this menu. I thought it was proof that she was so fixed and scheduled. I thought, "I'll never schedule my life or my children like that." Oh silly girl.

My family knows, and especially Mike, that I forget things ALL the time. I seriously have a horrible memory. I lose things all the time too. But, knowing this about myself I have worked really, really hard to put systems in place to help me remember things and help me be more organized. I have felt for a long time that I needed to be more organized. I would love for my house to be a well-oiled machine.

With that said, I still want my house to have spontaneity and freedom. I don't want to be so tied to my systems that I can't just adjust things and do something else with the boys. One thing I've noticed for sure is that when I have little babies in my house I am much more stiff. I have a hard time going with the flow and rolling with the punches. Because my kids are such terrible sleepers who hate their car seats and don't transfer well from the car to the house, I generally am much more controlling of nap times and schedules. Sometimes I feel like I'm a crazy control freak when I have a new baby.

But, that isn't the case in our home right now so I think we are more free with our time and our schedules. As I try to make our house run more smoothly I've found a few things:

1. I am a minimalist. I don't like involved systems. They bug me.
2. Going along with the first, it doesn't matter how cool or organized a system is, if it doesn't work for your family it isn't a good system. I have tried multiple things only to find in a few weeks that it's just not working for us and then I have to find a better system for us. But, as with any habit, it takes a while some times to make something stick. It's just that if it never sticks then it's not working.

Here are a few of the things we do in our home to help with organizing my thoughts, time, and life in general.

1. We have a board upstairs by the craft room with a list of things the boys need to do (feed dog, brush teeth, clean room, etc.). They are supposed to look at it before bed and make sure they've done everything on the list. This worked well before Laila died but then life turned upside down and we didn't use it for awhile. We are trying to get back into it. I also have some magnets with pictures on them that I laminated and I use them to put which activities we do for the day (there is one for lunch, park, library, TV time, nap time). These worked better when the boys were younger. I think I'll use them again with Eli because he is young enough to like looking and seeing what things are planned for the day.

I also have a little card for me that I write the crafts I want to do or the chores I want to accomplish during the day, etc.

Then under the board you can see a mailbox. I painted it white because eventually I will paint the wall a different color. I put little notes or treats for the boys in the mailbox and they love looking in to see if I left something. I think it goes well with their room especially since they have a missionary room.

2. We try to have a family theme with goals. We chose the Armour of God but again, since Laila died we haven't done a lot with it. We are ready to get serious again about our theme. Each month we will tape a piece of armor on our guys.

3. I used to have a grocery list and plan for two weeks but I found I liked to change my mind too much so now we just do a week. It's gets annoying to go shopping every sing week but this way I stick to it.

4. I don't have a mud room (a dream) so this is the best we have. The boys have a cork board that I put their spelling words, homework, notes from teachers, etc. on. I also have one with a calendar on it and notes for me to remember during the week. I recently posted a paper for me to record my weight, calories, and exercise on each week on my cork board. The plan is to have Mike frame them with some of the trim we have left over from the pantry to make it look a little better. Also, these hooks are awesome for the boy's backpacks and jackets.

3. The boys also have hooks in their rooms for their towels (I've posted pictures of these before). Each hook has their picture above their hook so they know which towel is theirs. I found that they had a hard time hanging their towels on their towel rack in the bathroom. This works much better.

4. I have an excel document that lists the majority of the foods we each. They are broken into groups of Italian, Mexican, Asian, Traditional, European, Soups, Sandwiches, Breakfast, and Side Dishes. I don't have everything listed that we eat but the majority. We like to try new foods quite frequently so some of the new foods aren't listed yet. I counted about 126 items on my list. It's great to just pull out the list and say, "Hmm. I want Italian today." Then I look at my list of Italian foods, choose one, and then find the recipe in my cookbook. It's easy this way because otherwise I think, "What should we eat?" and this way I know exactly what we like and eat.

5. This one isn't too organized yet but I also have a list of learning activity ideas for Eli. I am hoping to get serious about actually planning them before the day of.

6. The other system we used for awhile that we stopped when we moved to Colorado is the smiley face system. It worked so well for the boys and was needed at the time. I'm trying to decide if it is still the best system for them or not. I liked that the system made them responsible for their actions. But lately I am trying to be more concerned about the effort they put into something rather than the outcome, if that makes sense. I'm not sure if the smiley system works as well for that. Something to think about.

7. To help us understand what should go in our families food storage, we maintain a list that we use to annotate our usage rates of various food items. Each time we use a can of chicken broth, for example, we put a hash mark in the chicken broth row. So far, we have a little over 3 months' worth of data. We can extrapolate our annual usage from that and get an idea of how much we should have for our food storage. We'll keep it up for another three months and see how our annual usage changes.

These are some of our ways of making life more smooth in our house. As you can see, a lot of them were in place before Laila's death and we stopped doing them. We are only just beginning to get back into them again. I am always looking for new ways to be organized so if you have ideas, please pass them on. Like I said though, I don't like overly involved things. They have to be easy and workable.

Happy

2012-01-05T13:19:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Father knew that I could not be in Ohio when Laila passed away. While some days I wish more than anything just to jump on a plane and go visit my friends, I groan just thinking about the nasty weather they are experiencing. Two winters was too much for me, which of course you know from reading my blog. Honestly, I need the sun. I can't imagine the gloom my heart would feel if I were dealing with her death on top of the cold, dreary weather of Ohio.

I feel like they ought to change the name of Vitamin D to Vitamin Happiness. I have heard that Colorado Springs gets snow in Feb., April, and May so I'm gearing up for it. In the meantime, I am loving this wonderful weather. I could not ask for a better day today.

It makes me miss Oklahoma actually, because this kind of weather is actually similar to Oklahoma's winters. Of course once the snow comes it will be quite different from Oklahoma.

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm drinking in happiness--like it's seeping into all the parts of my body and it is partly due to the weather.

And partly due to these cutie patooties.

A different plan

2012-01-03T10:37:00.000-08:00

My sister wrote about a miraculous experience they had in her family recently. Her husband felt a prompting to check on his daughter in bed. Because of his obedience to the prompting, just a thought really, he was able to save his daughter from chocking to death.

I felt a mixture of emotions as I read about the experience. I am grateful, so very grateful that my sister doesn't have to experience the pain of losing a precious daughter--one that is loved, hoped for, and treasured. I am also grateful that my brother-in-law is living his life in such a way that he not only felt the prompting, but acted upon it. I am grateful our sweet Eva is still here to sing her beautiful little songs to the world.

I also can't help feeling sad. I don't write this to make my sister feel bad for posting her experience. In fact, I'm so glad she did so that we can all rejoice with her in the safety of her daughter. I obviously do not wish for a different outcome for her family. Never would I wish that.

Only, I've asked myself a million times, why did I not receive a prompting that Laila was dying and that she needed me to come and get her? Instead, I stood in the kitchen, laughing with my brother Jess and his wife. The boys ran around the house, joyfully playing with their cousins. In a horrible turn of irony Mike said, "My life was handed me on a golden platter. Nothing really bad has ever happen to me. I've never lost anyone close to me to death." At the same time my daughter's spirit left her body, while we stood downstairs unaware, talking about our easy lives.

It isn't entirely true either that I felt no promptings. I did think to have Laila checked on more frequently than normal. She slept about two hours and in those two hours three individuals checked on her. Each time they found a peaceful, sleeping, breathing Laila. It wasn't until the fourth, Mike, found her already dead.

I've asked, "Why did I feel to check on her so frequently, but not at the necessary moment when Laila most needed me?" Mike in his wisdom has given an answer, one that I feel is right. He said, "Perhaps you were prompted to check on her so often so that when she died, and these feelings creeped into your heart, you would know you did everything in your power. You DID check on her and frequently. You did all you could have done." and then, "There were four worthy individuals in our home capable to receive a prompting that something was wrong but none of us felt anything."

I know he is right. As he spoke, I felt the spirit confirm his words. But I still wish for something else.

I often imagine the scene in our home that day. Laila sleeping, the boys playing with their cousins, the adults laughing, cleaning up dinner. And then, unseen spirits all around us, waiting for the moment they know they will be needed. I imagine them wishing to whisper in my ear, "Go get her," but they will themselves to stand silent, knowing that prompting us would impede the plan of our Heavenly Father for our family. I don't imagine he found joy in knowing the pain that was about to come to us. But, knowing this was essential, the prompting was withheld. I imagine they waited with heavy hearts, ready to greet Laila, and ready to surround each of us with the love and comfort we would need.

Even though I know the plan for my family is different than that of my sister's, I still wish for a different outcome. I still wish I had known Laila was dying or that even if I wasn't allowed to stop her death, that I would have been allowed to be there for her as she took her last breath. Instead, I stood at the sink thinking all was well.

To add more irony, the day was the 24th of July, Pioneer day. I can't help but hear the song, Come, Come, Ye Saints and the specific lyrics, "And if we die, before our journey's through, Happy Day! All is well."

Laila's journey was done and I hope one day to say the same, "Happy Day! All is well."

The long Christmas Post

2011-12-30T11:03:00.000-08:00

We started out our Christmas festivities with our annual Christ-Centered Christmas Dinner. I hesitate to post pictures of our dinner because we kind of like the element of surprise and posting pictures will ruin the surprise for future families we might have come. However, we realized this year that perhaps it's better to let the family we are inviting know what the dinner is all about before they get to our house. So, I'm posting pictures. We always have such a hard time choosing a family because there are always so many families to choose from. We really are so lucky to be blessed with the best friends, all of which are such wonderful examples to us. But we can only invite one. This year in particular was hard because since Laila's death, we have been overwhelmed with the service from those around us. We chose a family this year that has been such a good example to us. This family has a little boy with some disabilities and we have been so impressed with the love they have for each other and the way they support each other. The mother quietly takes care of her family and never complains when her husband has to leave out of the country for work (which is often). As I've watched her serve her family I've wondered how she finds the time to serve those outside of her family but she does all the time. We've been impressed with their devotion to the church and how they just quietly do their callings. We have been served numerous times by them in the last few months. Their children have become friends with my boys and the boys are always happy when they get to spend time with them. Honestly, I could go on and on about the Christ-like example of this wonderful family, but all I really need to say is that their example has strengthened us and helped us want to be better through their example. We wanted to make the night special so we set the table with pictures of Jesus displayed and the boys made stars to put at the top of each plate as their place cards. We also made some ornaments with pictures of Jesus and on the back wrote reasons we feel they are a good example to us. It was a good night and we are grateful to have such great friends.

We were planning on leaving for Utah on Thursday but on Wed. morning I got a call from Mike saying that it was supposed to start snowing Wed. night and would I be ready to leave in a few hours so we could miss the snow? We packed frantically and left by 2:30. We stopped half way to sleep for the night because Mike had gotten up at 3:30 that morning to go shooting with some co-workers and was worried he would be too tired to drive the entire way. The next day we went to a family party in Salt Lake. It was a great night. We had a huge spread of food, a program, a little treat for the kids to make, and a game. This is only seven of the siblings and their families. We are missing four siblings and their combined 11 children. The party would have been even better if they were there with us.

The game.

Ammon singing his solo for our program

Part of the family

These pictures are out of order but I don't want to bother with it. So, this actually happened after Christmas. We had a birthday party for one of the cousins. The boys loved it. They had a cool buffet of pizza and pasta and salad with slushies and ice cream. Then we all got to play in the play place that had bumper cars, go-carts, mini-golf, laser-tag, bowling, and arcade games. It was so much fun. We were so glad we got to go and celebrate Jake turning 6!

Mike's tongue is freaking long...

Christmas Eve was a nice, quiet day. I had wanted to take the boys to see the lights at Temple Square on this trip but there was never a good night. The only night that could have worked was Christmas Eve. I thought that since it was the 24th, and Laila had passed away on the 24th, that perhaps it would be a good thing for us to go to Temple Square that night and think about her and how we are together as a family. Mike thought it would make the day way too rushed and that Temple Square would be too crowded. So, after a few tears on my part we decided to stay home. I think it was probably a good idea because we were able to spend time with the boys playing games and making cookies for Santa. Then that night we had a wonderful dinner with my parents and three of my siblings. After dinner we put out food for the reindeer and then we had the boys open a present. Because Christmas Eve will always fall on the 24th, we thought that every Christmas Eve we would open a present of a spiritual nature--something to help us remember Laila and that she is hoping for us to make it as a family to be with her. So we had key chains made with her picture on it and we all opened them up. This way the boys can put them on their backpacks and have a constant reminder of her when they are away from home.

Christmas Day was nice. We opened up presents before church and then later had our traditional pizza dinner with my sister and her family. Most of the other siblings had Christmas with their other family so we didn't see many of them that day. We did get to open presents with my younger sister and her husband though and my other younger siblings, Katy and Ammon.

Will's reaction after finding out Santa brought them a trampoline in Colorado.

Eli likes his Razor.

The Christmas tree and all the presents Christmas Eve night.

The two boys show off their presents.

It was a great day and I think everyone was pleased with their gifts. Other activities on this trip included a visit from one of my best friends and a trip to Salt Lake to play with my brother Adam and his family for a few hours. Mike also took the boys up to Salt Lake one day to play with their other cousins. My brother Jess and his family was sick most of the trip so we only got to see them briefly. My Dad's birthday is the day after Christmas so we took him out for dinner while my sister watched the boys. Also, Grandpa had new baby pigeons born while we were there so the boys loved going out with him and seeing the baby birds. And finally, I got my hair done by my talented sister. It's a nice brownish redish color with blonde highlights. All in all, it was a great trip and nice to see family. It's been about six years since we have been to Utah for Christmas so it was nice for the boys to see their Clark cousins and spend Christmas with Grandma and Grandpa Clark.

Now that is what I call an ornament

2011-12-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

At some point I decided that I didn't want my house to be stiff. I want a nice home but I also want a home that is comfortable and fun and welcoming. I feel that it's not really my home at all--it's ours. Sure, the home is the woman's domain and I like that Mike allows me to decorate how I want, within limits of course. Mostly, I just want a place for the boys to feel comfortable. And so, we have their masterpieces all over the house. Right now they are just taped to the pantry door but maybe eventually I'll find a better way to display them. In keeping with my hope to let them have some freedom to express themselves, I let Will hang this ornament on our tree. I giggle every time I see it. When he first brought it home I had no idea that he would actually want to hang it on the tree. He made it in art class and I imagine the teacher didn't envision any parent would actually let their child hang it. Alas, it hangs on the tree. If you look closely you might be able to see just how gigantic it is compared to the ornaments around it. Will is so proud of it--and so am I, even if it IS about the size of Will and Isaac's heads put together.

A treasured Nativity

2011-12-19T07:48:00.000-08:00

I took a class in college called Work and Relations in the Home. It was a very interesting class. Being a Family Science major I was able to take classes like this. One day I sat through a lecture centered around service. The teacher presented a new way to look at service. She was of the opinion that service shouldn't be anoyomous. That kind of went against everything I'd been taught growing up. I'd always been led to believe that effective service was service that you did silently, without any trumpets blowing and no aknowledgement. I thought the point was to serve for the act not so others could see you do the act. She disagreed entirely. In her opinion the most effective service was service that was seen--service that was known.

Through that class my eyes were opened and I've had many experiences that lead me to believe that she was completely right. This year we have had so many people serve us. It has been touching and I look forward to the day when I am in a better position to be the one returning the favor.

One night our door bell rang and Mike opened it up to find a stable. It was beautiful. On the stable was a note that simply said, "The 12 Days of Christmas." I was touched. Each day for 12 days our bell rang and the boys would run to the door and open it up to find a beautiful box sitting on our step. They each took a turn each night opening the present and revealing the next part of our nativity. There were oohs and awes at each piece. The boys would yell out the door, "Thank you whoever you are!" into the dark night.

I was given a tiny nativity from a friend in Oklahoma. It was perfect for the little boys, just their size, and they used to play with the pieces and rearrange them each day. I loved my tiny nativity but hoped to buy a larger one that I could display each year--one that wasn't for the boys to play with. Each year I would do a search on google and look at various nativity sets and contemplate buying one and every year I'd decide against it. I just couldn't find the right set.

When I dug out all the Christmas decorations this year I realized my little set was missing. Somehow in the move it's been lost, or misplaced. I was so sad that my only Nativity set was gone. So you can imagine my surprise and happiness at this particular gift.

Somehow it is just the perfect gift for me this year. My heart has been reaching, feeling for the joy of Christmas. It hasn't exactly been a depressing season for me, just a little empty I guess. The lights and smells and treats haven't had the same pleasure for me. But I've been thinking a lot about that quiet night in Bethlehem. I've been thinking about that perfect baby born in a stable. I've been thinking about the service we've been given in the last five months and the Christ-like example our friends, family, and neighbors have shown us.

I had wanted so badly to tell whoever it was that was serving us "thank you." Last night the final piece arrived on our doorstep. Inside was baby Jesus. There was also a note describing how each piece completes the Nativity, Jesus being the final piece. It said that likewise, our Nativity would be completed when Laila joined our family again--the piece we are missing. And then, at the end, they revealed who they were.

So I come back to my college class and the lecture on service. When we were being served in secret it held mystery and wonder and excitement. But it also held a tiny bit of sadness because I was helpless to personally thank them. I had no way of explaining that I had no Nativity set and that I'd always wanted one. I had no way of telling them that this Christmas in particular their service and the spiritual nature of their gift was exactly what I needed to focus more on the Savior. I needed something to help me remember the gift we were given of a perfect baby born in a stable, who died so we could live again. So my Laila could live again.

But now, my heart is knit forever to this family. I really liked this particular family before. I appreciated their example and devotion. I liked talking to them and being their friends. But now, I love them.

I understand now what my professor was trying to teach. When you serve in silence, the act is always appreciated (and I want to add that I feel there is a place for quiet acts of service--we enjoy a good door bell ditching as much as the next person). But when you let the person you are serving know, you give them the opportunity to have their hearts connected to yours forever. Not only do I know that I am loved, but I know who loves me. The Dictionary describes anonymous as "Having no outstanding, individual, or unusual features; unremarkable or impersonal." This service was certainly NOT unremarkable or impersonal. It will always hold a very personal meaning to me and I am grateful that now each year when I pull out my Nativity, I will not only think about the gift, but the family who game me the gift.

A cow and a repeated mistake I don't want you to make

2011-12-16T13:24:00.000-08:00

Today has been busy, and good. We went to Will's school party today. The theme was The Polar Express and can we say OVER THE TOP? I mean really, over the top party. It was fun and we only lasted there for about two hours. The party started at 8 this morning and is continuing on the entire day. After the two little boys had enough we went and bought some greasy chicken from WalMart (Mike loves greasy chicken--it makes me sick) and met Mike at his work. It's a pretty quiet day today at his work so it was nice to take the two boys and see where Mike teaches and spends all his time every day. Now we are home, and I have loads of laundry to do. It actually worked out well that we were planning on meeting Mike at his work for lunch because he called to say the day for butchering the cow had arrived and he needed a change of clothes. What's this? Butchering a cow? Let me explain. Mike works with a bunch of all natural guys. One family is super against any additives, sugars, etc. Another is all about living off the land. Actually, most of his co-workers seem to be farm loving people. This one guy at work called Mike and told him his neighbor's cow had gotten out and was destroying things and running down the road in traffic so they needed to catch him, kill him, and butcher him. Mike was giddy. He changed and rushed to the guy's house. The cow got shot twice and still didn't die and then the other cows all stood around sheltering him so they couldn't kill the poor thing. They decided to let him die on his own but now the owner feels bad to see him in pain so they are finishing the job today. I have no idea how long this kind of thing takes so I don't know when Mike will be home tonight.

Oh, but the other thing I have to write about isn't nearly as interesting but I have some advice to pass on.

Today marked the 15th time some random person had asked me if I was pregnant when I wasn't. I'm not sure when or why I started keeping track. But, 15 times is pretty unbelievable. First of all, I just had a baby less than eight months ago. Second, I just lost a baby less than five months ago. Somehow I just don't think having another baby is on my agenda right now.

I'm not pregnant. I do look pregnant, though not obviously pregnant. That fact alone is what makes me scrunch up my forehead in confusion. I can understand making the mistake of asking someone who looked like they were hugely pregnant, but I do not look hugely pregnant. After I had Isaac, the questions began (11 of them happened by the time Eli was a year and three have happened since Laila passed away). I have this issue. When I lose weight it gets smaller but it will not go away unless I get a tummy tuck (I have heard that some women have this problem when they are pregnant and it will eventually heal itself afterwards. That hasn't been the case for me). When I am absolutely, completely confident we are not having more children, I will in fact get a tummy tuck--you would too if you had 15 people ask you if you were pregnant when you weren't.

All 15 people are socially adjusted and intelligent people so obviously those factors alone are not enough for someone to know that you just shouldn't ask someone if they are pregnant. I'm passing this information on to you so that you won't make the same mistake and ask someone else if they are pregnant.

When your curiosity is trying to get the better of you, just think of this post and tell yourself, "If she wants me to know, she'll tell me." Then walk the other way and hang tight until she's ready to tell you. If she doesn't, then it's a safe bet she isn't pregnant (and breathe that sigh of relief that you DIDN'T give in to your curiosity) or she doesn't want you to know.

How your service increases my faith

2011-12-12T15:01:00.000-08:00

On Saturday our babysitter canceled at 10 AM. We had reserved a babysitter a week and a half before so that we could be sure to have one on Saturday night for the adult session of Stake Conference where Elder Scott would be speaking.

I tried really hard not to cry when I got the phone call telling us that our babysitter was sick. I knew there would not be any other babysitter available. I tried to just have faith that someone would miraculously be able to come to our rescue. After eight phone calls I gave up and told Mike if he wanted me to go he would have to find a babysitter.

He went upstairs and promptly told me that our friends in another stake had agreed to babysit last minute. I felt grateful. And embarrassed.

You see, our family has been served so much these last few months. I can't even tell you how many sweet gifts and acts of service we have been the recipients of. They come at the perfect times, just when I most need them. I can't possibly mention them all, but I will name a few: a scrapbook full of pictures of Laila, a beautiful painting of Jesus holding a baby, a journal to write my thoughts in, a container for her tiny white shoes she wore at her blessing. These are just a tiny sprinkling of the generosity of people. There are days when I just feel so emotionally drained and then I get a sweet, thoughtful email telling me how much I am loved or a phone call from someone just checking up on us.

I feel so thankful. Every email, gift, phone call, prayer, etc. means so much to me right now. I need to be remembered and know that Laila is remembered.

But I also feel embarrassed. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm too proud to receive help. I have always tried to find a good balance between accepting service and giving it, though, I have a lot of work still in giving it. It's just that lately, I wish I had more to give. I am giving what I can and hopefully one day I can give more.

I guess the embarrassment comes from having to accept help once again. I had tried to take care of my family beforehand, by not procrastinating and finding myself a babysitter early. And then my well thought out plans fell apart and I found myself once again at the mercy of someone else.

Of course they were happy to be of help. I think most people are happy to help a friend if they can. I just hate being the one always having to accept the help right now. And I guess things always work out--they always do. I just wonder why it has to be so hard sometimes. Why can't it just work out in to begin with? Like when my envelope of $400 got lost. It got found, and quickly I might add, but I wonder why it had to be lost in the first place. Or when I get pregnant and stay sick for 6-9 months. The sickness goes away and it could easily be worse, but why do I have to be sick at all? Or when my babysitter gets sick and I have to find a new babysitter. Thankfully, we found one but why did my original babysitter have to get sick on the one day finding a new one would be so difficult?

I mention those examples not so I can just complain and bemoan my life. It's a good life. My point in mentioning them is to say that I have great faith that Heavenly Father has a hand in my life and that if I stay faithful, things will always work out. But right now even those simple things I have to have faith in, like finding a babysitter, take a lot of effort. Sometimes I sit on the edge of my bed and the thought comes to me, "God can work miracles. Just pray and ask him for help." But then the next thought is, "But I'm so tired. I just am so tired of trying to have faith every single minute of the day that things will work out. Why does it have to be so hard?"

And generally, that is when I get a phone call, an email, or a precious gift from someone who loves me. It's a gentle reminder that I can brush myself off and have a little more faith. It shows me that God loves me because he is sending me mortal angels to help.

So I say thank you and I hope one day I can do the same for you (though, I hope you won't have to go through something like this in order for me to be there for you).

2011-12-12T14:59:00.000-08:00

Healing

It was time to feed Laila when I sent Mike upstairs to get her only to find her gone already.

It was an unexpected consequence of her death that I suddenly found myself hugely engorged with no baby to relieve the pain and pressure.

I was sitting in the hospital holding my lifeless baby when my milk let down suddenly. I had completely forgotten that when Mike went to wake her I was already full, needing her to eat. The initial realization didn't mean a lot to me. I had done it before and I knew what to expect.

(This wasn't the first time I had to go through the painful process of drying up. When I had Will I was taking a seizure medication that wasn't the safest for breastfeeding. When we discovered the medicine wasn't as safe as we were led to believe I stopped breastfeeding immediately. It was horribly painful but only lasted about three days.)

I knew it would be painful and unpleasant but the pain my body would be feeling in the next few hours meant little to me because my mind and soul were feeling a much more overwhelming pain.

I spent the next few days allowing my body to heal. It was just as painful as I remembered and expected. The brace I used to bind myself with and the cabbage I used to ease the intense heat and engorgement as well as reduce the milk supply, helped but I knew that he only thing that would ease the pain was time.

We hoped and prayed that my body would heal quickly but secretly, I also hoped and prayed that my milk would not dry up. I felt conflicted with each let down of my milk. I wanted the pain to end but each let down was a tender reminder of my sweet baby and the precious moments we spent together while the rest of our family slept. I knew that once my milk supply ended, it would be final. She really would be gone. It seemed to me the last reminder of the physical separation I had to face now and I dreaded it being final.

The physical healing only lasted a week--it was intense and then gradually gone. The real healing though is going to take much, much longer. While physically I'm back to normal, I am changed. I will never be the same. I know that I might lose some friends now--they want the old Adrianne back. The old one can't come back. That's not to say I'm not still Adrianne, just that now there is less and more of the old Adrianne, if that makes sense.

Unlike the bodily healing I experienced, I'm not sure there will be complete healing during this life.

But, I know it will come.

Some decorations for Laila

2011-12-06T07:26:00.001-08:00

Every time I go to post something Mike tells me I ought not post it. So, I guess right now my thoughts and feelings are not appropriate to share with the majority of the world. Instead, I'll leave out the things I want to say and instead post mainly pictures.

We decided to decorate a tree for Laila. We bought a small tree and the boys made some fun ornaments and then we took the tree to her grave on Sunday. We have heard that things can sometimes get stolen from the cemetery (though we haven't had a problem yet) so we also decorated the Lilac bush in our front yard that we planted for her--just in case her little tree gets stolen.

I also decided to make some pretty little stars to decorate her crib. It helps me feel like she is still a part of our Christmas.

Here little stars
The little tree the boys helped decorate

This one is out of order but it's from November--the boys each chose a Thanksgiving decoration for her
Working hard on painting their ornaments for her tree
Making their snowflake ornaments for her tree

What if's according to Eli

2011-11-30T07:30:00.000-08:00

I haven't decided yet what to do with this blog. I am thinking hard about it. I think if I sum up the biggest problem for me it is that I need real interaction right now and I'm not sure writing on the blog solves that for me. But, if I decide that is not what my blog is for to begin with, then I guess part of the problem will be solved.

Anyway, in the meantime, I've been thinking about something else: Eli (also known as Mr. Eli. Eli-Shmeeli, Nija the Ninja, Rotten-head, E, Silly head)

I get to spend time with just Eli in the mornings when his brothers go to school so I get to have some pretty interesting conversations with him. For a long time everything that came out of his mouth started with, "What if..." I started writing them down so I could remember all the silly, silly things he says. If you know Eli then you know that he sometimes has a bit of a temper. He dreams and talks of hurting bad guys all the time and he used to say things to me in his anger like, "I wish I was a super hero so I could crush you." Thankfully, those comments are coming a little less frequently, but still, he dreams of saving the world and some of his conversations have some gruesome thoughts. Half the time his comments make no sense whatsoever. Usually, they are followed by, "Would that be silly?" or by hysterical laughter because he cracks himself up--and really, the kid is pretty funny a lot of the time.

Here is a sampling of his What if's:

What if these boy toys went into the computer and the girls said, “Help us.” And they said, “Help us what? Help us What?”

What if this stroller had hundreds of strollers on it? Would that be cool?

What if all the bugs and all the germs and all the yucky mosquito's in the world jumped in me and none on Will and Isaac and then I killed them all? I like to kill bad things.

What if everyone in the world was Hulk?

What is we drove so fast we drove over a car?

What if I crashed myself?

What if you were still at home and hundreds of bad guys were at Isaac’s school?

Eli: What if you ate an eye and it was good? Me: Gross, bud! Eli: But I put lemon on it.

What if I was a picture and I glued you?

What if there was a monkey in my ear?

What if pretzels talked and walked?

What if you had a Ghost--not a real Ghost, a nice Ghost? (I can't remember if it was Isaac of Eli that said this next but one of them added, "Did you know the Holy Ghost is nice?")

What if we had three of everything in our backyard?

What if I had cheese and ketchup and mustard on my plate and mixed my corndog in it? Would that be yummy?

What if every cup was black and every plate was black and every fork was black?

What if a bad bat didn't suck anyone's blood and turned into a fruit bat?

What if you had a horsey in your pants?

What if there were two super babies?

What if an animal stole my milk?

What if I was a bad superdog and I ate everybody?

What if I was a great big spider and I ate your head off?

What if I picked up a spider when it was still alive and it didn't bite me?

What if you had a muffin for your head and you ate your muffin with your head?

What if you were a tootsie roll that said, "Banana Pants?"

So, now you have a little idea of what Eli thinks about. It's so fun to have him as my son. He makes me laugh on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like his sister must talk to him and tell him his momma needs hims upstairs because often I will be in the shower crying, praying that I can be happier during the rest of the day and when I get out, there is Eli hiding under my covers laughing because he thinks I can't see the huge lump his body makes under the blankets. Then he pops out and does some silly dance or says some super silly comment and then I can't help but laugh and be grateful that I still have three wonderful little boys right here to take care of every day. This boy isn't an easy kid. Every thing he does comes in big doses. He is the happiest, the maddest, the most defiant, the funniest, of my children. His fists shake at me daily but his giggles are infectious (and there are a lot of them). I wish everyone could have a dose of Eli because then they'd all be grateful for their own kind, calm kiddos while feeling jealous that he gets to live in my house and not theirs. I love him and pretty much everyone that knows him, loves him too.

P.S. The boys have been doing fun things lately. You can see two of their crafts and some super cool robots here, here, and here. The robots are especially cool so go check it out.

Decision time

2011-11-27T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a month or so since I've written on here. I've been contemplating the purpose of this blog. I like to write and feel I need an outlet for my feelings but if that is the purpose of this blog then I have a journal--and a private blog for that matter that no one is invited to read (sorry). Both of those ought to be outlet enough to get my feelings and thoughts out. It's been a good learning experience for me to write here and in some ways this blog feels like an old friend--I've been writing on here since a few months after Will was born so I guess about six years. But now, I'm just not sure if it is serving it's purpose anymore. Honestly, I get frustrated with the blog frequently and it's made me question why I write here anyway. It's hard to share things and have people question why I write what I write. Or, share personal things and not have people acknowledge what I've written. I understand. Really, I do. I've read many blogs that I read only to feel awkward, or not know what to say, or I'm a stalker ;) and feel like I should not comment on someones blog that I don't know. Though, because of this blog, I miraculously met the woman who buried her precious baby next to mine

(I like to imagine they follow us around and that they know each other--and this is silly, but my friend and her husband are a good looking couple--I can only imagine their son is handsome as well and therefore, maybe my Laila and their Nathan can hook up when they are resurrected. I haven't told my friend this so when she reads this she might say, "Uh, you and Mike are not a good looking couple and I hope not to be connected to your family forever, good looking or not)

Obviously, good comes from this blog. I'm just trying to decide if the good outweighs the frustrations.

I mentioned that this blog has been a good learning experience for me. I've learned a few things but one very important thing for me has been learning how to filter. I know what you are thinking, "You filter things?" Yes, people, that's why I have a private blog that you can't read! I do filter things. And, I also have a personal built-in filter called Mike. He tells me what I ought not to post. I've learned through painful experience actually, that posting personal opinions on a blog or on facebook are dangerous. I have found myself unintentionally hurting people with my opinions. I can honestly say that I haven't intended to hurt people by my opinions--I just wanted to put a voice to my opinion and discovered that more often than not, the opinion is less important than the fact that voicing it might hurt someone. So, if you are one of those people hurt by my opinions in the past, I apologize. But, I would say that if you know me you ought to know that I never intended to hurt you--I just wasn't being mindful of how my words might hurt you or someone else. Which of course, isn't a good excuse, but an excuse none the less.

I would like to add however, that many of my opinions, if I were to write them on here in the future, are much less passionate now that Laila has passed away. Perhaps I'll expound on that later, but for now, just know that I feel a softening around my mind and heart in many, many cases as I have felt the pain over some comments made towards me and my actions regarding Laila and her death. I know that is vague but good enough for now.

And so, I'm back where I started. I cannot come to a decision as to what I want to see with this blog. Like I said earlier, I have other outlets for writing. But I'm not sure that is the purpose of this blog either. I have been seeking for over a year to find records in the scriptures and other accounts of righteous, faithful women. I have been hoping to use them as examples for me and how I ought to conduct my life and my actions. But for the most part, I have been unsuccessful in my findings. Of course there are a plethora of women to exemplify and I will continue to find books and references to them and their lives (and I want to note that I'm not talking about women I interact with daily because of course I am surrounded by good, faithful women every day). But as far as studying up on women that have gone before me, there are not a lot that I have found yet and I think a reason for that is that the majority of us do not go around publishing our journals (or perhaps even writing in them). As I considered this, I thought about how I have been a journal writer my entire life and more than that, I find this blog to be an extension of that. I have felt that perhaps this blog is meant to be a record of my testimony and beliefs--just today I watched a conference talk by Elder Holland who said, " I ask for a stronger and more devoted voice, a voice not only against evil and him who is the personification of it, but a voice for good, a voice for the gospel, a voice for God."

But again, the frustrations come and I am not sure they outweigh the good so, for now, I'm writing on my private blog and may or may not write a lot on here. I made this private blog a long time ago--perhaps over a year ago?--and I have written on there from time to time I've always come back to this blog. Only now, things are different for me and I find writing my feelings on a public blog with watchful eyes much, much harder.

Scenes from our Halloween (minus trick-or-treating)

2011-10-29T17:03:00.000-07:00

We had our trunk-or-treat tonight. I thought getting everyone ready would be pretty easy but 45 minutes before the party I realized everyone but Will was missing some piece of their costume. We ended up having to search frantically for Isaac's heart and Eli's hat (you can't be a bat without wings!). The boys chose their costumes. Isaac originally chose a batman something or other but when we went to Wa lMart he saw a heartless zombie. I bought the costume but once we got home I just couldn't bear to have him wear something quite so gruesome. I took it back and came up with my own version of a not so scary zombie. I sewed him a heart and put it on velcro, then drew the organs on one of his pajama tee's. The face painting was another story. All I can say is that painting your sons to look dead after experiencing a real death isn't the most pleasant experience. Why did I let them be zombies? Because in their minds zombies and death don't really go together so to them, it's harmless and fun. Anyway, Will wanted to be half mummy/half zombie. His idea was to buy two costumes, cut them down the middle and sew them up. I vetoed that one too. Instead, I just ripped an old shirt up and an old pillow case. Eli chose to be a bat. He was seriously the cutest bat I've ever seen. My favorite was when I let him wear his bat hat I made to the park. He wore it on the swings and his shadow showed his wings flapping in the air--so many giggles! Here are my cute--not scary--Halloween boys:

I threw Eli a Halloween party since his brothers always get some for school. Isaac happened to have school off that day so he got to participate as well. Eli said it was "the most awesome party ever!"
Eli showing his spider craft and the two boys decorating their cupcakes.
Isaac at the party showing his heartless zombie costume.
My cute bat: (man, I love this kid!)
We finally carved our pumpkins from the pumpkin patch
The boys thought the innards were disgusting
Harry Potter Party! I was the house elf, Dobby. I love these girls!

Doesn't Will look awesome?

And, another one of Isaac.

In memory of Laila

2011-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Dear friends and family,

As most of you know, our sweet daughter passed away three months ago.
While her time on earth was short, she continues to influence our
family daily. In thinking of a way to keep her in the foremost of our
lives we have determined to do a family service project each month.
As we do various acts of service individually, as well as service as a
family, we write the service on a slip of paper and put it in our
service jar. On Laila’s birthday we will take our jar of service and
place the slips of paper inside balloons where we will then send the
balloons to heaven.

We decided the last service project we would do before her birthday
was to donate items to the Children’s Hospital that worked on Laila
the day she passed away. In thinking about this, we wondered if
others would like to participate in this particular service project.

Our plan is to donate various items the hospital needs. As people
have shown interest in participating we realized we needed to have a
few options available to people. The following are options available
to you if you would like to participate in some way:

There will be five drop off places (two in Utah, one in Ohio, one in Oklahoma, and one in Colorado Springs). You may take items to any one of these places until April, at which point all the items collected will be taken to a children's hospital in that area. If you live in one of these areas and want to donate, leave a comment with your email (if you haven't received an email) and I will send you the address to the drop-off point near you. ***For those of you in Colorado Springs, you can either bring them to my house or I can come and get them from you.***

The other option (if you don't live near one of these places or if you just prefer an easier solution) is to donate money which will go towards buying an item from the hospital wish list. If you are interested in this option instead, again, leave a comment with your email and I will let you know where to send/transfer the money.

We truly appreciate all the love and support we have been given the last three months. It has helped us remember that Heavenly Father has not forgotten our family. We are so thankful for eternal families.

Love,

The Richards Family

Protection

2011-10-20T05:56:00.000-07:00

The best way to describe my current feelings are exhausted--mentally, physically, and spiritually. The amount of energy it takes to focus on an eternal perspective can be draining. By the end of the night my mind and body are under such large amounts of stress from the physical aspects of dealing with such a traumatic experience as a death, that I just fall into bed. I fall asleep quickly but never really feel asleep. My sleep is restless and I'm never sure if my dreams are real dreams. I feel like I am half awake and never reach that deep sleep required to rejuvenate the body.

More than that, I am exhausted from trying to make things OK for our family. I think it is appropriate and right for my boys to see us grieving. This is a big thing to make sense of for them and I want them to have an appropriate view of trials--that it's OK to feel sorrow. But, I also need them to see our faith in action. I need them to see that life will continue on hopefully.

We are changed. Our lives are changed. It is interesting thinking about how our lives include a regular visit to the cemetery. These aren't experiences I ever imagined my boys having.

Dealing with Laila's death is difficult but there have been other serious things that we are working through. There have been experiences that have been frightening for me and so burdensome. I have recognized for the first time the realness of Satan and his hatred of all things good. The fight is real, it's not just something we teach about in Sunday School.

There are a lot of things I don't do right as a mother. One thing I am doing right though is talking to my kids about things they will encounter outside my home. I wondered if perhaps a three, five, and six year old are too young to have discussions about the sanctity of their bodies. We have talked about different scenarios, hoping they never had to actually be in a situation where they would be called upon to recall the scenarios, but knowing they probably would.

Now, I realize that talking to my boys so candidly was and is essential. I am thankful Will is so sensitive to the spirit. I am amazed at his courage. He is more courageous than a lot of adults. I am so thankful that the lines of communication with my children are open and that they feel comfortable talking to us about the things they are being faced with. I am hopeful it will stay that way. I am grateful for Heavenly Father's protection.

I have felt a huge weight on my shoulders since Laila died. The week after she passed away events took place that filled me with so much fear for my family and our future. I felt so concerned with getting my children back to God. Now, I realize that as long as I listen to the spirit, I'll know how to direct my children and know what conversations I ought to be having with them. That makes all the difference. They might not always make the right choice the first time (maybe not even the second or third) but they will turn their minds to Heavenly Father and find the courage to do what they know they should be doing.

I know there is divine help and protection. Ironically, our family theme this year is Putting on the Armour of God. I recognize that Heavenly Father wants us to actively build fortifications around our family and home so we can defend ourselves from Satan.

Wishing Star Pumpkin Patch

2011-10-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

We haven't been to a pumpkin patch since we lived in Oklahoma so when some friends invited us to go with them, we were really excited. It was so much fun. Even though Isaac looks very unhappy in the first picture, don't be fooled. We all had a great time.

Picking our pumpkins--we made sure to use our stroller because the boys picked huge pumpkins and there was no way we could carry them all the way to the van!

Crazy Momma

the train ride

The boys loved the ponies, of course

This picture is for you Dad!!

Mike is debating making one of these swings...our house is going to be a playground!

This last picture made me a little sad when I realized it was the first picture of us as a family since Laila died and it definitely felt like something was missing.

Some parents aren't that bright...

2011-10-10T18:56:00.000-07:00

The boys were using cardboard to slide down the stairs this weekend. After watching them a few times Mike got an ingenious idea (or dumb). I thought it was going to be a Christmas present and told my mom we were going to try and keep it a secret but Mike had other plans. It is a great idea, though dangerous for the time being but if you read Mike's post (because he wrote the rest of the post) then you will see what the problems are and what we need to change for it to really work. In any case, no friends are allowed on this until we've found the perfect solution.

I used to have a tool for this, but sold it with all my other tools. My solution--wrap some duct tape around a little roller to smear the glue. We had the tape, roller, and this glue, so they cost me nothing.

These hinges and hooks were about $2.50 each.

The 3/4 inch ply-wood was $24 (it was on sale) and the hard board was around $8.

The guy at home depot cut them both in half for me.

I glued the hardboard to the plywood--flipping one set on top of the other and loaded it up with

some heavy junk. Most of the junk came from the basement. Ugh...

Then I cut both pieces at 45 degrees where they would meet.

Here's Will showing Eli where we'll cut the smaller piece.

We put the hinges on the boards, then attached them to the stair case.

This is Will going down the slide.

This is Isaac helping put the slide "away". The little eye-hooks hold the slide out of the way.

Adrianne couldn't wait for me to start the video before going down. We have another video, but it won't load.

So, a lame post, but the slide is cool. The only problem is the stop at the bottom. I need to find a way to slow the kids down while they're sliding (perhaps the hardboard was too slick) or a good way to cushion the landing--I'm concerned that even 7 inches of upholstery foam will be insufficient (plus, it would cost me more than double what the rest of the slide cost). I'll let you know what we do. I'd appreciate any recommendations you have.

The change of seasons

2011-10-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

When Laila passed away I felt an overwhelming peace and love from Heavenly Father. It is what helped me through that first week. It is what has helped me through the past two months, which have been horrible, by the way. Now, it seems like the challenge is to hold onto that peace and love I felt previously. The feelings come and go, sometimes hopeful, sometimes fearful and sad. It is hard to keep my mind focused on what I know, but it is the only thing that keeps me going forward.

Fall is here and I usually love fall. This year I have been dragging my feet about bringing out the decorations. The change of seasons means life is moving on without my Laila, making it harder to enjoy.

But today I felt happy.

Mike and I went to the temple this morning and I was so excited to go. Mike promised me in a blessing after Laila passed away that I'd feel her close to me as I went to the temple. The temple has been closed since the week after Laila died so I've been anxious to get back. While we sat together in the temple we looked at each other and smiled and realized things were going to be ok. We were going to be ok.

We came home and the boys were so excited to show us the snow fort they made with the babysitter (it snowed today). We had pumpkin pancakes for dinner and read scriptures by the fireplace. We listened to my new CD and my locket for Laila's hair came in the mail finally. Then we put together our milk carton jack-O-lanterns and the boys cheered and laughed.

Everyone was happy and I imagined Laila watching us and breathing happiness into our souls.

We are definitely in a better place today then we were a month ago. I still describe it as a chronic illness. We still have to live with an ache that will last this mortal life. But we are learning to live with it. We have a long ways to go still. When I asked Mike how he would describe how we are doing right now he said, "We are doing fine--with a positive voice." I think he's right. We are doing fine. Not great, but not bad.

I'm ok with fine right now.

Pictures of our fall so far:
The creepy spider wreath I made
Our milk carton Jack-O-Lanterns (Mike likes that I didn't have to spend money on this craft)

The snow we woke up to

Random stuff

2011-10-06T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ever since Laila died, all of us have irrational thoughts about death. I already wrote about Will and his challenge at night sometimes thinking his brothers are dead while they sleep. He's not the only one with problems like this. Of course, when Mike and I go to check on the boys at night we always have this brief thought, "Are they alive?"

The other time we have these thoughts are when we are not together for awhile. While Mike attended the Priesthood session, the boys and I went to a birthday party at a park. Our GPS isn't working very well so I was worried I wouldn't be able to figure out the way home. Mike knew this and worried about me. During a good portion of the Priesthood session Mike kept getting distracted by thoughts of, "What if they all got in a crash and died?"

Then last night, Mike had to be somewhere at 7:00. I assumed his meeting would be an hour tops. Two hours later he wasn't home yet and I started getting worried. So I called him and he said he was on his way home in a few minutes. I fell asleep at 10 and at 10:30 I got up and discovered he was not home yet! Of course thoughts of him dying a gruesome death came rushing through my mind. At 10:45 he came in and rather than being happy to see him I was so upset--something he knows very well about me--I kind of have a problem showing anger instead of fear or sadness. But for Pete's sake, four hours later?! It's not cool to make me worry about him like that.

Well, when we aren't all worried one of us is going to die, we are doing other things to keep our minds busy and I've included lot's of pictures to show what we've been doing.

First up: Isaac and Eli playing together! Hooray for half day kindergarten! I love that they get to play together. Of course, they do A LOT of fighting too. So when they play well together I have to have proof. Hence, the pictures.

And look at that blue sky! We are getting Utah's yucky weather this weekend though.
Next, I've been organizing--or trying to at least. We still have some problem areas in our house with clutter that I just don't know what to do with. I bought these cork boards to put the boy's papers (they go to different schools so I get confused about who's papers belong to which school). Hopefully I'll get them spruced up a bit--maybe a fabric flower or their names on their boards. I don't know. Something.
Third, I'm having fun making silly lunches for Will. He gets embarrassed sometimes because the kids giggle at the silly faces on his sandwiches. I certainly don't want him to be embarrassed so when he says to stop I will. And, he doesn't always get fun stuff--just when I'm prepared. He's had silly teeth made from apples and peanut butter and marshmallows, ants made from toothpicks and grapes and then the stuff in the pictures below. Oh, and sometimes I use a big cookie cutter to cut his sandwiches. I saw a Ferb sandwich on Pinterest that Will is going to LOVE (he loves Phineas and Ferb).

This picture goes with my organizing stuff. It cost me five dollars for the frame and then I used scrapbook paper I already had to make this menu list.
Fourth, I mentioned Laila has a neighbor. Events happened that allowed me to meet the mother of Laila's neighbor. She's wonderful and I'm excited to be friends--how we met is so crazy and God definitely played a part in us meeting. We went to visit Laila after conference and Isaac had to get a picture next to her. Last time we went he fell asleep in the car and was heartbroken he didn't get to see her so this time he insisted on a picture.
Fifth, I painted the guest bathroom. This yellow looks brighter than it actually is. It's a very pale yellow. I painted the white flower on the wall and then made the little puffy paint flower on canvas. It looks greenish but it's actually a blue. I think I'm done painting for awhile. I still have my room and the boy's bathroom, and my bathroom as well as the hallway upstairs but I need a painting break.

There you go, projects and thoughts of death.

Photo Shoot Video

2011-10-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

In June Jess and Mom took family pictures for us. Here is a video Mike put together (with my input) with those pictures.

Also, see the post about the headstone below.

The process of getting a headstone

2011-10-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

This picture makes me smile every time I see it--it is a picture with so much love bursting from both of them. That look she is giving her daddy...

There have been a lot of questions regarding Laila's headstone so I thought I'd post something on here in case you are all wondering.

First, we try to visit Laila about every other week. I'd like to go more but it's about 30 minutes away so by the time we get there and back, it's past the boys bedtime and it just makes it hard to get there.

A lot of people have asked when her headstone is coming. We haven't even ordered one yet. There are obviously a lot of things I never even considered until Laila passed away. The process of buying a headstone is one of them. When we went to look at headstones we found out that they are really expensive. In fact, the cheapest one costs almost more than all the other funeral services combined. We are planning on buying a cheaper one because we don't know where we are going to be retiring and we are planning on moving her when we settle down somewhere and moving the headstone would not be economical. When we do settle down we will move her to a place where we will buy a plot for all of us to be buried together, with a nicer headstone at that point.

Mike has purchased life insurance on each of us in the family. The kids all have $10,000 on them. We first have to have the coroners office do the autopsy (the results just came back). This took about nine weeks. Next, we have to get the death certificate, which can't come until the autopsy report was finished. Then, the death certificate gets sent to the insurance and we wait until the money comes. With that money, we pay ourselves back for the money we spent on the funeral. I am so thankful for Mike's job and that we live in such a way that we had money to pay for all the expenses. Things have been tight, but we have not been hurting too bad. When the money comes we will go choose a nice, but somewhat cheaper headstone. Then it will take awhile for them to get the granite (some of them come from India even) and then they have to etch the design we choose, and then finally, deliver and install the headstone at the cemetery.

Since we just got the autopsy report we are at the beginning of this process so it will still be a long time until Laila has a headstone. When we get one, we will let you all know.

**Today we went to visit Laila at the cemetery and found that she has a little neighbor now. Sad, and strange.

Will

2011-09-29T19:36:00.001-07:00

I haven't done a post on my boys for awhile so I thought I'd update on what they are doing.

Will is great. Still nice, helpful, thoughtful Will. He is just such a cheerful boy and I just love him.

Sometimes I worry we are too hard on him and expect too much of him. Recently he said, "I'm the rude one." Oh, that made me so sad. I realized he thought he was the rude one because we harp on him all the time, "Will, that is so rude. Don't do that." Not one of my better parenting moments. I don't want my kid to give himself a label of rude because we call him rude...He's no more rude than the normal six year old and I think we need to find a better way to teach him how to be polite than calling him rude all the time. I had to teach a lesson last week about parenting and it was a good lesson for me, let me tell you. Will's "I'm the rude one" comment kept ringing through my head the entire week.

He had a field day last week and we were able to go watch him and cheer him on. We also got to eat lunch with him so that was fun. I think he had such a great time and it was nice to be able to support him. His teacher raved about him and it was really nice to hear such good things about him. She said his class is really difficult this year but he doesn't seem to get distracted by the crazy behavior of some of the other students and if he gets done with his work early he just finds something else to busy himself with. She said some other nice things and of course, I loved hearing it. Who ever gets tired of hearing good things about your kid?

Will is having a hard time at night. He is getting scared a lot and having nightmares. It was bad for awhile. But now it is looking up a little and he is mostly just scared at night. Sometimes he'll knock on our door at night and then come climb in bed with us and snuggle up until he isn't afraid anymore.

He used to tell complete strangers, "I hope your baby doesn't die. My baby sister just died." He still does that but not as frequently as he used to. I don't stop him because it's his way of grieving and if he needs to talk about it, I'm not going to tell him he shouldn't--even if it is a bit awkward.

He worked for over a month to earn the chance to go to the science club at school. It starts next week and he is so excited. He is also excited to go to the zoo next week for his field trip and even more excited that I get to go, as well as his brothers (Isaac doesn't have school that day).

Well, there's an update on Will. I'll post one of the other two boys later.

A brother, prepared to use his priesthood

2011-09-27T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have had a sincere inner struggle lately. On one hand, I feel something inside willing me to write about my feelings regarding Laila and her death. On the other, I hear this verse repeated over and over in my head: But Mary kept all these things, and ^apondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:19)

I am struggling to know which thought is the correct thought. There are things I don't want to share. I have been directed to other blogs of women that have lost their children and I can't read them anymore. Their words are too personal. There is so much sorrow, and some hope, and it feels almost awkward to read--like I'm being allowed to watch something I shouldn't be a part of. And there are some things people shouldn't be a part of because they are too personal and too sacred. I have written most of those things in my journal. But I still struggle to know what is too personal for this blog.

Part of me wants to keep the day of Laila's passing to myself--shelter it almost--because she's my baby and the pain and the horror of that day are too great to share. But there is an amount of peace and hope that was felt as well.

And I have a testimony and I feel sometimes like I should share it even when I don't want to.

Today, I am having that inner struggle. I have something to say but to say it I have to share things that are personal to me in a way that I don't want to share. So, it's here. I've written it. And I might take it back. Because I don't want anyone to hear or imagine or misunderstand or brush it aside or stop reading because it's too much.

***************

It was all a blur. Mike ran past into the family room, cradling Laila in his arms. I somehow got myself off the floor and collected all the kids--my boys and my nieces. They, obviously, were worried and tried to follow Mike in the other room. I recognized what was happening and didn't want them to go in and see Laila or Mike doing CPR, so I snapped my fingers and sternly said, "Kneel. Now." They obeyed. Through my tears I asked the Lord to bring her back even though I knew He would not. Then we sent the kids to the front yard where my neighbors were all outside, enjoying the weather. My sister-in-law called 911. I went into the family room where I saw the following scene:

Mike, calmly giving CPR, his breaths rhythmic, my sweet Laila laying on her blanket, and my brother Jess, with his hands on her head, softly using his priesthood to administer to my baby. I was not close enough to hear what he said (perhaps he too knew that the Lord would not bring Laila back to life) but he prayed none the less. In my tears I saw two men that I love very much, trying to save my daughter.

I have six brothers, all worthy to hold the priesthood, and any of them would have done the same. I am sealed to my brother and through that sealing, bonded to him eternally. But now, after experiencing something so personal and watching him administer to my daughter, I feel even more bonded to him. I will forever be grateful for his worthiness that allowed him to give her a blessing at that critical moment.

I watched this video this morning and I heard these words:

Now, my young friends of both the Aaronic and Melchizedek Priesthood, not every prayer is answered so immediately, and not every priesthood declaration can command the renewal or the sustaining of life. Sometimes the will of God is otherwise. But young men, you will learn, if you have not already, that in frightening, even perilous moments, your faith and your priesthood will demand the very best of you and the best you can call down from heaven. You Aaronic Priesthood boys will not use your priesthood in exactly the same way an ordained elder uses the Melchizedek, but all priesthood bearers must be instruments in the hand of God, and to be so, you must, as Joshua said, “sanctify yourselves.” You must be ready and worthy to act.

My prayer, Mike's CPR, and Jess' blessing were not enough to save Laila because that was not in God's plan for her or my family. Regardless of the outcome, those prayers mean something to me. It means that they come naturally. It means that my brother didn't have to question his ability to use the power of God. It means that he had prepared himself so he was "ready and worthy to act." It means that my boys knew the most important thing at that moment, besides the obvious physical attempt to save her with CPR, was to hear their mother pray for their sister's life.

I for one, am thankful for the priesthood and thankful that the men in my life are worthy of that priesthood.

Where I try to express, unsuccessfully, my love for Mike

2011-09-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

The days following Laila's death found me having feelings for Mike that I had never felt before. When he was out of my sight I found myself missing him, looking for him. Was he ok? Did he need me? I saw Mike give Laila CPR with the most calm, level headed manner. He knew exactly what to do and there was no hesitating or falling apart (quite different from my own actions). He just went about trying to save his daughter--I'm sure he would have done anything for her if only she could have been brought back.

While I sobbed in the corner, he held me and turned my face away from the paramedics so I didn't have to watch them put the tube down her throat. Even in his suffering, he was protecting me, trying to make this less horrible for me.

After declaring her dead, they allowed us to come in the room and hold her. In his selfless way, Mike let me hold her first. He sat by my side and waited his turn until he could hold his precious daughter. We sat together, holding her, and sobbing. It is a scene I won't ever forget.

Two things prevent me from writing more about that moment: First, I don't have a good enough grasp of the English language and can't possibly put those words together to describe the feelings we felt and experienced. And second, it was one of the most sacred experiences of my life and writing about it on here would lessen it.

For Mike, the preparations for the funeral, brought him relief. He was able to focus on the task at hand and get the work done, because it was business and he didn't have to think about Laila. For me, it was torture. I sat in a disbelieving daze--How can I be making these choices about my baby like it's an every day thing to do? With the help of my in-laws, Mike was able to take care of all the business. The only good I provided was crying whenever a choice was presented that I found wretched. Really, we are going to put tulle and flying angels around my baby? No, please.

We were surrounded by people but Mike was the only one that understood what I was feeling. Everyone else had their own sorrow and could imagine what it was like to lose one of their own children. But Mike and I were the only ones to actually know what it was like to lose a child.

We have experienced a lot together but this experience has brought us closer together in two months than the past eight years combined.

Eight years ago today I married Mike. I passed out on the alter. I remember looking up at the sealer at the pivotal moment where I had to say yes, and he kept looking at me, like he was willing me to keep my head up. Somehow I was able to say yes. Mike said it looked like I was possessed. I'm not sure about that or not, but knowing what I know now, I think Satan was trying to keep us apart.

There is no one I'd rather live my mortal life or eternal life with. Here's to hoping our next eight years don't include another experience that's quite so stretching. If it does, then I know we can make it through together.

Sirius Black

2011-09-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

We found Diamond's furrier twin today. I felt really bad for this poor dog. What is he doing on the roof?!! I would have tried to get a closer picture but I felt bad for the guy in the window--I didn't think he'd appreciate knowing I was taking a picture of him (I cropped him out)

A letter and some gifts

2011-09-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the official report came from the coroner's office on Laila's death. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt like everything came rushing back, all the memories of that day.

It seemed horrible to read how much each of her organs weighed, what the color of the fluid in her brain was, how low her blood sugar was, etc. I almost felt her body was defiled. I knew this was going to happen and was necessary but it still felt horrible to actually think about the fact that my baby's body had been cut open and her body parts poked, prodded, and weighed.

In the last post I wrote that I didn't have the same feeling of my dreams being taken away from me because I'd already experienced so many wonderful milestones with my boys and that I still had so many left to experience with them.

But reading the report I definitely felt a sadness when I read about her uterus, fallopian tubes, and ovaries. I had to acknowledge that Laila was a girl with all the physical parts that make a women who is able to bear beautiful children and those dreams won't happen during this life. It's strange really, because I don't recall thinking about Laila's future as a mother very much. Her baby blessing was beautiful and talked about her having a mother heart her entire life. But I don't remember dwelling on thoughts of her future as a mother and spouse--perhaps that is a blessing. I don't know how to describe it but I think it was kind of shocking for me read that my baby had the capability to be a mother and have children. Of course she did, but to me, she was just my little baby. I recognize that Laila still has the promise of all those blessings when she is resurrected and thinking back on her blessing, I want to hope that Laila does have a mother heart and that all the characteristics needed to be a wonderful mother reside in her spirit and that she is using those special talents in Heaven to help those around her.

Something else came in the mail though--her mobile! My friend Kera from Ohio helped me start it when I was still there but when the pregnancy got harder at the end with all the appointments she offered to finish it for me (that's so like Kera. She such a wonderful, thoughtful friend). I'm grateful she sent it even though Laila's not here anymore. It completes her room and will remind me of Laila every time I look at it. It's dainty and beautiful. I hung it over her crib and I love it. I wish everyone had friends as good as mine.

And since I'm at it, I thought I'd add some of the other special gifts that have been given to us and have found a place in her room--there are a lot of other meaningful gifts but these are the ones I put in her room--the others are in other parts of our home.

My sister made this for me to have at the viewing. I had seen a baby announcement like this on another blog and so I asked her to use this song and add the lines on the end concerning her death.
This cute little container came with some other gifts from a friend here in CO. I thought it was perfect to display her cute shoes she wore at her blessing. The figurine was from another friend here who had heard me mention I love Willow Tree figurines. (I also got another one from some high school friends and that one sits above my bed)
A picture my sister took and some flowers from the funeral services.

And finally, the mobile. I took a picture of it close up but it didn't come out for some reason.

Distinguishing between Laila and other babies

2011-09-18T09:54:00.001-07:00

My sister emailed me this week. She had gone to the doctor and found out the sex of her baby--a girl, just what she wanted. She emailed, but didn't call, because she was worried about my reaction, and was sure I would feel resentful, sad, and jealous that she was having a girl when I had just lost mine.

Her words produced no pain at all. I was happy for her, sincerely happy, that she was having a baby (she's wanted one for a long time) and that she was getting to have a baby girl. I appreciated her concern for my feelings because it means she loves me, a fact I already knew because she does a good job of expressing her love for me regularly. I appreciated that in her happiness she was still concerned for me, her older sister. Love like that is so essential in a family and I feel grateful I can experience it.

But I wondered, after her email, why I didn't feel jealousy or pain. I wondered why I don't feel resentment towards the women that have had babies in this ward in the past month--I haven't attended a ward that had this many pregnant women in it since my BYU days. I've also wondered why when I see my friend and her baby girl that was born two days before Laila, that I don't feel sad (there was one time, just a few weeks after Laila's passing that I hung out with my friend and her baby was babbling and smiling and I thought, "this is what Laila would be doing now" but it was a passing thought and nothing more).

As I've considered my feelings, or lack of certain feelings, I think I recognize the reason. I wrote to my sister, "I am not grieving the loss of a baby--I'm grieving the loss of Laila." Laila isn't just some baby that is no longer here. She is MY baby, a baby with a spirit that I knew long before she ever came to our family. I miss having a baby and perhaps one day, if the Lord requires me to have another baby, we will have another. But having another baby will not replace Laila. There will always be a hole in my heart until I see her again. Families are meant to be together forever and until I am with her again, things will never feel quite right.

Other babies are not my Laila. I see it as a blessing that I am able to make that clear distinction in my mind.

Another reason for my ability to not feel jealous is the fact that I have never had a burning desire to have a girl. My love for Laila is deep and I am so thankful that Heavenly Father allowed me to have a little girl, if only for three months, even though I didn't think I particularly cared for one. I've said this before but we never tried for a particular sex--we were just having children. I would be happy with three little girls or three little boys. Because the Lord gave us three little boys, the idea of having a girl was scary to me. I was worried I wouldn't know how to deal with the drama, how to do her hair, how to teach her to NOT be a mean girl, etc.

I'm not sure how to really put this all into words...

The truth is, I guess I'm just not a normal girl. I've never had that burning need for a girl. I know the typical dreams mothers have regarding their little girls--the desire to dress them up, do their hair, go shopping together, sew cute dresses for them, buy them a wedding dress, etc.

But I've never really had those dreams. While she was here, I enjoyed making cute bows for her hair. I loved dressing her--it was so fun to go through her clothes and decide what I'd put her in that day. I loved looking at all her cute little shoes and couldn't wait until she could wear some of them. I enjoyed finding crafts or sewing projects that I could eventually make for her.

But that's kind of where it stopped. The real dreams I have for my children don't require a certain sex to come to fruition. All of my dreams are things that I can witness my boys doing. I dream of missions, temple marriages, kind, well-mannered children. I dream of college and children growing to be good parents. I dream of children that are faithful, serving in the church. Laila is waiting for us and I dream of helping my boys on this mortal journey to make good choices that will allow us to get back to her.

Perhaps if Laila was my first, my feelings would be different. As it is, I have three other children that continue to grow and provide the opportunity for me to still see my dreams come true. And I am grateful that my sister now gets the chance to have her dreams come true as well.

Ah, to be a boy

2011-09-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

My boys have been participating in very boy-like activities lately. First up: The Zip line! Ever since Mike and I went on a Zip line on our vacation in Virginia, the boys have been asking to try it out. On Labor Day they got their wish. We went to a park with some friends for Labor Day and one of the dad's is a special ops guy. He set up this zip line for all the kids to go on. They loved it. I couldn't believe how patient all the kids were waiting their turn. It was awesome and the boys had so much fun.

Eli was just goofy the whole time, wiggling and giggling the entire way down.

I thought Isaac would be scared but he didn't seem scared at all.

Will was a little scared at first but he had to hang here for awhile before he went down the line.
Next up: We are putting sod in our backyard this weekend. Right now our yard is a huge dirt pit. Isaac and Eli had so much fun making the dirt pit a mud pit. It kept them busy for quite awhile until I had to send them in the shower before we picked Will up from the bus stop--such a muddy mess!

And finally: I'm trying to devote at least two mornings a week to doing learning activities with Eli. I thought something about pirates would be fun. We learned about the letter P and made a pirate ship, a pirate P, and had a treasure hunt. (You can find pictures of those activities on my other blog when I get around to posting them) We waited for the treasure hunt until Isaac got home because I was sure they would have fun doing that together. Later this week we are going to read books about Pirates and hopefully make a pirate puppet (thanks Pinterest!).

Isaac gives his best Pirate face
Looking at the map...

Digging for treasure and finally, enjoying the treasure (brought to you by Aunt Lindsey--P.S. Lindsey, I took a video for you of them opening the package you sent--I'll try and post it later).

It must be so fun to be a boy!

What we did in August

2011-09-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

August was a busy month for us. Since my pictures posted backwards just know that the photos showing first actually happened at the end of the month.

So, I'm totally unoriginal and steal ideas from people all the time. These pictures are from my craft room that I am working on. I painted the wall gray but it looks kind of purple in different lights...not what I was aiming for but I'm not going to change the color at this point. The wall hangings were an idea from my friend Kristi. It was such an easy, great idea. The pink one used to be going up and down but Mike felt it wasn't tight enough so he fixed it but in doing so, put the fabric in pointing sideways. I'm going to leave it that way until it bugs me too much and then I'll consider changing it.

Then I made these felt balls (I posted the beginning of the yellow one on a previous post). They took forever. I decided I needed a project to keep my mind off of things after Laila died. I bought the materials the week after the funeral and just finished them. Thankfully, my mom came and helped finish them.
Speaking of my mom coming...she came for a visit. I loved it. She wrote about the visit here (and she posted more pictures of the craft room). My mom is such a busy lady. Mike's mom is too. I love it because when one of them come I just put them to work. My mom helped me organize the craft room, wash and fold laundry, made her famous pizza, helped me hang these hooks seen in the picture below, and just talked and talked to me. I loved it. Kids always need their moms no matter how old they get.
We had a high priest group get together. We actually ended up being the only younger couple there and there was only one other person with a kid there. But, the pool was pretty much empty so the boys got full reign of the pool. I didn't get very good pictures of the kids swimming because I was in the pool swimming with them. They had such a great time even though they were the only kids. They all love to swim.

Eli and I have spent a lot of time together. I tried painting the craft room while he did his own painting but that only lasted like five minutes. But he follows me around and we play in the basement or go to the park or have a play date or go for a walk, or his favorite...do a craft. He loves to do little crafts.

Some friends invited us to go to a pick your own fruit farm. There weren't any apples to pick but we got some raspberries and some blackberries. It was pretty hot that day but the drive to the farm was nice and the boys really enjoyed picking the berries.

Last up, though it really happened first, we bought a pass to the zoo. We hardly ever went to the zoo in Ohio. Every time we went I got lost and it was just such a pain and really expensive. This zoo is only about 30 minutes away so I thought it would be worth it. The boys loved feeding the giraffes. I think their tongues are nasty but the boys love feeding them and they really are cool creatures.
So, that was our month.

Grateful

2011-09-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

We still do not have a headstone for Laila. I hate thinking about her spot having a bunch of dead flowers there and nothing else to honor her so we printed off pictures and laminated them, then stuck them in the ground. We also bought some beautiful flowers for her.
We visited her when my mom was here, on the anniversary of the day she was buried. On the drive there we saw a beautiful rainbow...perhaps a message from Laila? I don't know, but it was beautiful and made me think of her.
Today Laila would have been 4 months old. It's been a really hard month. Obviously. I've felt the entire range of emotions--anger, jealousy, despair, happiness, peace, hope.

There is a lot to be grateful for though.

1. I didn't have to see Laila struggle. As far as I know, she died peacefully. The not knowing is hard...I wish I had been there to hold her as she took her last breath, but I'm so thankful that I didn't have to see her in pain. I'm confident that someone, perhaps a relative that already passed away, was there to meet her and help her make the transition back to her home above.

2. I'm thankful for answered prayers. Things have happened this month that could only be made better through the power of the priesthood and through the many prayers that have been offered on our behalf. (As a side note, I'm also grateful for the very simple prayers that are answered. Isaac couldn't find his homework and was very concerned his teacher would get him in trouble. He kept asking Will, "What is it like when your teacher gets you in trouble?" Then he asked me if he could just stay home that day. We prayed that she would be nice to him and I wrote her a little note. He was so nervous walking into class! But of course, she was very kind to him and it turned out that another student had somehow gotten his homework and put it in her bag--so of course he couldn't find his homework!)

3. I'm thankful for friends both old and new. We have felt strengthened and loved. I have decided that I have the best people in my life imaginable and I'm so thankful for the friendships I have made.

4. I'm thankful for forgiveness--that I can give it and also that I can receive it. I've prayed that Heavenly Father will help me be a better friend and I know through effort, I can.

5. I have the best family in the world. Really, the best.

6. I'm thankful for strangers who made us meals for two weeks straight. I already knew it, but now I'm reminded, that there are good people everywhere, regardless of their faith. Heavenly Father inspires people that will listen. One woman went to the grocery store to get some ingredients for a particular meal. While there, she had a thought, "I should buy double the amount." She didn't know why she was doing it but she did it anyway. When she got home she found a message from a friend telling her that someone in Colorado Springs lost a baby and would she be willing to make a meal? Of course, it suddenly made sense to her why she needed to buy extra ingredients.

7. I'm thankful for my time with Eli.

8. I am so thankful for my Mikey. I read One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish, to the boys this morning. In the book it says,

We like our bike.

It is made for three.

Our Mike sits up in back, you see.

We like our Mike

and this is why:

Mike does all the work

when the hills get high.

It rings true for my Mike. Even in his own suffering, he is still pushing us uphill, to brighter days and a better future. (I like to think though, that we are both pushing things along. That is mostly true, but I'm thankful that during my weakness, he is pushing me, urging me forward).

9. I'm thankful for the kind detective that allowed me to cut Laila's hair, even though she wasn't supposed to, so that I could have something of her forever.

10. I'm thankful that even though it's horrible she's gone, Heavenly Father is loving enough to take Laila home so she wouldn't have to endure the pain and evil of this world. While we are sad for ourselves, we believe what Joseph Smith said concerning infants, “We have again the warning voice sounded in our midst, which shows the uncertainty of human life; and in my leisure moments I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us, especially those that seem to be the most intelligent and interesting. The strongest reasons that present themselves to my mind are these: This world is a very wicked world; and it … grows more wicked and corrupt. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again. …

There is more to be thankful for but those stand out in my mind right now. In thinking about how we can honor Laila's life and spirit, we have decided to do a family service project every month of the year. On the anniversary of her death, we want to write the acts of service on pieces of paper and put them in balloons. We will then release the twelve balloons to celebrate her and her life. We invite anyone that wants to participate, to do so. If you'd like to just do service, we would appreciate that. If you'd like to do service and keep track of them and join us to release balloons (or do it on your own if you don't live by us) we would appreciate that as well. Mostly, we just want to invite a feeling of service into our lives and the lives of those around us, as we consider the service Laila has done for our family just by being a part of it.

Reminders

2011-08-30T08:51:00.000-07:00

On Saturday morning I heard the boys making noises (when it's a school day I wake up before them but on weekends they usually wake before me). I think in my not quite awake state, I recognized they were in Laila's room.

I really wasn't awake yet so I instantly dreamed that I was getting up and going into her room to get her. I imagined seeing the same thing I saw every morning since she started smiling. I'd walk into her room and say, "Good morning baby!" and I'd look down at her and she'd give me a huge smile--her own "Good morning Mommy."

I felt a real surge of happiness. Oh, I love that baby girl.

And then there was a knock on the door and I opened my eyes and realized it was not real. There was no Laila crying out for me. I think it hurts me that she doesn't need me anymore. I can't do anything for her. Now, I'm the one that needs her.

My Mom described what it was like when her mom died. She said right after my grandma passed away she felt her all the time, then eventually she didn't feel her very much anymore. A few other people have described it that way too so I figured that would happen to me as well but I didn't realize it would happen this quickly.

When she first passed away I felt her near (or at least others that have passed on if it wasn't her). It was a strange juxtaposition actually. I felt such intense, horrible pain, deeper than any I've ever felt and then almost immediately following I'd feel such hope, and peace. I think perhaps there were unseen spirits there lifting me.

But, I don't feel that quite so much anymore. I guess the intensity of the pain isn't as deep either though.

The weekend she died she was sleeping in the closet in the pack-n-play so that her cousin could sleep in her crib. One month later, the pack-n-play is in the exact spot it was when she last slept in it. Today I went to hang clothes up in the closet and thought, "Adrianne, really, this is ridiculous. You can't get in here. You should take the pack-n-play down."

And then I turned and walked out of the closet, leaving the pack-n-play exactly where it was.

It just seems like there are so many reminders that she isn't here anymore and I feel like I am having to make effort after effort to keep her around. For one, I bought a locket to keep her hair in and I keep a blanket she slept with buried under another pile of blankets hoping to keep her scent on it longer. Her car seat still sits in the living room.

I told Mike I didn't want our house to become some creepy shrine, and I don't think it is, but part of me just wants her around still and since I can't feel her as easily, I guess I'm just reaching for anything to remind me of her.

My mom came to visit and brought pictures she took at the graveside ceremony. I've decided that for now, I don't want to post pictures of that day on here. Maybe someday I will but I'm not sure I can yet. I wanted them however, to put in a scrapbook my friend made me. But, I am going to post this one picture. When this picture popped up I groaned, "Do I really still look that pregnant?" (Is it any surprise? Of course I do...I always look like this when I'm done having a baby).

But then I looked at it again and now I love the picture for the same reason I can't take the pack-n-play down and can't wash her blanket or put the car seat away--it reminds me of Laila. I remember that I gave Laila her perfect body and for the first time in my life I am grateful for my post-pregnancy bump.

More, from Eli

2011-08-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a hard day (none of them are easy days but some are easier and some are hard). Yesterday fit in the hard category.

I actually had a really fantastic time with Eli.

And therein lies the problem. I am so conflicted.

In 2009 I wrote this post about our stroller breaking. It wasn't really about our stroller. I wrote it to express my sadness at things changing, at the boys growing and wanting more independence. I wrote to Isaac, to tell him that it was OK to take change slowly, that we would do it together.

Isaac learned how to ride his bike. In fact, he is really good at riding bikes and has moved on from training wheels. He's on to bigger and better things. I found a way to move on too, to let change into our lives. A year after that post, I remember another walk we took as a family. My children were riding their bikes, Mike was walking next to me with the dog, and I was lamenting yet another change to happen in our family. We were discussing seriously the possibility of having another baby. I distinctly remember thinking, "But things are so good now. Why do we have to change things?" But it was time and I knew it was time so I opened my self to change and just as always happens, it was good--fantastic, fulfilling, and right.

Now Laila is gone and I can't help but think about that walk and that conversation I had with myself. Now our lives are back to the way we were before she came. When she was first born, I found myself in some silly situations where I forgot to bring a diaper bag--I was just so used to walking out the door without anything. There were at least two times when I had no diaper and a seriously poopy baby. Now we are back to leaving the house with no diapers. The kids are all potty trained, they all get themselves dressed. Two of the three go to school and the mornings are all quiet and easy.

And it's not supposed to be that way.

Yesterday found Eli and me at a fun, new park close to Isaac's school. We spent a great time racing each other down the slides, pushing Eli on the swings, going for a walk around the park, and helping Eli climb the rock wall. He was beyond happy. He just kept saying, "I love being with you." My heart was so happy to spend time with him too.

The ache for Laila was there but my happiness for Eli was there too.

And then Eli asked, "Mom, why does Heavenly Father want to take babies away from their mommy's and daddy's and their families?" I tried to explain as best I could that Laila was perfect and that Heavenly Father took her back so that she didn't have to be tested and live on this imperfect and sometimes unhappy world. His next question shows that he doesn't understand that one single bit, "Well, what if I changed this world? What if I gave her all our toys and we played all happy music for her? Then she would be happy and He would let her stay with us."

It's hard to have these discussions with Eli (they happen every day and the questions are always similar) because I know why Laila was taken from us but part of me wants to say, "You're right, Eli. I don't know why Heavenly Father wanted to take her from us. Wasn't our house happy enough? Didn't we love her enough?" But I know that's not true. I know that's not why she is gone. I know that even if Will made that time machine he keeps talking about to go back in time and figure out what happened to her so he could change it and fix it and stop her from dying, something else would happen. Heavenly Father would still take her from us.

So I just pushed Eli on the swings higher, and listened to him sing, "Heavenly Father didn't want Laila to stay with us, so he took her. Why did he take her?"

Then we came home and I got in the shower and cried.

And I'm conflicted. I'm conflicted because I miss Laila and I love my boys. I'm trying to give them all my love and attention when I can. I'm trying to appreciate this time I have with Eli where my attention is completely his. I'm trying to appreciate the ease of our lives as far as going places and doing things.

But this isn't how things are supposed to be right now. This was not part of the plan. I'm not supposed to be at the park at 8:15 AM pushing Eli on the swings. I'm supposed to be rushing home from Isaac's school, pulling a crying baby out of the car seat to feed her and put her down for a nap.

I feel like I'm being untrue to Eli and untrue to Laila. If I appreciate him fully and all the time I have with him, I feel untrue to her and if I mourn her absence then I'm being untrue to him. I know Laila would want me to be happy and to be the best mother possible to Eli and I am trying. I hope one day when he grows up and reads this he will say, "I had no idea mom felt like this. All I knew is that she loved her time with me and we had so much fun together."

I'm not sure why I was doing this but I was trying to find someone who understood what I was feeling and I did a search on the internet, trying to find a blog or something to read that described my feelings. Instead, my search led me to a video on youtube of a baby who died of SIDS. The creator of the video had written things like, "This is unfair. We don't deserve this pain."

I had to stop the video early because I realized that she didn't feel the way I did, she didn't understand what I understand. I felt so much pain for her because I realize her pain is worse than mine. We do deserve this pain because we chose this pain. Life is fair because we are promised everything will be made up to us. We chose to be tested, we chose to accept what God would give us. Right now I wish this wasn't the trial God thought I needed in my life but, it is, and I'm willing to accept it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to trudge through the hard days, hoping for more easy ones, and enjoying the time I get with Eli. I'm telling myself that Laila wants me to spend time with Eli, free from guilt that I'm truly enjoying myself.

Heroes

2011-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of talk of heroes in our house. Power Rangers, Batman, Spider Man, etc. Pretty much a day doesn't go by that the boys don't talk about some kind of hero or how they are or will be some kind of hero.

I've got heroes on the brain. So, I want to talk about MY heroes. One of the things I didn't like about this house was that there was no pantry. That is a thing of the past however, because I now have this super fantastic pantry. It was kind of irritating at times because of some stinky inspector. It was also kind of a headache, literally, because all the banging kept Laila up as the pantry is below her room.

The weekend my brother came he helped put up drywall and mud (dude, I'm totally talking about stuff I don't know anything about so if I write something that doesn't make sense it's because I don't really know what I'm talking about).

Then when Laila passed away my entire family, and most of Mike's family converged on our house. They got to work finishing the pantry. My oldest (wisest, smartest, most handsome) brother helped texture.

(other brothers: I'm just throwing out compliments here--tomorrow you can be the wisest, smartest, most handsome)

Then Mike's dad helped finish it. He did a lot of work. Mike and his dad woke up at 7 and worked straight until 11PM.

The only things missing from this pantry is my brother Jess' shorts hidden inside the wall and some organization. The pantry is awesome and I love having it. So, my heroes are my brothers and Mike's dad. And of course the superest hero of them all is Mike.

Thanks for making my pantry, honey.

Will starts school

2011-08-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

Will started school on Wed. He was excited, but also a little nervous. There is a little girl in his class that he is friends with at church so he I think that gave him a little more courage. He begged me to let him ride the bus so every morning I walk him down to the bus stop at 7:20. It's such a bummer that his bus comes twenty minutes after he normally wakes us. I was hoping the boys would sleep in this morning since it was the weekend but their bodies have already adjusted to the new wake up time of 6:30 (6:00 for me and Mike) and they were up bright and early this morning. With a new wake up time comes a new bedtime and these boys have been going to bed around 7ish. It's strange to be back in school now. I drop Will off at the bus stop and then we come home and get in the van to take Isaac to school. His school starts at 8:15. Then it's just me and Eli for a few hours. It's very strange. Eli seems to be loving having my attention so that makes me happy. He's been my little buddy.

Visitors

2011-08-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

The weekend Laila passed away, my brother and his wife and kids came to visit. We had such a great time together. We loved having them here. Because of everything that happened, I never got pictures posted.

I think Abby might have won the bubble blowing contest, but it was a close contest.
Leah and Isaac partnered up and Abby and Will partnered up to see who could build the longest wall.

More bubble blowing contest. Eli is pronouncing himself the winner here.
Blowing away
Laila loved being carried in the wrap.

This is my boy's favorite part of the park besides the swings.
Waiting patiently for their ice cream
Hiking at the Garden of the Gods

Look how sweet Lauren is. She has to be one of the cutest little girls in creation. I love this picture of her holding Laila.

Conversations

2011-08-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

I went to check on the boys the other night--night time has been a problem at our house since Laila passed away--and found Will in his bed looking pretty upset. I asked him what was wrong and he started crying and said, "I can hear Eli snoring so I know he is still alive but I can't hear Isaac at all. I was worried so I got out of my bed and put my ear close to his face to see if I could hear him and I can't. I think he is dying."

How can someone so little be expected to go through something so big?

I told him it was OK, that both his brothers were breathing and they weren't going to die. I asked him if he was afraid in his room and he said, "Well, yes. I'm afraid to be on the top bunk by myself." I told him he could sleep with one of his brothers if he would like and he said, "No, what if I'm sleeping in the same bed and they die?"

I assured him again that they were not going to die and that he would be safe in his room and we said a prayer where I called on Heaven for help to keep my children safe, happy, and unafraid.

The boys are dealing with the loss of Laila in very different ways. Eli seems the least touched by it, though he talks about Laila dying almost daily. He said, "What if I jumped so high over the car that I reached up to heaven and grabbed Laila and brought her back?" We told him she was a spirit and he couldn't grab her. He then said, "Well, what if I got a sticker then. That could work."

I'm not sure who is struggling with Laila's passing the most--Will or Isaac. Not surprising, Will is very vocal about his feelings. Isaac, on the other hand, is not. He is getting better at opening up to us but he says quite often, "I'm just crying on the inside, not the outside." The other night at bedtime he started crying. He said he was so sad that he never got to see Laila roll over and that just daddy saw her. He said he missed her happy squeals in the bath too and that he missed her.

I asked, "Isaac, do you know how sometimes you find me in her room writing in my journal? Do you know why I go in there to write? I go in there because I feel peace in there. Sometimes I think I feel her there. I think that you could feel peace in there too. I think that if you pray and ask Heavenly Father to let you feel her spirit in that room, that He will let you feel her. I think she loves you and your brothers very much--that you were best friends in the pre-existence and that she wanted to come to our family so she could be with you. And I think she will want to visit you."

The next morning I walked by her room and noticed the door had been opened but no one was in it. I went downstairs to find Isaac and Eli already awake. I said, "Isaac, I noticed Laila's door is opened. Did you go in her room?" He beamed at me and said, "Yeah, I went in with Eli." I asked him if he felt good while in there and he said, "Yes! And guess what? I felt something in my heart. I think it was her hair tickling me." Then later, he added more when he was talking to Mike. He said, "I think I also felt her little fingers poking my heart and I think she was kicking me in my tummy just like she always did when she was alive. And I heard her squeal."

Since then, I've found the boys in her room almost every morning. Sometimes they are all there and sometimes just Isaac and sometimes they all just come in while I'm writing in my journal.

When I first found out we were having a girl I got excited to decorate her room. I had ideas for how her room should look before we ever moved to this house. I felt anxious to get it done and it was the first room finished. I was stressing about all the stuff I had to do and I think Mike was confused about why I was so determined to get it done so quickly. I couldn't figure it out myself. But now, I wonder if Laila wanted this room--if I was supposed to get it done quickly so she could enjoy it for those few short months. Perhaps it brought her peace too, and hopefully, it is still a place she wants to be so those of us left behind can go there and seek her presence and find comfort.

Even if it's not true, I like to believe it.

Trying to keep life normal

2011-08-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

When we were in the hospital with Laila, I remember commenting to Mike that we couldn't let this consume us because she was gone and the three boys were still here. It's really hard some days not to let this consume us. Some days we don't want to do anything and we just feel a thick layer of gloom and sadness in everything we do. However, life has to move on for us and for these boys in particular. We are trying hard to keep life as normal as possible and keeping busy is a good way to keep our minds lifted, though, Laila is never away from our thoughts. The other day the boys came in the room when I was crying and said, "Why is mom crying?" I was grateful that at least they weren't saying, "Mom's crying again." So, in an attempt to keep life happy and busy for the boys here is what we've been up to:

We made glurch while Isaac was at school. It was super messy and not as good a recipe as another one I've made but easy and fun nonetheless.

My sister-in-law made these adorable felt balls she hung from her ceiling in her daughter's room and I loved them so I stole her idea and thought they might look cute in the craft room. It's taking me FOREVER. Only after I started did I realize that she used much bigger pieces of felt--I should have paid more attention because those would have been so much faster! Here is Mike posing with the unfinished ball. This is how we feel lately.
Mike bought four fruit trees so we had those delivered this week and planted them.

The boys looking for worms...
Eli thought it was fun to measure rocks and sticks in the back yard. Oh, and Isaac thought it would be fun to throw rocks in the road--and hit a car driving down the street! He ran inside crying his eyes out saying, "I hit a car on accident. I said sorry and sorry and sorry. Man, Dad is going to get me in so, so, so much trouble." The lady pulled over and asked Will to go get us so she could tell us that he threw the rock. We offered to pay for any damages but she graciously declined. Ugh. Why must boys play with rocks all the time and why can't they keep them on the ground while playing with them?!
Mike thought making truffles would be good. They turned out Ok. We need to try them again but the boys enjoyed rolling the truffles with Mike.

And finally, we went to visit Laila. It was sad.

A lilac tree for Laila

2011-08-06T16:21:00.000-07:00

In college Mike and I were friends with a girl named Laila (I was her visiting teacher and she actually had a momentary crush on Mike). She was such a little dainty girl and she was sweet and interesting. I loved her name from the minute I heard it. Mike liked it too and we decided that if we ever had a girl we would name her Laila. When we found out we were having a girl we had other names we liked, Piper being the top of our list. We had decided we would name her Piper but when she came out we both tried calling her Piper and Laila kept coming out instead. So, Laila it was and even though we knew people would want to call her Layla because of the way her name was spelled we liked the Laila (think Thailand) spelling better. We thought long and hard about a middle name. I wrote about it already on a previous post. Mike said he liked virtue names and I thought that was pretty dang cheesy but the more I thought about it the more Faith came to mind. Every time I thought of a middle name, faith popped into my head. I considered the amount of faith required of me that year leading to her birth and felt it was appropriate.

I buy journals for my children when they are born. I try to write in them once or twice a month. Before Laila died I had only one entry in her journal. This is part of what I wrote:

"I chose to give you the name 'faith' because it took a lot of faith to get you here. I wanted you to know about my faith, that I have faith in God, and His plan for each of us, regardless of the challenges we go through to accomplish that plan. I want you to have faith your entire life. Your Daddy blessed you with the gift of faith during your baby blessing and I hope you will always strive to have it."

Now, that entry seems ironic. But I still believe what I wrote--that there is a plan, that that plan brings pain, and that there is joy to be had. Right now the joy is hard to feel but I believe it is there, that there are rewards in store and that they are eternal.

I am reminded of an excert from my one of my favorite talks:

"To any who may be struggling to see that light and find that hope, I say: Hold on. Keep trying. God loves you. Things will improve. Christ comes to you in His “more excellent ministry” with a future of “better promises."

...nothing could break His faith in His Father’s plan or His Father’s promises. Even in those darkest hours at Gethsemane and Calvary, He pressed on, continuing to trust in the very God whom He momentarily feared had forsaken Him.

Because Christ’s eyes were unfailingly fixed on the future, He could endure all that was required of Him, suffer as no man can suffer except it be “unto death,”¹¹as King Benjamin said, look upon the wreckage of individual lives and the promises of ancient Israel lying in ruins around Him and still say then and now, “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”¹²How could He do this? How could He believe it? Because He knows that for the faithful, things will be made right soon enough. He is a King; He speaks for the crown; He knows what can be promised.

In memory of Laila we planted a Lilac bush. My mom took these beautiful pictures for Laila's room and my favorite one was from a Lilac bush. At the time I didn't realize that was a Lilac flower.

My mother-in-law said that the bush should flower every year around her birthday. I'm so excited to have a beautiful bush right by my front porch to remind me of my beautiful Laila. We plan on planting a Lilac bush every where we live.

Isaac started school!!

2011-08-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

Man, this boy is one handsome boy.

My sweet Isaac started kindergarten today. Amazing. I was so nervous for him--and so excited for him as well. He was excited too. He told me he would wake me up in the morning so we wouldn't be late--he is an early bird! I was awake already when he came in this morning and he was just beaming. Will still has two more weeks before his school starts and I'm actually happy that Isaac got to start earlier than Will because I think it makes Isaac's special day even more special. I'm glad that Isaac gets to have his moment where we all get to focus our attention on his important day.

We went in to talk to his teacher last week so we could tell her what happened and have her be aware of the situation. She seems like she will be such a great teacher. She asked me to bring him in on Monday so she spend some extra time with him and show him the class and get to know him. She told him that he was going to be her special helper today and I think that made him really happy.

I wasn't sure what to do about the full day kindergarten at Will's school and prayed and fasted about what to do--do I hold him back? send him to full day anyway? homeschool? It was a miracle that I found this charter school that had half day that had openings still. Now I see that it was another tender mercy because I can't imagine being home with just me and Eli for the next two years. It would be awfully lonely for us both. Now we have another year together for at least a few hours before I have to let go of my babies. I need them near me right now.

Life moves on

2011-08-03T07:24:00.001-07:00

I get on the blog or facebook and see that life for everyone is still moving on and normal. It just seems all wrong to me. I know that this is our tragedy and ours to deal with but it just seems like I'm living some other life, not my own, and I will wake up to realize it was a really, really bad dream. And yet, our life moves on out of necessity as well. Laila and the love I have for her and the circumstances surrounding her death are too sacred for me to write about on such a public forum. And so, I've decided to write about the majority of my feelings elsewhere. While it seems wrong entirely to post about the every day happenings of our lives, I feel this blog is more appropriate for those types of posts. And I have a lot of posts to catch up on. Even though there is grief to be felt, there are also other events that bring joy and I need to document those things for my family.

Our Laila

2011-07-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

A little over a year ago I made a binder filled with general conference talks that I love. I have used this binder many times to give me added strength and comfort. One talk in particular has meant a lot to me this year. It's a talk by President Monson called Be of Good Cheer. In the talk, he tells of a story of a women who makes an almost impossible trek with her children. In the process she loses her children to starvation or extreme cold, one by one. She buries them with nothing more than a tablespoon and her fingers. Every time I've read the talk this past year, and it's been often, I've sobbed as I've imagined what it was like for her to bury each of her children. I always found strength from the talk knowing that at least I didn't have to bury my own children, and went on with my life with a renewed desire to shoulder my burdens a little better, with a more grateful heart.

I never imagined that a year later I would bury my own child.

One week ago today we put Laila down for a nap after church and she never woke up.

It has been a torturous week for our family. It has been a week of tender mercies--a week where the Lord's hand has been present in our lives. We have felt lifted by the prayers of our friends and family and know that our burdens have been a little lighter because they have been shared by others.

I made a comment to someone at the viewing that this is the worst thing I could ever experience. But I was wrong. I recognize that the worst thing to happen would be if one of my children, through choices of their own, died without their hearts turned towards God. I know that Laila is mine forever and I will do all I can to be with her again and teach my children to make those choices that will lead them back to her again.

Two rooms mostly done

2011-07-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I've posted lots of pictures of Laila's room already. But it's had little finishing touches to do and now it's mostly done and there have been requests to see it. So here are the other pictures of the room.

This is one of the beautiful quilts that was made for me/Laila. All my dear friends at the baby shower designed and decorated their own square. I love it and the colors are perfect for the room.
Another picture of the tree
Here is one of the fabric flowers I made and put on the tree. I want to make three more. I have white, yellow, cream, and white/yellow flowers.
Another view of the room
One of my favorite parts of the room are these framed flowers. My mom takes these gorgeous photos and she took these. I love them. They are a perfect touch for the room.
I'm putting a butterfly mobile right above her bed in this corner.

Now, on to the boy's room.

Mike and I were given these missionary post cards from some really good friends of ours in Oklahoma. I love them. I decided to use some of those post cards to make a missionary room.

This first picture shows some shadow boxes I found at Goodwill. I put Mike's name tag in one and the one on the top (the empty one) will have a little plane in it when I get time to look for one. They also have some navy blue curtains that I need to hang.
I made these pictures of all the places the boy's grandpa's and uncles (and Mike of course) went on missions. The little stars show where they went.
Here is a sample of some of the postcards. Love them.
Oh, this picture is out of order....Look below to see what it is.
Here we go. I painted a growth chart on the wall. It didn't turn out as well as I had hoped but it will do for now. I made these little missionary name tags for each boy to put on the wall for how tall they are.
Here is another picture of their hooks.
Ignore the pack-n-play in this picture--Laila has been napping in their room because they are the only room with the window unit and our house if super hot upstairs during the day. Anyway, I want to paint or get vinyl to up on the side of the legs that says, "When I have grown a foot or two."
Right above the blue dresser I plan on painting a black plaque that says, "Elder Richards. I hope they call me on a mission."
There we go. I've been working hard. I might take a break though. I like painting but I think I'll wait to paint my room, the craft room, and the bathrooms. In the meantime, my brother and his family are coming tomorrow and we are very excited for our visitors!

Laila and Isaac

2011-07-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

Today I had to take Laila and Isaac into the doctor for their check-ups. Isaac was so funny. He was so talkative and kept saying funny, random things. Today he chose to stay home with me while Will and Eli went to their friend's house down the street. I was so happy to have him stay with me. I got him markers and paper and let him draw. He drew cute little pictures--turtle resting under some shade, me and him on the beach, an alien space ship landing, diamond, and some flowers. Such a cute boy. He got measured and weighed today. He is in the 50th percentile for height and the 1oth percentile for weight--such a skinny boy. He was 43 inches tall and 35 lbs.

Laila also got weighed and measured. She was 10 lbs 14 oz and 24 and 3/4 inches tall. That puts her at 50th percentile for weight and 97th percentile for height! It must be from my tall brothers. Everyone comments on how long she looks. She is such a sweet baby. She is loving her baths lately. She is also finally getting to be a little happier when I put her down and will stare at her mobile on the swing. It's nice. Her medicine for the reflux seems to be helping quite a bit--I'm so thankful for it!

I'm really happy with my kiddos right now. Each of them make me so thankful to be a mother.

So far this month

2011-07-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

I've made progress on Laila's room. It's been so rewarding to me to see it all come together. I actually love her room. I have more to do in there but not a lot--mainly hanging a few more pictures and hanging up a little shelf. I think my favorite part about the room is that it's made me stretch my self in my talents and it has so many personal touches from family and friends in the room. The curtains are a first for me. I've never made curtains before. I had some from Eli's room that we aren't using now and used that as my pattern. I'm so proud of myself! And then, the cute little fabric flowers on the tree, that took awhile but was fun and I think makes a cute little addition to the tree. I'll try and get better pictures of those later.

Now that Laila's room is getting close to finished, I started some on the boy's room. Here was my quick project. I found the hooks at Hobby Lobby on clearance for $1.20 each and then just printed off pictures of each boy and modge podged them on. Later, I'll actually paint their room and hang up some other decorations. One thing at a time! Mike is almost done with the pantry and I'm so excited to have a walk-in pantry. Go Mike!
Mike has had the van this past week so we have been stuck at home. I tried walking to the park with the boys but we were there for only ten minutes and it started to storm so we had to leave. The boys are getting restless being stuck at our house with no friends so I tried to think of something fun to do with them this week. We had a little Luau. We made little leis and then made a tropical dessert that no one liked (where's the love?!) and then played a few games--limbo and pin the coconut on the palm tree. To end the night, we danced to Island music. The boys looked forward to it all day...Mike hoped we would forget...all day.

And to round out our post, we had a great 4th of July. This park is about 15 minutes away. It's so cool to have this in our backyard. How lucky are we? We drove to The Garden of the Gods and did a nice little stroll (Will kept saying he wanted to hike a mountain--maybe next time). When we got back from the park it was already dark so Mike and the boys climbed on the roof--the not steep part--and watched the fireworks. Fireworks were supposed to be banned here because of fire threats so we didn't buy any sparklers or anything but we were grateful there were others willing to break the law so we could enjoy watching them!

That rounds up our month so far!

P.S.

2011-07-05T15:23:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like I conveyed all I'm feeling about Laila (of course not, can words every convey every thing you feel?).

I wanted to add that while those dislikes in the last post are lengthy she really is such a blessing in our family. I mentioned briefly in the last post that she is better than her brothers and for those of you that know me you know that I am doing better than I was with her brothers. Her brothers were so difficult and on top of that, I was depressed.

It is such a stark contrast to me this time around. She is so similar in so many ways but I feel so much happier this time. I always loved her brothers but I feel I have so much more to give this time around.

There are days when I struggle and get tired of holding her all day or hate listening to her cry or frustrated with the increased demands on my time but my ability to handle each thing is magnified.

Laila is a gift to me. I had prayed a lot about various things that occurred to our family this year and most of those prayers were answered with a negative but so far the prayer that is a positive is that I have been blessed to be happier.

I used to think, "Why do women like newborns?" but the more I am around other women and their babies, I recognize that they just have very different experiences than I do. Some have it worse...Now that I am not depressed, I think, "This is why we keep having them. This is why women love newborns."

So, things with Laila will get better and knowing how awesome her brothers are considering their start, I'm excited to see how Laila will be in a few months.

An update on Laila

2011-07-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

On our trip home from Utah Laila really struggled. She had a hard week, being thrown off her normal schedule, as much schedule as a two month old has. She started displaying the same symptoms all her brothers had and they got worse as the week went on. The drive home from Utah went well other than the fact that she cried about eight and a half of the ten hours it took us to get home. She was a sad, sad baby. She doesn't have a doctor yet here in Colorado so we were able to get permission to take her to an urgent care the following day and the doctor agreed to give her medicine for reflux. Since then she is doing much better. She is very much like her brothers, though easier in a lot of ways. Perhaps the best thing is that I don't feel depressed this time around so I can handle her much better than I did her brothers. Since she still doesn't have a doctor (hopefully this week) she hasn't had her well baby check up yet but they did weigh her with her diaper and clothes on and weighed 10 lbs 14 oz. She mainly just seems super long to me. Anyway, she is two months now and has some distinct likes and dislikes. Here they are:

Dislikes:

1. She used to take a bottle but is now fighting me on that.

2. She hates her swing and hates her bouncy seat.

3. She hates her car seat.

4. She refuses to sleep in the car (refer to number 3).

5. She wants to be held any time she is awake.

6. Her reflux makes her fussy, spit up a lot, grunt a lot, have hic ups a lot, etc.

7. If we mess with her morning nap (or any nap for that matter) she will be fussy the rest of the day and stay awake the rest of the day

8. She often stays awake up to six hours at a time (refer to number 7)

9. She won't take a pacifier

10. She is not sure she likes her bath or not--she hates being cold so dislikes getting undressed and getting out of the water.

11. She does not sleep well on her back.

12. She's very jumpy about noises

13. She is unsure about her brothers (it could be the way they love on her though....)

She does have things that she likes (or at least that I like about her or find interesting). They are:

1. She is ticklish.

2. She is cooing quite often now

3. She smiles at me and Mike a lot and sometimes for her brothers

4. She is growing more hair already and hasn't lost a lot if any as far as I can tell

5. She loves to be held looking out or laying across your arm.

6. She likes to be wrapped up to sleep.

7. She sleeps very well on her stomach.

8. She has a super strong neck.

9. She takes a fantastic nap (if left alone) in the morning--generally about three hours.

10. She usually sleeps a good solid six hours at night (probably because she stays awake for six hours during the day!).

11. She is very long and skinny

12. She is almost rolling over.

13. She is very much a momma's girl.

Laila isn't what I would call an easy baby but thankfully, she is easier than her brothers and I'm very thankful this reflux medicine is working for her. I'm also really thankful I don't have post-partum depression this time around because it has made everything easier for me. The boys continue to love her and fight over who gets to hold her and sit by her in the car. They are always looking for ways to make her happy. We are really happy to have this little girl in our home!

Utah

2011-06-30T08:42:00.000-07:00

We just got back from a week in Utah. It was so nice to be back with family and friends. I want to share pictures of our trip but before I get to that, I want to send a thank you to my talented sister Gillian for sprucing up my blog. Didn't she do a fantastic job? And, her job was made easier by the use of the awesome picture my talented brother Jess took of our family. And finally, a shout out to my husband for marrying me and making it possible to have such gorgeous children, which makes it easier for my brother to take an awesome picture of our family. It's a group effort!

And now for the pictures:

Hiking up Payson Canyon

A beautiful baby blessing for a beautiful baby

Camping on the front lawn with cousins and Uncle Adam (thanks again Adam, the boys LOVED it)

Photo session of baby Laila with Grandma and Aunt Gilly (they have better pictures than me but I don't have those yet)
Spending time with forever friends

An early birthday party for Isaac with his cousins complete with a cool Star Wars cake, a BBQ, and water activities.

Sneak Peak

2011-06-14T20:01:00.001-07:00

Here is a sneak peak of Laila's room. There is still a lot not done in her room but what I have done so far is making me happy.

The butterfly picture looks too high for me but Mike says it's just right. What do you think? Should I put it a little lower on the wall?

My favorite picture. It's so sweet and feminine. One of my dearest friends painted it for me, for Laila really, and I love it. I thought I had lost it during the move and I was distraught about it. But, lots of prayers later, I found it today in Isaac's scrapbook. Mike said he thinks he put it there to keep it flat so it wouldn't get ruined and then forgot. Phew. I hated the thought of losing it.

I just got the dresser done today...well, mostly done. I still need to put the handles on as you can see. Mike's mom gave us this dresser back in December (?) and Mike said it used to be his so I thought it would be the perfect little thing to pass on to Laila. Also, the crib is painted but Mike has to put it together for me.

That's all for now. As more gets done in the room, I'll post more pictures.

I'm so good with a drill

2011-06-10T15:56:00.000-07:00

I hung curtain rods yesterday for the first time. I'm super awesome with a drill. Actually, I'm pretty retarded with a drill and kept making dings in the wall but because our walls are all textured anyway, those dings look like they belong there.

This is our kitchen and family room. We also painted these walls the same color as the living room/dining room. The eating area in the kitchen had this weird, ugly bubble white light thingy that we hated so we changed that out for this nice light fixture. We also swapped out the light fixture over the sink for a nicer one. We also had to replace the garbage disposal in the sink.

What we'd still like to do in these rooms is build the pantry (I talked about that in the last post), put in some pendant lights in the kitchen over the island in place of the fluorescent light, and hang some pictures on the wall. I'd love to have a little area for the boys to hang their jackets and put their book bags but that will have to come later once the pantry is done and I have a better idea of what kind of room we'll have in the entry from the garage. Eventually, we'd love to replace the carpet and linoleum as well as change the faucet in the kitchen and get new counters. We can handle the faucet but we'll have to do some saving before we can afford to do the carpets and counters.

I hope you are all enjoying the tour of our home and all the commentary. Like I said in the last post, the other rooms are going to take longer to finish so I probably won't have pictures of them to post for awhile.

Oh...I will finish painting the crib tonight! That puts me one step closer to finishing Laila's room. I'm so excited about her room and just hope I can actually make it look the way it looks in my head. I want it to be super feminine but not cheesy. So far, I smile every time I walk by her room and see the color.

A little look at our house

2011-06-09T10:01:00.000-07:00

We've had some requests for pictures but I haven't put any up yet because we just have a lot of uncompleted projects and I didn't want to post pictures until they are done. However, we probably won't be done with them for awhile so I thought you might like to see what we've gotten done so far.

This is our dining room. We don't have a nice dining room table and we don't want carpet in our dining room so we decided to change it to a little reading area. It had a disgusting chandelier, exactly like the one in our house in Ohio. We took it down and Mike replaced it with a ceiling fan. We also painted this room and got the curtains hung and bought some new furniture. What we'd like to do in this room is get a big bookshelf to replace the mismatched ones we own (plus, we have a lot of books and hardly any of them fit in the bookshelves we have). We also want to get rid of that big, fat, ugly white pantry (more on that later in this post). We'd also like to take the carpet out and replace it with a hardwood floor. That probably won't happen for a long time.

This is our living room. We bought this furniture about two weeks ago on Craigslist. We also painted in here. Think frosty from Wendy's to get a good idea of what the color is. Some day I'd love to get rid of our glass table and end tables but for now, they are staying. I also need to paint that table with the green legs. That's another project that is low on my list.

Here's our front door. The actual door is red and super cute but with the screen in front of it you can't see it so I decided to put the "Welcome" on the screen instead.

This is the biggest project going on right now. Remember the white pantry in the dining room? That is there because this house has only a tiny pantry in the kitchen that is super skinny and really deep so it's pretty impossible to reach things in the back. I hardly has room for anything so Mike is building me a walk-in pantry right off the entry from the garage into the family room/kitchen. I hope it doesn't take too long because the mess and noise is going to drive me nuts. But, I'd rather have a mess so I can have a pantry than no mess at all and no pantry.
Mike let the boys "help"

This is what it currently looks like.

There are quite a few other projects to work on. I'm not even going to begin cleaning the mess in the extra/craft room. My bathtub is filled with boxes that need to be taken care of but can't be tackled until I have some kind of storage in my bathroom.

Laila's room is painted and I am IN LOVE with the color but I am not going to post pictures of her room until I have things put on the walls and stuff. Right now I am spending my "free" time painting her crib white and next I have to paint her dresser. Then, I might paint a tree on her wall.

The boys room, my room, the bathrooms, and the basement are all being left alone for now. Eventually, I will paint them and hang things on the wall and get some stuff to make the basement more inviting. And finally, all I need to do in the family room and kitchen are get some curtains up (maybe today?) and then I will post some pictures of those two rooms.

I also started working on pulling weeds in the yard this week and we were hoping to plant a square foot garden this year. However, by the time we get to that project it will be too late to plant anything. So, we might just build the raised bed and then do the planting next year.

As you can see, there is a lot to do and a lot going on. I feel better each day as we get one more area in our house done and I'm beginning to like our home more. It will be nice when it's all done but I'm afraid that isn't going to happen for a long time still. One day at a time.

Grandma and Grandpa visit!

2011-06-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

My parents came to see us this past week. They left early this morning--5:45 AM. It was so nice to see my parents. We've seen my parents a few times since we moved from Utah. I've been back for weddings and missions but we have only been back home as a family one time in six years. My mom came to visit when I lived in Oklahoma but my dad did not come with her. This is the first time we have had a visit with them where we could spend time one on one with them without having to share them with anyone else. The only thing that could have made this visit better was if we hadn't just moved. I would have preferred to have spent more time visiting and less time working. However, we did get to do some work and some playing so it was a great visit and we can't wait to see them again.

Before they got here we spent a lot of time trying to get our house presentable. We painted the entire downstairs (living room, dining room, family room, and kitchen). Mike replaced almost all the ugly light fixtures in the house with new ones. We bought some furniture for the living room and got most of the rooms livable.

While they were here we were able to get a few more projects started. Mike got the disposal changed and I got Laila's room painted with help from my mom. We also got some shelves put up and began painting the crib.

Besides the projects we got to play some too. We went to base to check out the Academy and then the next day we went to the Focus on the Family headquarters where they have a fun little play place for kids and then later went for a small hike at Garden of the Gods.

Sunday was just a nice, relaxed day spent at church and at home visiting. We loved having my parents here and I was sad to have to say goodbye this morning. I'm really happy we live so much closer now so that we can go home and visit.

Pictures from our visit:

Has anyone seen where I put (insert any household item here)? I can't seem to find it in all this junk.

2011-05-27T20:33:00.001-07:00

What you are about to see might look like it came straight from a Hoarders show.

Instead, it's just my house. And it makes my blood pressure rise.

I'm hoping to find homes for every thing in these pictures within a week, but I'm afraid that is wishful thinking. Once there is a spot for everything, I then need to actually organize that spot.

This week has been such a long week. We have literally been working our tail ends off and yet each night we go to bed and it seems like we've barely made a dent in all the things we have to do. We have spent the last two and a half days painting the downstairs. You might wonder why we are painting and not putting all that crap away you see in the pictures. Most of the stuff you see in those pictures are items that need to go in a pantry or a bookshelf or hung on a wall and it is much easier to move a bookshelf away from a wall when it is empty.

You might also wonder why it's taken two and a half days to paint.

Remember this little girl? She's not quite four weeks old. While she is easier than her brothers ever were, she is still not a perfect little angel baby (do they exist?) and she is getting to be a tad fussy. Just when I get going on painting or finding a spot for something that needs to be put away, she wakes up and needs to eat, or decides that she has to be held--right that minute.

(as a side note, she isn't a terrible sleeper but she seems to be bugged lately by something...gas, reflux, something I'm eating?....and just a few minutes after I lay her down she wakes up and gives this painful cry and I have to get her to sleep again. Last night I spent about two hours trying to get her to sleep for every two hours I slept myself).

Not only am I dealing with a newborn, but there are three other munchkins (who have been really, really fantastic overall) that need a snack or need a drink or need help finding clothes or need the sprinkler turned on so they can play in it, or, need to show me the cool trick they learned on their bike (Isaac learned to ride his bike all by himself in just a matter of days!!).

Plus, there are all the normal things that need to be done like washing the dishes, and doing the laundry, and making meals, and showering (which, I'm lucky to get most days but the boys on the other hand...lets just say they will get their first bath while being in this house tomorrow. Playing around in a broken hot tub is like a bath, isn't it?).

And Mike, bless his heart, has been helping me paint as well as installing lights and fixing the hot tub for the boys, and setting up all our services, and going into work for a few hours here and there. He starts officially on Monday and I'm super nervous about him leaving me. I'm not worried about handling four kids on my own--I'm nervous about handling four kids on my own in a new town, with a house that is in complete disarray, and so much still to do, with very little sleep--oh, and we currently only have one car.

I hope I can pull it all together, take a deep breath (which is hard to do here in Colorado Springs) and get through the next few months without losing my sanity.

Colorado Springs

2011-05-22T16:31:00.000-07:00

We are here now. We got to our house last night around 6 and bought sleeping bags and a blow-up mattress so we could sleep in our empty house. I have felt so tired from everything this past year (the miscarriage, the morning sickness, the gestational diabetes, the birth of Laila, and now the move) that I feel like I haven't had a lot of time to process all the emotions of everything. I feel like I've been in survival mode and haven't really allowed myself to feel a lot.

Last night the boys were nuts, super excited about being out of the car and in our new house with so many fun places for them to explore. For some reason they were intrigued with the water meter and had to flush every toilet and turn on every faucet in the entire house multiple times so they could run to the basement and watch the water meter spin. Then they started playing some game that involved a lot of door slamming. And then they thought it would be a great idea to wake up their baby sister that I had just gotten to sleep (have I mentioned they are obsessed with her?). I spent the next two hours trying to get her back to sleep so I could get some things unpacked. I finally lost it and hid in one of the dark, empty rooms upstairs lamenting my situation.

I really hate moving. I hate leaving my friends and my house and my neighborhood.

Anyway, today we went for a walk around the neighborhood to scope things out. We discovered a few interesting things:

1. There are a lot of motorcycles here.
2. There are a lot of dogs here--like a dog for every person in my previous neighborhood. Just kidding. But really, why are there so many dogs here?
3. There are a lot of people/cars/houses/businesses here. It makes me a little claustrophobic. It reminds me of Salt Lake. I have nothing against Salt Lake, I just don't want to live there. It's too big a city for me. I'm not exactly a country girl but I'm really not a city girl. It's going to take a little getting used to.
4. There is a lot of sun here. On our walk today we felt like our retinas were burning. I'm not complaining about the sun (I've missed it) but I'm gonna need to buy some sunglasses first thing tomorrow morning.
5. There is NOT a lot of air. I'll have to get used to that again too.

That's it for now. Our stuff is getting delivered tomorrow. We will not have Internet connection until Thursday so this will have to do until then.

Some of the things I've failed to write about...and of course, Laila

2011-05-13T18:08:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine at church asked Will on Sunday what he could tell her about the baby. He said, "We just can't stop staring at her!" It's true. These boys can't wait to find her when they wake up. This morning I fed her and then laid her on my bed while I went to make breakfast. I asked Mike to go check and see if the boys were getting ready for the day. Mike found all three boys laying in the bed with her singing to her. Eli seems to be fascinated by her toes and always has to be touching them.
Things are going well so far. I'm getting about five hours of sleep a night, which is partly due to my fantastic husband. He often takes shifts and will stay up with her while I sleep until she has to eat again. I usually get to sleep around midnight and then she wakes up about every three hours, and is up for about an hour each time she wakes up. We have a history of pretty rotten sleepers in our family so I'm really hoping she will not follow the same pattern of her brothers. Right now we are trying to get her to take a pacifier and I think that will help her.

She really is the cutest little thing ever. It's fun to put little bows in her hair and dress her all up.

Diamond is very interested in Laila. I wondered how he would act when we brought her home. He seems to be protective of her. When she starts to cry he often gets up and goes to her. He is always sniffing her and licking her (which I think is gross). The other day Mike was holding her and Diamond couldn't see her so he started jumping up to see her. He's not a jumper--he only jumps when the boys make him jump for a treat--so it was very interesting to see him jump up to reach her.

I haven't written yet about our visit with Grandma and Grandpa Richards. They came to visit us on April 28th. It was a really nice visit. I had been hoping to have Laila right before they came so that they could meet her. Steve had to leave Monday morning but Carol got to stay until the following Thursday. Aside from the fact that Steve had to leave the morning I had Laila, things worked out really well. We got to spend the entire weekend together and Steve and Carol did some serious work for us. They cleaned our house, helped fix things, took us to dinner, went to the gardens and the farm with us, and went to church with us. We weren't sure who to leave our kids with when I went to have Laila so it worked out perfectly to have Carol here. I never once worried about my kids the entire time I was at the hospital. Carol is amazing and I just feel so lucky to have her as my mom. I walked into the cleanest house ever! I think I could have licked food off of the floor. She cleaned things I didn't even know were dirty. It was so nice to come home to a clean house. I felt bad that she came to visit us and ended up working her tail end off so the day after I got home from the hospital I told her she wasn't allowed to work anymore and that I just wanted her to have fun with us. I'm not sure she liked that idea--she just wanted to make everything easier on me, which I appreciate--but I really wanted to spend her last day with us just spending time together. We packed up the kids and went to Youngs Jersey Dairy. I figured it was a school day and shouldn't been too crowded so it seemed like an ok place to take Laila too even though she was only four days old. We had a really nice time and Grandma paid for our ice cream so it was even better!

Here's Grandpa teaching the boys how to play Angry Birds on his phone. He probably wished he hadn't introduced the boys to the game because they kept bugging him to play it every five seconds.

And now for some random photos. I just thought they were cute pictures so I have to include them. Both boys had such shaggy hair and my good friend Jenny offered to cut their hair for me so it would be one less thing for me to worry about before the baby came. I was amazed at how quickly she cut their hair. It takes me like an hour so it was so nice to have her do it. These photos are before they got their hair cut, thus the shaggy look.

Eli can finally ride his tricycle like a pro. It took him a long time to have any interest in learning how to ride it but now he does and he loves it. It's so fun for me to see them learn new things. This is such a typical Eli face. He's teasing in this picture but it's a face that is very familiar to all of us in this family. He pulls it every day, usually with some silly threat. The other day he was mad at Mike for something and said, "If you don't give me money, I'm not going to be a boy anymore." Ok kiddo. Nice threat. He's such a silly boy.

Laila's (pronounced Lie-la) birth story

2011-05-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

This was me right before we left for the hospital on May 2, 2011. I was 39 weeks.

Last Thursday, April the 28th, I had my last appointment scheduled. I had been having quite a few contractions but nothing was really making any progress. When I went in for my non-stress test the contractions were probably about every ten minutes. I was not scheduled for another non-stress test so the nurse asked Dr. Williams when he wanted me back in on Monday. The plan had been to induce me Monday if I hadn't already had the baby but there were already too many inductions scheduled so the nurse had told me they wouldn't be able to induce me. Dr. Williams told her not to schedule me for another non-stress test because he was going to induce me anyway.

After my non-stress test I had my regular appointment with Dr. Williams. He was on call that night and jokingly told me that he was going to get me to go into labor that night. I hoped he was right but thus far all the tried and true ways to go into labor were not working. She just seemed very content inside me. During the appointment, he stripped my membranes. This was a totally new thing for me because I'd never gone past 38 weeks before. It was awful. He had prepared me that if it didn't hurt it wouldn't work and since I wanted a natural induction, he was going to make it rather uncomfortable. I went home and it seemed like things were working. I started cramping and having harder contractions that were more regular and I started bleeding. But Thursday came and went as did Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Dr. Williams kept calling to see if I was in labor but I really didn't have anything more to report. He told Mike that he would call early Monday morning after he had an idea of what the day was going to be like.

On Monday around 9 we still hadn't heard from him so Mike called to see if the induction was going to happen or not. At 10 Dr. Williams called and told me to come in at 11 to have my non-stress test and then we would go from there. So we went to the hospital and had the non-stress test. I was having contractions every five minutes, but again, it wasn't really moving things along. After the test Dr. Williams came to check me and I was already dilated to a five so he decided he could convince them to induce me even though there were too many inductions scheduled already. Because I tested positive for Group B Strep, was dilated to a 5, and was already having contractions five minutes apart, they agreed that sending me home might not be a good idea and started cleaning a room for me.

In the meantime Mike and I went to the cafeteria to get some lunch and then headed up to labor and delivery to wait until they were ready for us. I had told Mike that I was not going to try a natural labor once they hooked me up to pitocin and had resigned myself to just getting an epidural. The plan was to get me the first dose of antibiotics for the GBS and then two hours later start the pitocin if things still weren't doing anything more. After the first dose of antibiotics they let me get up and walk around and do whatever I wanted. They told me I could have a shower or use a birthing ball but the contractions were really nothing to complain about. The strip showed that I was having good contractions but I don't know if my body had just adjusted to them since I'd been having them that frequently for a few days or what, but they really were not that bad. I walked around with Mike and did some lunges and squats to try and get her to come down lower (she was very high still). I was able to get the contractions to come more frequently (about every three minutes) but they didn't feel more painful to me and they would slow down again when I would sit or lay down. It was very frustrating.

Finally, the doctor came in and told me they would give me the lowest dose of pitocin since I was still a five and wasn't doing much. I had experienced pitocin and expected to feel the same intensity I had felt in the past when I'd been hooked up to pitocin. However, the pitocin didn't seem to do much either. The contractions came a little closer together (about every four minutes) but the pain felt the same to me. I'm not saying they didn't hurt, just that they didn't hurt enough for me to even have to do anything to manage them. I would just stop talking or laughing and focus through the pain until it was gone.

I can't remember how long I was on the pitocin, but so far this process seemed like a long annoying wait where nothing was happening. We were put in a room around 2 in the afternoon, had the antibiotic and waiting two hours, and then had the pitocin. I don't know the timeline between those things but sometime after seven I told Mike that he should go get some dinner because I didn't really need his help in managing the pain and that at some point I would and I would hate to have him gone getting food at that point. While he was gone the doctor came in and said they were going to break my water in a few minutes and then he left. The nurse asked me if I was ok with them breaking my water with Mike gone and I said, "Sure, I don't think he'll care if he misses it." Instead of breaking my water right away though, I waited awhile (there was an emergency in the room next door and three other women in labor that night so it was a busy night for the nurses and the doctor). Mike came back and ate his meal before the doctor came back to break my water. This actually turned out to be a huge blessing--the fact that the doctor didn't break my water right away like he said he would.

Doctor Williams broke my water and then sat down in a chair to talk to Mike for a few minutes. They were laughing and talking and I was just listening when the first contraction came. I was amazed. I was totally unprepared, to be honest. The previous contractions were really just not that painful to me but this first contraction after breaking my water was terrible. After a few contractions Mike and the doctor looked at me and the doctor said, "You're awfully quiet over there." I think I made some comment about how surprised I was at how painful they were all the sudden. I started getting really hot and told Mike I needed him to get me some ice for my face and that I couldn't stay in bed any longer. That's when Doctor Williams said he was going to go and would be back in a few hours.

Mike helped me out of bed and to the bathroom and I was in so much pain and all I could say was, "I'm so hot. I'm just so hot." It's funny thinking about it now because this happens to me every time I go through transition--I get super, super hot and nauseated. But probably just ten minutes before I was only dilated to a five so I didn't believe I was already going through transition.

I tried sitting on the birthing ball but it was just so painful and sitting there felt awful but I was in so much pain that I couldn't move to actually get off the ball. Then some random nurse comes in and starts talking to me and telling me that she had to adjust the bands and that I should get up and try some other position and I just wanted to yell at her. I wanted to say, "Dude, back off. Stop touching me and leave me alone." I didn't say anything except something like I needed to throw up and I was really hot. So she left to get me something to throw up in and when she left the room I knelt down by the side of the bed and whispered to Mike that I couldn't handle this pain for a few more hours. I just assumed I was in so much pain because of the pitocin. The nurse came back in and gave me something to throw up in and finally left us alone, at which point I decided the only thing that would relieve me was to lay with my face next to the cold ground. The next contraction I had I felt this urge to push and I was really confused and said, "Uh, Mike, I feel a lot of pressure. I think I might need to push." Just then my original nurse came back in and was really worried to see me laying on the ground. Mike told her I said I needed to push and then everything got all busy and they helped me back into bed and she sent for the tech and checked me. I said to her, "Please tell me I'm not making this up," to which she said, "No, you're not. She's right there ready to come." She called for Doctor Williams and he came running in and they just told me to push when I felt I needed to (Doctor Williams told Mike he was planning on going back to his office to do some paper work for a few hours and was really surprised to be called back already).

It was awful. The only thing I liked about pushing was that my body knew when to do it. I didn't have to be coached or have my legs held up because they were weighted down by numbness. I also knew that this meant it was the end but it was really painful. I had heard people talk about a "ring of fire" and they weren't joking. It was intense.

I just remember calling for Mike (who was standing next to me the whole time telling me I was doing great). I kept saying, "Please just let her come out!" They kept telling me that she was already out and that I just had to push one more time and it took all my strength to push again. It really only took a few pushes and she was out. I am generally very quiet when I'm in labor. I just like to deal with my pain in my own quiet world. I like Mike to be by me but I don't usually make a lot of noise or talk a lot once the pain starts. So I was self conscious about being as vocal as I was but both Mike and the doctor told me I wasn't loud at all and Doctor Williams described it something along the lines of a quiet little voice or something. Mike said I was just straining. I felt like I wanted to scream and I thought I was doing that but they both say I wasn't so it must have been my imagination.

Mike got to cut the umbilical cord and my first thought when I saw the baby was, "How did that dark little thing come from me?" They let me hold the baby immediately and she was just so precious. Dr. Williams told me I didn't tear at all and didn't lose very much blood. He also said I was just a tiny bit swollen. The nurses helped me get up and go to the bathroom and take a shower within the first hour after delivery and besides a little burning down in my lower area, I felt good. I also felt like all the energy had been sucked out of me and I couldn't keep my eyes open.

Looking back at the way things happened, I realize that it was such a blessing it didn't happen the way it did with the boys. I'm so used to my water breaking and then heading to the hospital and having a few hours before I have the baby. I knew after Eli's fast birth that this one would be fast too but I had no idea how quickly things would happen after my water broke. From the time he broke my water to the time she was born it was only 56 minutes. I was so annoyed the previous few weeks and days leading up to her delivery. I just kept thinking that everything seemed as if she should be here already (I'd lost my mucus plug two weeks prior, I'd been having regular contractions, I was bleeding, cramping, had my membranes stripped, etc). All that needed to happen was for my water to break. Had that happened while I was at home, I probably would not have made it in time to the hospital. I definitely would not have had time to get the antibiotic for the GBS either so in retrospect, all the waiting was a good thing and I'm so happy it happened the way it did. It was a lot of waiting followed by an extremely intense hour of pain and now I have a beautiful little baby girl and the recovery this time around has been amazing. I feel a little more sore today after a week of walking and moving but on the whole, I feel like I didn't just have a baby a week ago. It's really been a blessing.

Pictures of Laila

2011-05-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

Isaac meeting his baby sister for the first time.

We don't have very many pictures of myself or Mike with her yet but here is one of the few with Mike.

Dr. Williams and Laila
Carol gave Laila her first sponge bath.

Will with Laila

Carol and Laila
She gave us a half smile

Eli is IN LOVE with his baby sister. This picture says it all.

Laila (or Piper...) Richards

2011-05-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Adrianne gave birth to a healthy baby girl tonight around 9:00. Both she and the baby are doing well. The baby was 7 lbs 2.2 oz and 19.8 inches. Here are some pictures. Notice the really long toes...

Some things to brighten my day

2011-04-27T17:42:00.000-07:00

Remember how I wrote that long post complaining about all the stuff going on and how I just wanted time to focus more on the boys and the arrival of the baby? Well, most of last week and now this week I've been having that chance! It's been wonderful. We stopped taking the boys to Kung Fu and Mike has stopped tutoring for the most part. His work schedule is back to being very light as well. So, aside from the normal errands and all my appointments, and the boy's school, our week is so much more free and I love it. I'm so happy getting to spend more time with the boys and cleaning my house (though, it's not really clean but at least it is cleaner).

I realized today that I feel so much happier when I can do something fun with the boys. Today, I started feeling down and so I surprised the boys with a trip to the science museum. We had so much fun and I was glad to get out of the house and have something to occupy my mind instead of thinking about how miserable I was feeling. I'm so grateful that this week before the baby comes I've had the chance to slow life down a little and be with the boys.

Besides the museum, I was able to spend some one on one time with Eli this morning while his brothers were in school and we played a matching game. I love seeing his happiness and excitement. I love how he calls me his "teacher." He says, "Do you get to be my teacher today when my brothers go to school?" I love it.

As a side note on Eli, he was scheduled to have his sleep study last week but we were nervous about the baby coming and Mike being at the Children's Hospital with Eli so we cancelled it and have been giving him Nasonex each night. It seems to have improved his snoring immensely! His tonsils are still very large so we will need to follow up on it when we move to Colorado but now that he isn't snoring so badly, he really seems to be sleeping better. That kid though, cannot fall asleep with anything on his bed--no blankets or pillows. We cover him before we go to bed and he always throws them off until around 4 or 5 AM when he comes into our room and says, "Can you cover me?" Cute boy.

Today on the way to the museum we took a short detour to the gardens (across the street from the museum) so we could take a walk to the bridge and so Mike could see all the crazy flooding there. Part of the bridge was under water. All the rain here has been crazy. We are supposed to have one nice day this coming week so I'm hoping to be able to take my in-laws there. I really love going there and walking around the paths and seeing all the flowers. It's so peaceful and beautiful. Plus, the boys love playing at the discovery gardens so hopefully we can get a nice weather day and take a trip there for a few hours.

Speaking of flowers, the boys and Mike went to the store the other day and came back with some pretty flowers for me. I usually get flowers to pot on Mother's Day but since we are moving, I'll have to wait to get flowers so I was surprised when they each brought in a little potted flower. So, even though the weather hasn't exactly been conducive to being outside and enjoying the flowers, at least I have my three pretty flower pots in my kitchen to cheer me up each day.

The cutest Hobo Clown Ever

2011-04-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

Will with his best buddy Carson

The kindergarten classes at Will's school have been practicing for their program for months and last night they performed for us. It was such a cute performance. They were supposed to dress like Hobos and clowns. Will wanted to wear gloves on his feet but it was raining all day so he chose to wear Mike's shoes that are falling apart. He could barely walk in the silly things but he was adorable.

No rest for the weary

2011-04-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it's about that time again--you know, that time where I haven't complained for awhile, so I devote this post to complaining. But, with that complaining comes a good dose of appreciation for the daily reminders that there is divine help when needed.

People keep saying something to me that annoys me. They say something like, "Now is the time when you can just sit back and prepare for that sweet baby and just enjoy the end."

It shouldn't be annoying really, but it is because I'd love that. I'd love to be home and relax, play with the boys, or I don't know...even clean my house (it desperately needs a good cleaning and every night I think, "if tonight's the night the baby comes, I'm going to be awfully embarrassed to have someone come to my house to stay with the boys).

I keep thinking of the quote from Elder Uchtdorf from his talk Of Things That Matter Most, "Therefore, it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions." I love this talk, and agree with him. On top of all the regular things to be dealt with like Kung Fu, Visiting Teaching, school, preschool, etc., there are other things to deal with. I keep trying to eliminate and simplify and it seems that the instant I do that something unexpected replaces the eliminated activity that HAS to be dealt with. It's been frustrating.

For instance, Mike is on casual status, which is supposed to be code for doing nothing. For a few weeks that was the case, and it was a blessed help to me. But now, when I need his help the most, he is babysitting a bunch of generals. He is working 12 hour days for part of this week. On Sunday he left at 7:15 for church meetings. We saw him at church and then didn't see him again until 9:00 P.M. I was having quite a few contractions the day before (about every five minutes) and when he said goodbye and shut the door, I burst into tears, wondering how I was going to get through the day by myself.

I said a good long prayer and the day was wonderful. It was long but friends unexpectedly came to my rescue in the form of kidnapping my kids for an hour so I could nap, and another friend and her family dropping by with cookies to let us know they were thinking of us. The boys and I played with puzzles and their typical crazy behavior was surprisingly calm that day. I definitely know that Heavenly Father played a part in making the day run smoothly.

Last week Mike was at work preparing for the arrival of the generals so while he is normally able to be home for my non-stress appointments, he wasn't available this week. So, I swallowed my pride and asked a friend to watch the boys while I went to my appointment. The night before the appointment Isaac came into the kitchen and said he needed lotion because he was itchy. I looked at him and sure enough he had a nice rash on his throat and belly. And I knew...

The only other time he's had a rash was when he had strep throat. He and his brothers showed no real signs of strep except for a little bit of a red throat. But I knew when I saw the rash that I had to take them to the doctor. I drug all three boys into the doctors and got them swabbed, then had to drag them all with me to my non-stress test (which I tried to cancel because of the strep and they wouldn't let me out of it). Taking three little boys to a non-stress test is anything but non-stressful.

Sure enough, the next day I got a call that they all had strep. So I had to drag them all back to base to pick up the medication. Remember that I live approximately 30 minutes from base and I am already driving to base twice a week for non-stress tests, my normal OB appointment, and for the fluid check (luckily they can do some of this on the same day). Even this experience shows divine help however, because I am very lucky to have children that show no real signs of the dreaded strep--no fevers, no real crankiness, not even any coughing or runny noses this time. Had it not been for the rash, I would never had known I had sick kids. I'm really thankful they are able to handle strep so well because dealing with little sick kids is such a bummer.

And finally, my license was expiring in two weeks so I planned to take the test and get a new one. I had to take documents to prove I am a real person (social security card, current license, birth certificate, and marriage license). All of our important documents go together in a folder in our cabinet. I went to find my social security card and it was gone. Mike and I were up until midnight searching every possible place it could be. We couldn't find it so the next morning we had to drive to downtown Dayton to get a new one. Then the next day I had to go take the test and get the license.

While annoying and an added headache, it was a pretty quick and easy process. I passed the test and got my license within an hour.

When people ask me if I'm ready to have this baby, my answer is a definite "Yes" but it's less because of the typical physical ailments you would expect at this point in pregnancy, and more because I just need a break. I need to end the appointments, I need Mike to be home for two weeks, and I need the diabetes to disappear (which in theory should happen).

I crave calm and trips to the park instead of trips to the doctor. I want to spend my days reading books to he boys or making cute bows for the baby. But things aren't that way and I know they could be much worse in so many ways. I also know that I am growing in necessary ways.

And now, for a picture of Eli's cake. One of the things I decided to simplify was buying his cake instead of making it. I ordered the cake to his exact desires. He wanted a red cake with green frosting. Then I molded a little pig and Mike helped me mold the horse. All I had to do was place the pig and horse on the cake and put on a fence. He was thrilled and I was glad I decided not to stress about the cake.

So, with all the complaining, I recognize that Heavenly Father really is helping in each stressful instance. Each day I climb into bed and sigh a sigh of relief and wonder how I got through the day and then I realize, we just did. Things worked out. The kids are happy. I am surviving. Mike is close by. And this baby will be here in a little over two weeks. Things are good.

Happy Birthday Eli!!

2011-04-15T06:46:00.001-07:00

Today my baby is three! This boy brings so much joy to my life. He is full of laughter and passion. You can't help but love him. I tried to post a video with Eli being silly but after three attempts and three hours later, I decided it wasn't worth it. Just take my word for it...this little guy has silly written all over him. I love my Eli.

36 weeks and a car

2011-04-10T17:39:00.000-07:00

Now that is one big belly! I've got three weeks left at the most so I'm getting anxious to get done with this pregnancy.

Will has been spending hours in the play room tinkering with his tools and trying to make something for his brothers. I told him just to wait until Mike got home and he would help him. So, Thursday, after Mike got home from work he and Will made an electric car made out of random pieces from some of Will's other projects he's disassembled. They took a battery, a motor, some zip ties, and the bottom of a fire truck and came up with this. The car was loud and fast but in the video it's running out of batteries so it's going kind of slow. What lucky boys they are to have such a smart dad!

I think too, that it's good to have Mike monitor Will's projects from now on because the other day the boys came running out of the playroom to report that they almost started a fire. Great. It was actually just a spark but it melted the prong a tiny bit and makes me very nervous that Will's curiosity is going to get him, or one of his brothers electrocuted.

Ah, to have a conscience

2011-04-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

Lately, the boys have all been showing that they have a conscience. Let me demonstrate by three stories, each about one of the boys.

We'll start with Eli.

Eli has a habit of saying naughty words. The other two boys do occasionally but they know they get in trouble if they say them so they limit their potty words. Eli, though, hasn't quite learned how to follow his brothers examples (and of course the other two laugh incessantly when Eli says them...just as long as it's not them, right?).

This morning the boys came in a told me that Eli was saying naughty words. I called Eli in and asked him if he remembered what happened to little boys that want to have potty mouths. He said no. I reminded him that when we use potty words our mouth gets dirty like the potty and just like we have to clean the potty when it's dirty, we have to clean our mouths when we say naughty words and he would get his mouth washed out with soap.

About an hour later, I was in the shower and Will came tattling that Eli was saying a naughty word again (it wasn't that naughty). I told him to tell Mike or to wait until I got out of the shower. A few minutes later Mike comes into the bathroom and asks, "Did you tell Eli to wash his mouth out with soap?" Apparently, when Will went to tell Mike, Eli decided to run away and ran out the door only to change his mind when he saw all the rain. So instead he ran by Mike and said, "I'll do it myself." Mike, who was running when the previous conversation occurred between me and Eli, had no idea what was happening and followed Eli into the bathroom to see Eli washing his own mouth out with soap. Awesome!

Next up is Isaac.

One night when we were putting the boys to bed Isaac was laying on the ground next to Mike and said, "You know Dad, you don't know everything about me." Mike replied, "Oh, yeah? What don't I know?" His response makes Mike and me laugh every time we think about it. "Well, you know how we aren't supposed to play on the Elliptical? Every time you are not in the room, I get on it. See, you didn't know that did you?" He obviously hasn't learned how to keep his transgressions to himself.

And finally, Will.

For this story you will need to know two things first. First, in our house the boys are not allowed in the pantry or cupboards without asking. Generally, if they ask, they can have food. But I don't like them eating whenever they want or whatever they want. Mike and I are in charge of the candy in our house and decide when the boys can have some--even at Halloween. We are mean.

Second, this week the boys were being inappropriate in regards to their bodies, which I'm sure is common in a house full of boys. So that night for scriptures we read in Corinthians about our bodies not being ours and how our bodies are a temple. (It seems like we have this discussion a lot in our house--again, all boys?). I asked them if they thought Heavenly Father would be happy with the way they were using their bodies and they said, "No." So, we talked about how in their prayers that night they should ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness.

Ok, now we can move on to the story about Will.

At the baby shower this past week two very thoughtful friends included in the gifts presents for the boys--gum and skittles. These are two of my boy's favorite treats. They chose to eat the gum first so we put the skittles in the pantry for a later time.

The next day I went to pick up Will from the bus stop. Like normal, I went to open his backpack to see what things he did during the day and to see if there were any papers I needed to know about. Will took the backpack from me and said, "Um, I think we should wait until we get home to open my backpack." I was really confused and asked him why. He started stammering and said, "Well, I just think we should wait." The kid was sweating bullets. I asked him what was wrong, "Did you have to change a red clip today and get a note sent home? What's the matter? Why don't you want me to open your backpack?" Finally he just shrugged, handed over the backpack and said, "I wanted to share with Carson but we only ate two each and then we knew it was wrong and felt bad and so we forgave God." I opened the backpack and found his bag of skittles. I was trying really hard not to laugh. I could just imagine poor Will eating his first skittle and starting to feel bad. Then he eats the second and finally tells his friend, "This is wrong. We need to forgive God" I asked if they prayed in class or something and he said that he and Carson just said a quiet prayer on the bus.

I couldn't punish him for that! I told him that he was right, and explained that he need to ask Heavenly Father to forgive him, not the other way around, and asked if he would try and deceive me again. He said no, and I took the skittles inside, gave a few to him and his brothers, and put the rest away.

If only we all had such a desire to do what is right! I hope they continue to be honest and try to make amends. Is it any wonder that I love these little boys?

We own a house!

2011-04-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

We are the owners of a new home! We closed on Monday. I'm really excited to have a place waiting for me when we get there--none of this searching for a home once we get there like we did when we moved to Ohio.

The house we bought is the one I posted in Feb. At the time I was really discouraged. The entire trip was discouraging and stressful. We saw a billion houses (ok, just 17) and went back and forth between three houses.

I think I already wrote about it but the first house we loved. It had some really fun features and we felt really comfortable in the house when we walked into it. The backyard was the most fantastic thing ever. It was huge and had a great big tree for Mike to build a tree house. It had a hot tub and a fantastic covered porch with rocking chairs and a really great place for a garden. Plus, there was no house behind us--just open field so it was so peaceful. Even just writing about it makes me sad not to be living there. But, this house didn't have room to grow. The basement wasn't huge and the laundry room was located in the basement.

The second house was a new build and it was beautiful and we were super excited to get to choose the features we wanted in our house. But this house was next to a medicinal marijuana shop and an industrial shop. The resale value was a problem.

The third house was awesome. It was the perfect layout, big backyard, three car garage, plenty of storage, etc. Pretty much we could just move in and not have to change anything but finish the basement if we wanted to. But this house was 40 minutes from Mike's work.

So we chose another house. The reason I was so discouraged about buying this house is because there were these other three houses that I just loved. And, this fourth house is the exact house we had seen 40 minutes from Mike's work only not updated. So, when I compared the houses to each other, it was pretty depressing. But, this house is the practical choice for our family. We realized that all the other houses had things we couldn't change and the things we don't like about this house can be changed. It has plenty of space, a fine backyard, good schools, much closer to Mike's work, and is an overall good house. There is nothing about this house that is bad. But, it's also pretty boring and I wasn't excited to dump money into this house to make it more interesting.

ow, I feel good about our choice and know it is the right place for us to live. Mike is excited to get to work changing things. He's got lots of books from the library on doors and windows, flooring, plumbing, electrical, and gardening. I'm excited to paint the house and have more space for the boys to play. After seeing the house 40 minutes away, I know this house has so much potential and hopefully we can save enough money to realize the potential.

To give you an idea of what our house could look like I've included two rooms to compare to the same house 40 minutes away:

A party!

2011-03-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

Well, we've had a lot going on in our lives lately so I've had a lot to post. On Tuesday night I got to go to a party--a party for our cooking baby. She's due soon. Did I mention that? Anyway, back in December, a friend offered to throw me a shower. And then a bunch of people offered to help her. I was touched. I think it's safe to say that it was THE BEST shower ever. There was a lot of talking, eating, opening presents, pedicures, etc. Mainly, there was talking and laughing. I felt like it was a big love fest or something. Pedicures Making the quilt squares

Lets take a minute to reflect back. When we had been here for about nine months I was lamenting to Mike one night that I felt kind of lonely. I had plenty of acquaintances but didn't really feel that I had friends, people that really cared about me. And I was sad and not sure how to make friends. I was trying really hard to be involved and serve people and just didn't see my attempts to make friends come to fruition.

Now we can come back to current time. When I made the list for the shower I wasn't sure how many people to invite and I ended up inviting about 30 people. I was a little embarrassed by the amount of people on the list but honestly, I felt there were certain people I couldn't exclude because I just wanted to be surrounded by special people and each person on that list is special to me. Plus, I assumed maybe half, if even that, would come.

I was surprised by the amount of people that came to celebrate this sweet baby. I was really touched by the personal gifts and the thought that went into each gift. Two gifts really touched me. One is a quilt with squares that each lady in attendance signed and personalized and another was a little book entitled, "Why we love your Mother." Inside are messages from the ladies. There are some really talented people in this ward and they used their talents freely. One friend spent 10 hours in one day to make a gift. We got the most beautiful blankets--each one quilted or sewn by the giver. They are so nice that I'm not sure I can let our little baby sleep with them for fear she will spit up on them. One friend painted a beautiful picture that I can't wait to get framed and hang in the nursery. This little girl is already really, really spoiled. Two of the beautiful quilts made by some of my favorite people I feel really overwhelmed and told Mike that I feel a little undeserving of all the attention and love. He joked, "I feel undeserving for you."

It's kind of a bittersweet feeling. On the one hand, each person that came means something important to me. My life has been touched in some way by each person in attendance. But it's also sad to know that I have to move and leave these people behind. I hope that I can eventually make similar friendships in my new ward and neighborhood but I know it will take time and effort on my part. And I will miss associating with my friends here.

I know it's a little mushy to say but I think it will be a great party in heaven when I get to see all my friends again (because I plan on being there and I plan on seeing all these ladies there too). Facebook, blogs, email, they are wonderful for continuing friendship and I plan on keeping in touch but it's not the same to be able to sit down and talk or go hang out. I am so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life from all my past moves and now from Ohio, and hopefully in Colorado. I know it is possible to continue friendships even when you have moved because some of my best friends are women from high school or college or Oklahoma that I don't get to see anymore but our friendship continues and I know that can happen with my friends here in Ohio as well.

Just call him Master

2011-03-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

Mike graduated last week. He now has his masters in Nuclear Engineering. Mike graduated with a 3.92, which is pretty good in my book. He is excited to get to Colorado and teach Mechanical Engineering and then hopes to pursue his PhD, and perhaps even get a degree as a patent lawyer. I think he will continue to be in school his entire life. He loves it and he's such a good student. Education is so important to me and I'm so happy to have married someone who feels the same way about gaining knowledge. I really love this man and I'm so happy to be attached to him.

A blanket and a dirty room

2011-03-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

A while back I wrote about a lady that works with Mike who was super interested in meeting me. She said she had never met a stay-at-home mom and was interested that I actually wanted to be one. She told Mike she had a billion questions for me. Well, I met her back in October when we took the boys trick-or-treating on base. She was really nice and had prepared a little bag for each boy. Since then, I've talked to her a few more times and really like her. She never did ask me any questions about being a stay-at-home mom.

Anyway, she is having her first baby (due a day after me) and she made this cute little blanket for her sister who is also having a baby but then found out that the baby was actually not a girl, but a boy. So, she passed the blanket on to me. I felt it would only be nice to make her something as well. This blanket has taken me forever, since I don't have as much time on my hands. I finally finished it, just in time for graduation tomorrow. She, along with most of Mike's graduating class, are moving next week so I had to get this done!

Now I'm on to another project, one not quite as fun. My guilty conscience won't let me go any longer without attacking it. I have to clean my room...

Every day I harp on the boys about getting their room clean. I make them clean it before they can watch any shows. Then I walk into my room and feel like such a hypocrite. I'm not sure how I can expect them to learn how to keep a clean room if I'm not being a very good example of it.

I actually hate a dirty room. But, my room has become the catch all for everything random in the house--papers I don't know what to do with, books that don't fit in the bookshelf (we need a new bookshelf), random toys the boys bring in, etc. It's just out of control right now and it's driving me crazy.

So, I'm off to get my room clean. Wish me luck.

A really long post

2011-03-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

So, I've decided to write about this because I feel like I've been writing about stuff going on in our home but have left out a huge, huge part of our lives right now. I have written some long posts lately and this one will be even longer so I'm just warning you up front.

I have some thoughts about this pregnancy that I hope I can convey with honesty and not have it come across as complaining. I don't feel like I need to complain, but things are also overwhelming and so it might be hard for me to write things accurately and still sound like I'm not complaining. We'll see how it goes.

I mentioned that this pregnancy has been harder on me than the others. Interestingly enough, the normal aches and pains and sleepless nights don't bother me the way they did with the boys. I'm sure it has to do in large part because of my exercise and eating habits. There are nights (like last night) when I wake up with aching hips that last into the first few hours of the day. Usually though, I just wake up, Mike so kindly massages my aching hip, and we go back to sleep until the other hip starts hurting and he massages that one. But really, it's not that big a deal.

The real challenge this time has been that I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. To say that I wasn't beyond disappointed would be lying. I spent more than a few tears on this. I had tried so hard to eat properly and I have been exercising at least five times a week for 45 minutes. I had hoped that all my hard work would protect me from this (since I'm normally borderline).

So, I failed. That was about a month ago.

The part of the test I failed was not the drink part. It was the fasting part (you fast and they take your blood before you drink the drink, then every hour for the next three hours). Since then, it's become apparent that my problem is rarely when I eat something. The number that is always high is my fasting level before I eat anything for the day.

So...

First of all, I have to prick myself four times a day, record my numbers, and report them to the nurse on base twice a week. I had to visit with a dietitian and take in all my recorded levels up to that point and a food journal. I left feeling really hopeful because she seemed impressed with my levels and my food journal. She gave me advice on how to lower my morning levels even further (the target is 60-90 and I was typically around 93-98). I followed her counsel and saw no benefit. My OB suggested something sightly different so I tried that as well and still no positive outcome. Then I started waking up every two hours to prick myself and see what the heck my levels were doing overnight and at what times my levels were lowest and when they were highest. There really was no clear answer for why my levels were high in the morning.

The result has been to put me on a low dose of medication for the remainder of the pregnancy, which helps but only if I wake up no later than 6 AM to prick myself and then eat a small snack. If I sleep past that time my levels have already gotten too high.

I am now just shy of 33 weeks and this has been going on for a month. At this point, I have to continue all the pricking and reporting I was previously doing and now on top of that I have to get my amniotic fluid checked once a week. I have to have an ultrasound every four weeks (I had one three weeks ago so now I'm coming up on my second one) to measure her growth, and I have to go in for a non-stress test twice a week. Yup. You heard me right. Twice a week. Starting on the 31st I will also have to go in to visit with my OB once a week. So pretty much my life is spent at the doctors office. And, I should point out that I live about 30 minutes from base. That's a lot of time taken from my week people.

On top of all this, the doctor is concerned about the number of contractions I am having at this point in the pregnancy. For me, it is very normal to feel a lot of contractions. He keeps asking if it's more than the four or five a day. It isn't uncommon for me to feel more than that in a few hours.

So, I've been told that I need to continue to exercise for the gestational diabetes but the exercise increases the amount I feel. So then I'm also told that when I start feeling a lot I am supposed to stop what I'm doing and sit for a long time.

I know he knows this is contradictory advice so I'm left to my own devices to listen to my body and make the best choice about what to do.

(today during the non-stress test I had a contraction that the baby did not like so the nurse said I would have to stay an extra one to two hours to be monitored! Thankfully, Dr. Williams came and did an ultrasound and said it was ok--that she most likely was pinching off the umbilical cord--so he sent me home.)

Taking it slow is not easy for me considering I have three busy boys. Plus, it's not really in my personality. But, I'm trying to eliminate all things that are unnecessary from my life so that I don't have to worry about extra things getting in the way.

This has placed a lot of stress on me emotionally and physically. I'm so tired. It's pretty sad because while I FEEL fine as far as pregnancy goes, the added chaos and burden of so many appointments and worry, have made me more than ready to be done with this.

I absolutely do not want her to come until she is completely cooked but the minute that happens I want her out of me. The doctor will not let me go past 39 weeks because of the increased risk of complications but I've never made it that far anyway so I don't think it will be too much of a problem.

I have gone through a lot of different emotions the last few months. Mostly disappointment. I had been praying for a long time before I got pregnant that I could feel more joy this time around. I just wanted to experience more of the happiness of the gift of having a baby rather than the anxiety but things have been way, way more stressful this time. I have gone through moments where I have felt resentment. It's been hard to hear people tell me that this isn't that big a deal or hearing women talk about how pregnancy is the time to eat whatever you want. I've never had this mindset and it's really hard to see others that eat what they want and don't exercise and do not have these problems. I know I shouldn't feel this and I don't want to feel this, but I have.

I know that every person has trials that are hand picked for them and while this might not be hard for someone else it has been hard for me. It is not fair for me to compare myself with anyone else, nor is it fair for anyone to make my trial seem less than it is.

I have felt a great amount of love from my Heavenly Father amidst the disappointment.

One huge blessing is that Mike's thesis is done. He graduates next week and because of this, his schedule right now is very light and he has been able to be home for all of my appointments thus far. Had we moved in December when we were supposed to, he would already be working and unable to help. I also know that Dr. Williams is supposed to be my doctor and if we had moved in December I would not have his help.

There is still so much I need help with, the new baby, the move, etc. but I know that Heavenly Father has my best interests in mind and that He is helping us.